849 entries

Renn

let’s watch Tron: Ares

Levlet’s watch Tron: Ares
I don’t like any of the Trons
Levare you Tronsphobic

what do you want to do tonight

what do you want to do tonight
Levwhat we do every night - we can watch a show while we work, or you yap at me and I try not to kill myself

did you know that gambling is the deadliest vice

did you know that gambling is the deadliest vice
Kabirwhat, over erotic asphyxiation? I think not
that’s not a vice, that’s just being kinky and cool
Kabirerotic asphyxiation is kinky and cool
autoerotic asphyxiation is embarrassing
sometimes if you want a job done well
you just gotta tie yourself to the doorknob

how are you feeling with yo teeths

how are you feeling with yo teeths
Qioh for a set of not-so-great teeth they’re chewing up my savings pretty well

loud.

but he's very quiet and she's very loud
Carlthat's most couples i think... Not necessarily loud. But if someone is loud. It's probably the girl
wow ok
CarlWhat ...? Am i not correct
maybe we are loud because y'all don't LISTEN

mycology.

dinner was great, he liked my friends a lot
and was very impressed by their cool stories
Levwhat cool stories did they have
Jess and I talked about mycology a lot
Levtlou really opened you up to a world eh?
pshh
I knew about mycology long before that
and I talked to you about it
apparently it fell on deaf ears
Levoh yeah?
name three mushrooms
I'm not dignifying that with a response
Levbut we still talked about mycology after tlou
yeah but it didn't open me up
Levwhat did
nothing
everything is still closed
so as not to let the pores in
Levdo you mean spores
um
shut up

book.

whats my favourite book
LevI think it's one of the russian ones
master and the margarita?
nope
I've never read it
I've read very little russian literature
Levcause your brain small
maybe reading is just dumb
Levok I give up
hitchhikiers guide
Levoh noooooo
I thought it was gonna be harry potter
you really think I'm barely cognisant don't you
Levnext
harry potter
like I read a book every 11 years or something
Levok ok
I'll have you know I thought the harry potter books were derivative
and cheugy
Levderivative of what
of other books
Levcause they had pages?

folf.

CarlI'm being nitpicky but is this page just supposed to be picture above the folf
above the what?
CarlLol fold
I still don't understand
CarlWhen i load page i see only picture
No title
Feel weird i do with no title
oh yeah you're right, I should add one
good point
CarlThis conversation is also undercutting your communications expert point
sorry carl but this is all on you
like I pride myself on being able to see through people's typos
but I am working within the constraints of a mortal mind

taiki.

CarlDon't encourage
My addictions
but it's ice cream seasons
CarlShhh
I don't want to hear it
next time you feel like eating ice cream
just watch jury duty instead
CarlFair enough
Have you seen beef
yes
it very good
CarlWhat about our flag means death
I tried
I loved the premise but I guess taiki wamaiki is not my guy

basic bureaucracy.

Levoh I can only imagine what an absolute sploosh it would be for you
if you had some problem with the bank
and the partner calls in to fix it
and gets increasingly more frustrated and mad at the person on the other end of the line
it's just unfortunate that the person you're calling is never the person whose fault it is
and rather it's an amorphous badly oiled system
where you can't pinpoint the one person to let out your indignant frustration on
oh my god if that ever happened he would receive a full weekend of the wildest shit he can think to ask of
and some wild shit that he ain't ever heard of
LevI guess you'll have to get more banking problems
it can work for any other issue
gym memberships
retail returns
post office waiting times
(I had to wait at the post office the other day and I did not like it)
Levinteract with basic bureaucracy any % speedrun (very hard you are renn)

gender campaign.

Levand the work stuff?
why so intense
cause of women's day
and I'm in charge of the gender campaign
so we had a lot of stuff at once
and the new director of WFP is a woman so there was lots of pressure
but it all turned out okay
Levyay
but I was working until midnight every day
Levkillin it
its the hustle
it may have been womens day but you became a sigma male
those females better be thankful

sima.

Levthe tiktok you sent still hasnt loaded
I don't know man
Levbut do you know gregory
he was free from a trash can
just like sima
Levsima is a fancy cat
she came from a recycling bin

ice creaming.

I'm walking and texting
Levim meeting and texting
im done meeting and texting
i now want to be eating and texting
I'm ice creaming
Levi dont like any of those flavours
You crazy
The milk chocolate slaps hard
Levgive me some coconut up in this shit
or lychee
Just like nonna used to make

hot takes.

