remember when being a vampire was a terrifying experience
instead of a life goal?
good times
LevI've been trying to be a vampire my whole life
have I told you
that vampires used to be my greatest fear as a child
I'd like to thank stephanie meyer for making me not take them seriously ever again
hahaha wat
I wanted to watch those mimes
Levwho comes up with this shit?
I bet that
the guy that wrote that mime scene
was like
"Damn, look at that symbolism""
that's some deep-ass shit I've got here
Lev"I'm a fucking savant"
HEY LADY
um
your hair is coming out of your hat
it's overflowing from your hat
like a fountain
Levwho am I supposed to sympathize with in this movie?
cause right now
it's with the 90s
for ending the 80s
that be awesome
but we're set back a bit by the fact that I'm utterly talentless
Levwell
practice and shit
don't tell me what to do
I do what I want
Levyou do what I tell you
are you telling me to eat 4 muffins
cause I just did
LevJesus is lord
But not very good at voip
Or network protocols
blasphemy!
I'm gonna tell on you when I go to heaven
LevHah
Like they would let you in
pshh
they'd make me regional manager of heaven
as soon as I get there
LevRegional manager of the sanitation department maybe
still, manager of heaven
is not too bad
I'd like to put that on a card
Lev"I know my shit"
but it's heavenly shit
so it probably feels and smells like roses
LevWould you say
It is holy shit?
way to reach for the lowest hanging fruit, lev
that joke was easy
and so are you
slut
Lev:c
I am just sexually liberated?
just wait until someone liberates an STD on your loins
LevNo renn
I am the one that liberates the stds
they call you the Liberator
ew, lev
and you act all high and mighty about my managererial position
LevHey now. At least I get laid. Nobody wants to sleep with a traffic cop for feces.
you don't KNOW
gooby pls was just hilarious
we still do it
I would do it with anyone
because it's just funny
Levthat is not a defense
how come
I can't enjoy a joke with my boyfriend just because he's my boyfriend and it might look lame?
that's not a world I want to live in
Levno
you can't enjoy a joke with your boyfriend
because I see it as a personal affront when you're not wallowing in your own misery
you know, if you wanna instantly feel better about where your life is going
just go watch a reality show
literally any reality show
that's not about anything
like the wives of the hills of beverly
or whatever it's called
I don't know
he had a good taste in ovies
we talked about wristcutters and david lynch
Levso, ovies could be movies, olives, and ovaries
I really hope it's ovaries
because I want to live in a world where there's ovary connosseurs
or however the fuck that word is spelled
I wouldn't make a good conversation partner
my knowledge of ovaries is alarmingly limited
Levmy computer shat itself
so I had to install windows 8 to fix it
and I hate it
I hate it so much, renn
it is pretty shitty
but it's pretty
it's like a hot girlfriend that's borderline retarded
you just have to decide what's more important to you
Levwin 8 isn't even pretty
so it's like the kid with down's
it's retarded and the way it looks is unnerving and make you uncomfortable
even if you don't want to admit it to yourself
or like that one time I did your makeup
a hopelessly ugly foundation with far too much cosmetic applied to hide it, and it all ends up looking like somebody tried to shit mascara on a plate
that's so vulgar of you
why can't we ever have a well thought out conversation about various operating systems without mentioning shitting?
LevStop pretending we are high society
she needs to get silver bullets
LevI don't know mang
blanks can still kill someone at close range
I don't know if vampires can survive face melting
which is what blanks do
and maybe fake bullets will harm him
after all, he is a fake vampire
Levhahahaha
hhahaahh
Lev"I've become"..."a vampire"
Levhow fucking long are these intro credits?
and why are they clips of older, better horror films?
hey, they want to acknowledge everyone who's going to not put this movie on their resume
and to remind us of the better things we can be watching right now
LevI want that little tube
they stick in your junk
no side effects
and no pregnancy
what side effects are there with vasectomy
Levdecreased sex drive
there's pills for that
come onnnn
let someone pick away at your penissss
Lev"But you can still get your partner pregnant until your sperm count is zero. You must use another method of birth control until you have a follow-up sperm count test 2 months after the vasectomy (or after 10 to 20 ejaculations over a shorter period of time). "
like it would take any adult male in the world 2 months to get to 20 ejaculations
more like 3 days
Lev7 ejaculations per day?
I'd need to line up a lot of women
so that no one of them gets sore too quickly
not women
pictures of women
on websites and magazines
Levmagazines?
what am I, a bum in the 50s?
some people like to read, lev
Levunless the magazine is in braille with the letters made up of the pimples on a model's tits
no, renn
no they don't
mildly content
that's what I want to be, all the time
shootin' for the stars
Levyou know what they say
shoot for the stars
and you'll probably get arrested for the unlawful use of a firearm
well
maybe not arrested
but fined
and then you won't be able to afford rent for the month
and end up living on the streets
Levbut then you'll be with the stars always!
on account of no roof
and then you meet this cute hobo girl
who ran away from home two years ago
and you fall in love
and then she's kidnapped by the mob because she witnessed a murder
and you have to save her
I think I'm writing my next movie
LevI gotta admit
it's pretty shit
Cause your quirky manic pixie dream girl
will literally be a homeless person with mental instabilities
I take that back
I love this movie
you don't know who stars in it
listen:
hugh laurie is the protagonist
emma stone is the girl
jeremy ions is the mob boss
and jonah hill is the comic relief
and he turns out to be a genius
and helps hugh laurie with his financial troubles
Levwhen did you get a second monitor?
I'm using stefan's
he got one and I just got my adapter
so I'm using it when he's not home or we agree upon it
Levyou make it sound like shared custody of a baby
we love it like a baby
it makes everything bigger and more convenient
I can type this and watch 30 rock at the same time
Levdo twice the amount of procrastinating in half the time!
I don't know what you're talking about
it still takes me all day to do all that nothing that's piled up
Levyou're very inefficient at doing nothing
or prolific?
Levalso yes
it's nice to know that nic cage didn't jjust go awful during the last years of his career
his entire life is an awkward phase
Levyou got to give it to him
he has consistency
busy guy
engineering all the engirees
Levare you proud of yourself?
like, ~really?
I think I did pretty okay
I've been off my game recently
wit-wise
but I'm slowly gaining speed
Levlets hold off on optimistic projections
Let's not
let's grossly overestimate my ability to craft a successful joke