Levgive me hot takes on The Menu
I'm reading reddit's
is that what you're doing?
while I'm sending you sweet messages
you're just reading reddit
this is a bad habit you have
form your own opinion first
Leveveryone is saying this is a refreshing spin on the classic film ratatouille
also sweet messages
you sent one message
apropos of nothing
i'm about to apropos out of this conversation
Levthat's not how that word works
we're supposed to have the discussion first
and read later
instead I am being ignored
in favour of your reddit friends who compared it to ratatouille
revolutionary
Levyou sound like those comedians with a netflix special
talking about getting cancelled
while I coddle your every stupid little thought

birthday.

ehhh we'll see
it'll be ok if you're too busy
but also I will throw a tantrum
especially if you don't give me enough attention on my birthday
Levyou'll get you'll get
and like
20% of a birthday drawing
you better make it up to me with other things
Levbro I'm working so hard on it
i know you are
that's ok, I understand if it's not ready in time
mine wasn't either
but I do need other things to make up for it
attention
words of affirmation
and a blood oath
of everlasting friendship
Levoccay
standard birthday month shit

bday again.

Levhow was the bday
It was fun enough
I went there, made everyone laugh at least five times, and then I went home
Levquota fulfilled

precendence.

to sum up
cartly is forgettable, shani is in rome, and if you ever forget to send me a text to wake up to I will lose my entire shit
Levlol
cmoooon
you come on
LevI am not agreeing to this precedence
I googled what does precendence is and I still don't get it
I think you mean a set of rules
Levprobably because I meant precedent
and that's fine, you can not agree
but I will be sad
Lev:c
this is emotional blackmail
I'm sorry but women don't go back in lifestyle
I am used to a certain standard now
Levwell I don't know what to tell you
this is how you get low quality mass produced gm messages
I guess it just means that once I'm not around to provide quips
I'm just completely out of your mind
I cease to exist as a part of your life
and you have nothing to tell me
and nothing to share
Levwhen you woke up this morning
did you have to choose
between fuckin up my day or punching a stranger
or did it come naturally
when it comes to fuckin up your day
I don't even have an alternative

bartender.

Levare you at the resto?
Not yet, I'm still having drinks
Got chatty with the bartender
Levriled
It's a girl bartender
Levturned on
men are pigs

worst timeline.

harry potter's spinoff play is about going back in time and causing an alternative timeline
the thing is that if you believe there are an infinite number of timelines
any story that is about going back in time and discovering that you're only making things worse by changing stuff
isn't really about how they are living in the best timeline
it's about their failure to find the good one
Levright? I agree
just keep trying
fuck over all your clones
do better
some people don't believe in multiverse theory
but to them I say 'live a little'
'what are you, my mom?'
cmon
Lev'go home, nerd'

meta.

trying to find a joke for pun times
about my gynaecologist having a crush on me
Levi still have the whatsapp history
it wasnt on there
i searched
it's not here either
maybe i misspelled it
Levi searched for gyn
maybe that's the part I got wrong
Levcause you dym

you have to create frankenstein that you are going to fuck

Levyou have to create frankenstein that you are going to fuck
you can only choose one body part per person
give me yours while I think
LevI know I want geneva's shoulders
shoulders?
Levyeah, she had some pretty sporty shoulders
boi you haven't even picked a stomach or a head
Levwho said I'm choosing a head at all
men are pigs

specimen.

big fan of that one photo of a veterinarian showing a cat how fat he is
Levwhy did the cat let himself go
why do any of us
Levwe dont
i am a taut, prime specimen
a specimen of what
Levi was hoping the doctor would tell me

hippo oath.

I can't talk to you about what my therapist told me
so this question inappropriate af
it's breaking the hippo oath
Levno the hippo oath
is the one where you promise to always eat the food between the teeth of your patient
man
sign me up for that doctor

game.

bitch what
if I had a dollar for every time you've stolen a lovingly crafted question
I'd hire someone to make this game
and it would look good too
Levyou did
for free
because it has never happened
oh please
you know I'm right
Levlady, you are the graphic designer for this game
you played yoself
none of my art has been implemented yet
Lev"my art isn't bad it just doesn't exist"

edging.

today I was watching a tiktok
where a girl was like ladiesss
if you want your orgasm to last longer and feel more intense
you should try this thing called 'edging'
and then she proceeded to explain what it is
and I was like girllllll
I've been doing this since I was 13
Levpeople on tiktok are like 12
that seems like a reasonable time to learn
good for them
us millenial women
we walked
so they could run
and stop before the finish line
and hang around there for a bit

drivebys.

Levi wish i went to a college water balloon fight
you still can
Levwhy are you always pro me being creepy
I just want you to be true to yourself
Levok i gotta go they're expecting me to fly this plane
sky bird sky bird skybird
Levi tell you what
i shouldn't have eaten a whole packet of gummy peaches
never say this

chronic depression.

Bulgaria has the lowest rate in europe of people reporting chronic depression
Levaka inverse of cultural stigma against self identifying as having depression
except slovenia
where they are all sad
🇷🇴Romania🤝Bulgaria🇧🇬 Happiest countries in Europe 😎😎😎👊🏻👊🏻👊🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻 No sadness here 😎😎😎 Send help pls 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻
LevTHESE TEARS ARE BECAUSE OF THE WIND FROM ALL THE GOOD TIME WE ARE HAVING
PLEASE DO NO INSPECT FURTHER
IM NOT CRYING IM JUST CUTTING CUCUMBERS
LevWHY DO THE CUCUMBERS BLEED I MUST NOT ASK

Can I watch Emily in Paris without you

Can I watch Emily in Paris without you
Levno
not allowed
I didn't think you liked it so much
I barely like it enough
It's so saccharine
Levi like to watch it with you
and talk about outfits and hot takes
Ok ok
I just don't feel like waiting a month to see it
Levyou literally just told me you barely like it
hahaha
Levpick a lane
I
I do like it
It's addictive garbage
Levyou gotta wait for your second marshmallow
They didn't put those babies on a plane with nothing to do

fine.

when i lived in america and people would say Hi how are you
I'd usually make an effort to answer how I actually was
or to at least say something besides good how are you
I'd say something like 'well i'm not loving this weather hahaha"
or "I'm doing great, I just found 10 dollars in my jacket!"
now every time i talk to catherine she's like hi how are you
and I'm like girl it's 10am and I am having ice cream in bed
like my life is obviously not super on track
but for the purposes of this conversation yes I'm fine.

cat.

fuck outta here
you just backpedaling
so I don't think you wanna fuck our new cat
Levi find this truly baffling
tbh I may be projecting
Levbecause you want to fuck the cat?
it's a cute cat
but it's family now
so I can't
Levdunno man
incest porn is up there in popularity nowadays
help me step-cat, I'm stuck in the dryer

mango.

we need to find the person who invented seedless watermelons
probably some japanese guy
and get him to work on the stoneless mango
Levthey are getting smaller i think
lil dumb brain mangos
good
i want them as small as cherry pits within a year
Levwhat if you choke on it
then I shall die as I lived
Levdick deep in mango
thank you
I did not have a punchline
Levyeah i felt it

bulgarian

Levbulgarian
That’s the toughest kind
It just never goes away
You would know
Levwhy?
Cause you still haven’t managed to get rid of me
Try as you might
I will never leave lev
LevI never tried to get rid of you
I cherish you as a companion in life
and think I would be worse off without you
Gay?

why would you say no to dick cage

why would you say no to dick cage
what if your dick broke the law
I realise that might sound rapey
what if your dick broke tax law

sick.

you said you were sick?
Levno im ok now
was it dysentery
Levit was eating too much fried food before bed
your gentle stomach can only handle sweet berries picked by the dainty fingers of california farmgirls
Levseems like it
and cream whipped from the milk of your friends the cows
Levnot just friends the way im gettin that milk

I dunno

LevI dunno
I just knew it wasn't a regular friendship
even in platonic terms, I knew I hadn't had a friend like you before
i mean, likewise
but what does that mean for you
Levok like you know if you're going to a party
there's some people that you dread seeing
some people you're like...ok with
some people you'll enjoy talking to
some people that if they're there, it'll make you go
some people who you'll go for even if you didn't want to before
keep walking a few scales down that list
and it was you

treshold.

Levit was like a 7 or 8
but youre sick
you can watch it
no my treshold
threshhold
tresh=hold
how do you spell that word
Levtreeshold
treshold
there we go
or no?
i forgot what i wanted to say
Levthreshold
my man
I did that
and it underlined it
what a stupid word
Levyoure stupid
you leave threshold out of thjs
what the fuck is a thres
Levwhat the fuck is a renn

vacation.

CarlBut I gotta finish before vacation renn
oh yeah you guys are going on a vacation together soon, right?
CarlWe'll see
noooo you have to gooo
who works that hard in august anyways
all the packages are on holiday
CarlCause we freeze our code before holidays
So you get things done by September for December
we do the same with all the hungry people

you being a woman would be interesting

you being a woman would be interesting
cause you're usually not a woman
Levor im so boring
that even being a woman doesnt help
this pity party won't stop til the sunrise
Levit was the only party i was cool enough to get into
I'm not RSVPing
Levim the only one that did :c

tantrums.

I love her but she is a lot to handle
I had to literally treat her like a child at some points
and distract her when she was having tantrums
Levwhat were her tantrums about
a drop of fountain water got in her mouth
the sun was too hot
they didn't have lemon pasta
the energy in one of the villa bedrooms was bad

spoce.

can you just get me some spice mixes
Levill get spoce mixes
i think you'll like
SPOSE
Levspooce
I made fun of your spelling
but I messed it up too
Levwait
did you mean to write SPICE
SPOCE
Levoh shit
i fucked up twice
and hadn't even realized it
lol
Levwait no
this whole conversation is a trainwreck

sleep.

Levim going to sleep
wow
so you've used me for entertainment
and now you're going to abandon me
Levugh
fine
no no
don't stay out of pity
Levok good
cause im very sleepy
woooowww
Levhahahaha

i.e.

Lev"i.e. how your mom and I created you"
that's you I think
i don't think i use i.e.
Levye
you're an e.g. gal
I just say thusemoneaously

you're on the bus now tho?

Levyou're on the bus now tho?
yeah
but now I don't think I can sleep cause my adrenaline is high
Levask the conductor if you can drive instead
I paid to be driven
why don't I just fly myself to italy too
Levwould probably reduce your flight anxiety
or at the very least
justify it

horse.

Levthat is not a horse
i'm tryin
but there's no more horse
Levdo something to attract more horse
entice them in
and when they think they've gained a friend
you slap them
in their long horse face
it should be you really
you're a yankee doodle boi
yeehaw
Levhorses are from Asia
:/

cappuccino.

imma get myself a café macchiato
Levremember no cappuccino after italian dinner
it's 11 am
Levitalian dinner can strike at any time

heathens.

Levi just realized tomorrow is easter and they will be closed so i dont get to find out until monday
nooo
but they promsied
Levhow uncharacteristic of them
to promise a deadline
that they ghost me on
maybe they'll still anser you tomorrow
the heathens
did you see that
I used the owrd heathens
Levmultisyllabic and everything
good job
ghsnd'

ghost kink.

ghost kink unlocked
LevLeast problematic kink
nobody gets hurt
eh
actually i guess that applies to necrophilia as well
so maybe not
next thing I know I'll be recording a video of you googling why necrophilia is morally wrong
Levits probably not
just gross
and i guess family members of the deceased are probably unhappy with it
I mean what kind of asshole would do it with them present
Levbut then you have to dig up the body and everything
hassle
you call it hassle
they call it foreplay

defensive.

I didn't pay for my flight
but if you wanna say it's the best 10 euros you ever spent, that's on you
Levmine was like 70
I did not force you to go
Levwhy you being defensive
i was there
i know
I don't know
not defensive
combative maybe
Levaggressive
ok chill

lil mook.

and lil mook
you are allowed to send me one video of her
Levok I will make it count
yeah have her do some cool shit
Levlets be honest, it'll probs be bang bang related
been there done that
I want her to save you from a well
Levthe closest thing to that would be me shouting for help and her going
🤷‍♂️ weeeelllll

hair.

do you like how I did my hair this time, I parted it in the middle
Levyeah I know we agreed that center partings are not your friend but this one's working
it's just that we when it's too straight I look like a house
Levwell when you do that maybe
but when it's just kinda swooping it's nice
that doesn't make you look like a house
that makes you look like a home

I just rode in the bus end to end

I just rode in the bus end to end
And not a single person got on
This was only for me
I thanked the bus driver when I got off
Levyou got an uber sad

I want to come

CarlI want to come
Europe won't let me in
what if you tell the border guys that I invited you and that I vouch for you
but then you have to promise me not to commit crimes
so that I'm not embarrassed
CarlI wouldn't commit crimes. That wouldn't be fun.
Man i was going for sarcastic but just ended up earnest
in american they say 'don't do the crime if you can't do the time'
but in russian we just say 'don't do the crime'
because nothing rhymes with преступление

killing.

there's three other people in the car
so maybe he's not a crazy person
Levalmost def not
but just in case
ask him how often he takes car trips where theres fewer people on the way back
hahaha
he's gonna think that I want to kill him
Levfree car then tho
no thanks
i prefer no killing to occur
only killin it on the dancefloor
Levso you do prefer killing
so do you apparently
cause you're killing my vibe

i'm watching this show about a super rich lady trying to run

i'm watching this show about a super rich lady trying to run her charity
and the humanitarian worker in me is really cringing at all the opulence because it's a huge reputational risk
every single episode they do something that would tank the whole ngo
like going to events on private planes and having team retreats in exotic locations
also their offices are waaay too nice
Levdoes the un never lux it up for you
if I forget to bring my water bottle from home I can't drink water all day because there are no glasses

lunch date.

who's the guy
Levhe's just the only one that lives nearby
good enough
new bestie
i'll still be awake by the time this lunch is over
so I'll hear all about it
Levi dont think itll be very exciting
it will be if I give you words to include in your conversation with him
Levgive some
i promise nothing
but i might try
"white whale"
as in the euphemism
perfunctory
conan
either the talkshow host or the barbarian
oh and you should ask him what he thinks of the rehearsal if he has seen it

fleas.

Levman I found a flea in my bed
that's been biting the shit out of me
what do you figure are the chances it's the only one
hmm I'd say there's more
unless you brought it from outside somehow
Levit's been around for at least like 4 days
how do you know it's the same flea
Levthere have been at least 4 fleadays
allowing for the potential of two fleas that didn't know each other
to both find their way into my bed
they can know each other
but venture outside in shifts
LevI got a bachelor pad to bring girls home not fleas
hopefully they're at least some fine ass lady flea hotties
maybe they're girl fleas
Leveyyyyy
eyyyyy
Levone mind

but did you get it

but did you get it
that her name is a liv
in a survival movie
Levyes renn
I got it
oh man sam died
Levyou get it
cause of his name
sam
mas backwards
because he is mas muerte

tarot.

Levi just did some baller tarot readings
oooh
what did you get
Levthat im going to africa or space
is there anyone you know in space that you could visit
Levthe american flag

bidet.

Levman
none of the stores around me are open late
and i did not have the foresight to buy toilet paper
oh no
if only you had a bidet
Levi should get one you right
even with a bidet i need tp tho
until then you can just use a water gun and an ass towel

otter.

God: the humans are gonna need you
Otter: why?
God: when they're sad you'll remind them life isn't that bad
Otter: I will do my best to make the world a better place
Levthe fuck has an otter done for me lately

airbnb review.

the airbnb hosts left us a nice review
high five for being excellent guests
Levbetter than what the costa rica guy left us
which was a tepid acknowledgement that we had in fact lived at his house
oof
after all the intimate conversations you had over the phone
Levseriously
Kabirlmao what was is
"yeah they were here I guess"
next to a full 5 star review
"I cannot deny that they resided on the presmises"
LevI think it was literally "Lev and his friends stayed at the place and had a great time"
like he managed to pat himself on the back in his review of us

smash or pass.

I feel like spending time with a cute pupperino is a win
Levyeah your smash or pass preferences have made that clear
You didn't understand the game
Levi wish I could understand the game less
cmoooon
you laughed
and don't tell me you wouldn't fuck the shit out of the lady dog in lady and the tramp
if you were a dog
Levi swear to you
i would not
not out of strong will or anything
i just dont want to fuck a dog
maybe we just haven't found the right one for you
ok
how about the mom deer from bambi
Levyeah the mom deer can get it

cruising rat.

scientists recently discovered that rats love driving tiny cars, even when they don't get treats
when put in mazes adapted to tiny cars, the rats enjoyed just cruising around
LevI saw this!
very cute
there is a video
did you see the post or did you see a rat cruising around
Levi see a rat cruising around every day i look in the mirror

bio.

LevI messaged a lot of places
but most don't reply
boooo to them
don't they know what they're missing
Levthey dont
cause they never replied
tbf most of my sends are low effort
hi is this room still available
you want to write me up a lil bio to send?
Hello, I'm Lev. I want to sleep in your house for 3-6 months please. I like British panel shows and kites. I dislike drowning and when people overpronounce foreign words. Will you let me be your roommate? I won't clean but I will expand your friend circle by at least two people and I will order takeout for you on weekends.
Levthat's
surprisingly great
Wow don't be so surprised
Levi am flabbergasted
i am bambwowzled

wfp.

nghhhh I'm so lazyyy
why do I have to go to the office
Levyou dont
literally this could have been a remote role
but they gave me that sweet sweet extra cash
Levto live in rome
not go to the office
I have to go occasionally
I made lunch plans
Levyou work at the world food programme
all your plans are lunch plans

love island.

Levmy cousin and i are watching love island
its
its a thing
Tell me more
Levits like low grade love is blind i guess
but without the blind
The blind is the whole point
Without it it's just some people in a place
Levyeah its that
but theyre in swimsuits all the time

maybe as a present you can take her away from america

maybe as a present you can take her away from america
give her a seat on a lifeboat away from the titanic
Levyeah, and put her right on the lusitania
look at all these ship references we can make now
because we're shipwreck experts
Lev2
we can make 2
there's also the one you sent me yesterday
ouderkerk mandal
Levwow was that even close
you knew which one I meant didn't you
Levbarely
there is also the indianapolis one
Levwhere everyone got eated by sharks
and theres the one that sunk during the raft wars
rip
rest in pool

maybe I'm the garbage person

Levmaybe I'm the garbage person
ok I'm not interested in this pity party you're throwing
we already have a thing at 7

punchable.

Levthis guy was in it
who has the most punchable face i have ever seen
and was also garbage at acting
I have no opinion on this guy
he was in chernobyl i think
Levi think he died in it
which made it ok
no he was killing animals with the armenian guy
which makes it less ok than it already was
Levhes there to shoot dogs and get punched in the face
and hes all out of dogs

tattoo.

have you ever daydreamed what you would do if I died
Levyup
and then i daydream about what tattoo i would get to commemorate you
what's the tattoo
Levused to be dragonflies
now its probably a pommegrenate
I hope you're not planning on spelling it in the tattoo
Levpompgritan
a pomegranate is a sweet idea tho
but i love that in your fantasy about me dying
it's still about how to make yourself cooler
Levone last service to me
as you pass into tartarus
you can get a pomegranate tattoo in my honour while I'm still alive
Levnah
what if you end up being like daenerys
won't kill you to have a little faith in me
Levi dont see you getting a tattoo of a shrimp in a chair

high horse.

you better start working on your jetlag now
I will not tolerate the bullshit from last time
Levthis is me working on it
don't try to make it look like it's intentional
Levalso excuuuuuuse me
i dont see you flying intercontinentally to see me
fair enough
I'll let you gallop away on your high horse
Levthose aint hoofbeats what youre hearing is me clapping the cheeks of lady victory

trash.

Leva lack of me cooking tho
not a problem
it was never a requirement
a lack of you taking out the trash
definitely a problem
Levi took it out
while you were gone
it was horrible
thats why i didnt pick you up at the airport
can't you both take out the trash and pick me up at the airport
i feel like that isn't too much to ask
Levyou want me to both take out and pick up the trash?
girl thats too much trash

wendy.

Levthe unwashed mobs will reclaim whats theirs
soon enough
I think
that I am immune
I do work for a humanitarian organisation
Levyou mean the structures that do just enough to patch up our systemic flaws such that the entrenched methods of power can say the problems are being solved while nothing changes?
thats not my actual view but im sure itll be on a banner at some point while they march on wfp
I don't know man I just work here
Levsir this is the wendy's food program
yes can I have a wendy's
Levone wendy coming right up
would you like that with a side of wendy
only if it's wendy-free
Levno wendies were used in the making of this wendy

indian karen.

Levthey just reamed out the restaurant staff
went like over the top indian karen
why
Levhair in the food
and slow service
i think the hair was mine tho
hahaha
did you tell them this
Levnot yet
they just pulled a you dont know who we are card
oh shiiiit
who are they
Levi dont know

2%.

Lev2%
so if i stop responding
yes yes I know
it's because no one loves me
Levits cause i got the terrible shits
oh
oh
Levye that one

uber driver.

Levcmon man you gotta do therapy
or at least talk to a diff kind of professional
like i tell my uber driver all my problems cause when im done and get out they zoom away with all my baggage
you forgot your suitcase in the car
now you look like an idiot at the airport
Levor
do i look sleek and savvy cause im traveling light
I don't know
sounds like Samvel will be playing with your oculus tonight
Levdid you pick an armenian name on purpose?
yes
anything else seemed racist
Levyou sure dodged that label

you gotta commit renn

Kabiryou gotta commit renn
we die in central america
only by jaguar
Kabiror by motorbike
more likely of the two
thats so 2011
Kabirboi that was 2019
y'all had to go home
And leave me to win epic kicking competitions on TV in bangkok
we let you spread your wings and fly free
and fly you did
but.. with kicks

shampoo.

women like to choose the shampoo which insults them the most
"for broken, greasy, destroyed, fucked up hair which makes you look ugly as shit"
it's for me
Asad👍
thanks
AsadHahaha that was by accident
Kabirhuh weird that's true tho
I guess "because if it can even fix fucked up fugly hair, it can also fix my hair" is the thought
I wonder what the response would be if you stick an ONLY at the end
For people with greasy, fucked up hair that makes you ugly as shit. You’ve also gained weight and you will forever be lONLeY.
AsadYour hair isn't that greasy

pie dreams.

I wonder how long it takes to send you guys a care package
a crumble can last for about a week or so
KabirThat would be a very cute package
That said there's a place nearby called Pie Dreams
They do strawberry rhubarb but also savory pies like Cheeseburger
if their rhubarb strawberry pie is better than my crumble I will not be okay

mixed.

all the girls that are half russian are literally so pretty
nice to know that if I have a daughter she'll be hot
maybe it just skips a generation
AsadThe other half needs to add something as well 😛
I'm thinking black
blyack
Levall kids are mixed race kids if you're racist enough

sleep.

Levlady why you awake
Can't a lady wake up in a cold sweat from a cheeky nightmare

pan.

Levwhat part of erasmus does that leave
I don't know
the leaving your dirty pans in the sink over christmas break?
Levhaving your roommate wash his hair in your pan?
lol I forgot about that
I wonder whose pan he's washing his hair in now
Levthe man graduated with am ivy league degree
the minimum we can hope for is that he can afford his own pan now
here's to you, pan-washer
Levi dont remember his name
probs nguyen
isn't that a last name
Levi didnt talk to him enough to remember a first name
too bad he wasn't a girl
so we could call him Panmela
I guess we'll have to call him Peter Pan
Levoh yeah
thats better than Pantrick
hahahaha
Pandrew
LevPanthony

oliver.

I can't wait for Oliver to be out of our lives
Everyone who ever loved him was wrong
LevI wonder if this man knows
just how many hate him
I hope there's someone in his life to remind him daily
I hope he feels bad about it
And calls me for support
So that I don't pick up

frown.

we're not discussing that now because I am willing it into existence
Levwill as hard as you can
I am now pretty pessimistic
:/
Levturn that frown upside down
: /
: \

housewarming.

Levwhen's your housewarming party
I haven't decided yet
vladi is coming on the 23rd
i might wait until then so she can join
Levbut then your house will be cold for like 2 weeks
it likely won't have internet for the first week either
and is it really a house without it
Levits a housen't

smort dog.

CarlOnly cute dogs can stop me
Why she look away
she wants to protect her privacy
smart dog
CarlShe is smort. She don't fall for no trucks
what about semi-trucks
does she only kinda fall for those

she said some really nice things

she said some really nice things
that made me feel guilty that I didn't work harder
so that they could be true
Levwhat did she say
that I was a pleasure to work with
that I always so accommodating to their last minute requests
that I made the website what it is
sweet stuff
mostly incorrect tho
Levsimpia is the putin of the collective service
she has no idea whats going on
but everyone tells her its going well
I guess I'm one of her busted tanks
Lev* disabled tank sounds *
awwww
how did you manage to make me feel bad for the russian tank
Levcause its disabled
and like old people
there is an innocence to them
even though you know they've def fucked when they were younger

bezos chant.

let's take down jeff bezos' oppressive regime together
CarlI'm sleepy
nooo comrade, we will sleep when the power is brought back to the proletariat
CarlThe dream is done renn. The capitalists have taken the tennis courts. All we have is the corners and the mixed tapes.
oh no amazon has broken your spirit
was it worth it carl
to sell your soul for those benjamins
what are you spending all that money on anyways
CarlSpirit? What spirit? There was no Carl before this. Bozos for Bezos.
hahahah oh man is that your team's monday morning chant
CarlThe whole thing goes
"Bozos for Bezos
We believe in the man
May corporate souls save us
We do what we can
All hail to spreadsheets
And Meetings and teams
All hail to Bezos
And goodbye to dreams"

sore winner.

Levnadir likes to say I am a sore winner
would you agree?
I wouldn't know
you barely win anything whenever I'm around

jeans.

Levi'll likely go to an american eagle shop
gesture down and be like
this again please
you're reinventing yourself
you can say
this again, but better
Levi want to peek out of my comfort zone
not get yeeted by a trebuchet out of it
it's jeans
not a hawaiian shirt
Levi used to wear a hawaiian shirt
in school
ok
it's jeans
not a gimp suit
Levi used to wear a gimp suit
in gimp school

what's on the agenda today

what's on the agenda today
Leva hike maybe?
oh fun
Levbut its cold
what if my stomach hurts
I'll kill myself
I'd kill myself

ww2.

that one was probably for my brother
who was obsessed with ww2 at the time
Levit did seem vladi inspired
I remember I read him my admission essay for penn
and after he listened to the whole thing
he asked me why I didn't mention ww2
Levhahahaha
classic
it's unfair how much funnier he is than me
Levhim proof reading the essay for you
being like
"right here after you describe how you overcame adversitiy"
"you can mention that the Garand uses 7.62mm rounds
and that allied shipping was estimated at 5.2 million tonnes"

pp.

Levyou'd think that after all the lusty simping your ego would be permanently jammed at "hot shit" mode tho
you'd be surprised how quick it needs to be replenished
my ego is fragile cause my pp smol
Levyour pp infinite
cause your pp 0

jet lag.

noooo jet lag noooo
Levits actually already over
flying west is always easier jet lag wise
you motherfucker
you slept through half of our time together in italy
I watched an entire season of euphoria
and inventing anna
and tinder swindler
all alone
Levi was trying genuinely so hard
hmph
that's my disbelief sound
Levyou would know how hard the jet lag hits
if youd ever come visit me
in america
which you didnt
shouldn't have kept telling me about how much san jose sucks
Levwe went outside like 3 times in catania
san jose could have been on fire and we probably wouldnt have minded
also it was
on fire
several times
listen
I'll make up for it with Geneva visits
Levgirl you dont even got the right city

address proof.

they asked me whether I have some utility bills to prove I lived in Bulgaria
and I was like 'I don't have utility bills but here's a letter confirming my subscription to the Economist that is addressed to me in Bulgaria'
and attached a picture of this crumpled up letter
and they were like 'great, that'll do'
Levhahahaha
at least it worked
you could also have sent pictures of yourself
like
cooking and gardening
next to the varna sign
hhahahaha next to my house number
taking a video of unlocking my door
Levthe whole time youre just saying eh?
eh?

hoot.

Levim introducing a new emoji
it means i am falling ssleep now
so if i dont respind
you know why
🦉🦉🦉🦉
Because you don't care
Levyou got it
I say things
You're like
WHOOO CAREEEESS
Levhoot cares
r/yourjokebutworse
our entire friendship dynamic

spice.

so which spice do you want
you only get to pick one
Levoh cmooooooooon
sorry
come back to the spice shop when you've got stuff to barter
Levi know it's not exactly a spice
but i got a whole bunch of salt here
i can give you
no I got plenty of my own thanks

convex.

Levno help me with my homework
B convex final answer
Levhonestly I have no idea
you were right tho
wooo
convex
I picked it because of the song
Levrenn my brain smol
it's not smol
it's just convex
LevI don't know if you realise this
but you pretty effectively
just called me a smoothbrain
I did realise this
I think
Levthen props
on a pretty good math dunk
is the homework not going convexly
Levyou lost it

therapy.

I guess it's a small price to pay for premium dick
Kabiris it premium though
it belongs to a man who considered "gecko therapy" for his twin incest problem rather than going to a therapist
Levwhats a therapist gonna say
Kabir"bruh"
they don't wanna hear that
they want to talk to the gecko pls
Levtbh
everyone says to see a therapist
but like
those mangs be winging it
toxic men will literally bang their own sister instead of going to therapy
Levi will go to therapy to teach me tools to be able to cope so that i may continue banging my sister
what do you want, a manual?
Kabirno, a prescription
Leva sister
mostly

have you noticed that men don't really get the 'high mainten

have you noticed that men don't really get the 'high maintenance' label
like should you be considered a high maintenance man because you don't clean up after yourself or you don't cook
Levthey get the "just wants a mommy" label
which is the male version of high maintenance
speaking of which
i still have not made ramen
high
maintenance
man
Levi think
if i may defend myself
that my case is different
i do not want someone to clean up after me or cook for me
i just dont want to do it myself
is there a classification for that
I don't see the difference
who will do it if it's not you
Levthe same person that does it when i live alone
I mean, by all means, get a maid
protect everyone's sanity
but some basic cleaning skills are necessary for the day to day
Levi do occasionally
and then expect great amounts of praise
for the bare minimum
I praised you plenty
Levyeah exactly
you were an enabler
oh for gods sake

I feel bad though

I feel bad though
because she is fighting for like half my salary
and here I am complaining I don't get even more money
Levits all the same fight
you not fighting for yours isnt gonna make her get hers
to stick it to the man
Levyeah
for too long have we been oppressed by
*checks notes*
humanitarian organizations trying to feed the poor
time for us downtrodden workers to take back what rightfully belongs to us
an obscene amount of money for posting a tweet from the comfort of my own home
or a tropical beach
Levhuzzah

ballertown, usa.

you are on your music game lately
where are you finding these songs
Kabirballertown, usa
where I was born and where I live
I want to visit
but I'm stuck in lameberg
Kabiroof idk if we give people visas if they're traveling from there
I'll pull some strings
thanks
you're always welcome in lameberg
it may not be as cool
but it sure has more people

oliver.

Levmaybe i got too excited
thinking oliver would abide by his word
it has now passed 24h
but he did only say he would try
he never said how hard
hahaha
oliver, you've raised our hopes and dashed them expertly
Levoliver
my sweet
you could have just said this week
instead of within 24 hours
ambition is well and good
but set achievable goals
Don't he know that you out here quivering in anticipation
Literally every sentence in his email ends with an exclamation mark
How does this guy have a job
Levhahaha
he forgot to alternate them
so that i know he's not insane

you know

you know
sometimes I talk to you
and I'm like
why do I find it so entertaining to have my own opinions on things repeated back to me by another person
but I love it
I love my opinions
Levhahaha
i am your own private echo chamber
and I am yours

interview 2.

text me in your breaks
Levwill do
and good luck again
Levthanks
i will take it
interview 2: reckoning
interview 2: dawn of zucc
interview 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Levyou missed out on just
interview 2: fast 2 curious
damn

improv interview.

yeah but you can't give waymo all the funny
the meta people need to know you're a comic as well
Levthey have to bring it out of me
this will go from an interview to an improv show
real quick
Levnow for scenes from a hat
hello step employer
help, I'm stuck in the metaverse
Levi hope you dont fuck me by reselling my personalized ad statistics

presi.

this is tricky
cause you really can't include any photos or graphs or anything
those pesky NDAs
Levmeh
also i cant be fucked to do it
im mostly gonna be talking quickly
yeah I don't think they care about how it looks
in fact, the worse it looks, the better you are likely to be at coding
everyone knows most coders don't bother making things pretty
Levthats slander
im pretty sure
am I wrong?
you gonna look at me and you're gonna tell me that I'm wrong?
you used a serif font for a digital product, dawg
grow up

lol things.

Quick
List three things that you'd lol at that haven't happened yet
Levlosing my shoes because they're heelies and they rolled down the hill
Hahahaha
Levone of my coworkers is named giacomo and I always yell "yeah c'mon, giacomon" and chuckle every time
Hahahahaha
Ok am I drunk or are all of these hilarious
Levno I'm on fire

breakup meeting.

Levis this low hanging fruit on purpose
I'm not sire
I'm three cocktails in
Levhow many cocktails are you going up to
This is gonna be the last one
I have breakup meetings tomorrow
Levon the same day you fly?
busy day
whens the breakup
At noon
Just before I run to the airport
Quick breakup before my flight

new word.

LevI'm not in the european union
which is different
and also would still not be even in zurich
but at least you'll geographically be in the middle of it
LevI would be in it
but only very technically
in the same way that a big poop is inside you
very tautological
Levnope
you uh
you did not get it this time
good try tho
welp
I tried
every time I use any word with more than 2 syllables
it's a dice roll
Levat least you used the word syllable right

Lol at least I learned one thing from that drake course

CarlLol at least I learned one thing from that drake course
did you take a course on the rapper drake
Drake the type of dude to eat a fish in one bite and then pull the skeleton out of his mouth while holding onto the tail
CarlI don't know what to do with this information. But I would buy a ticket to that concert
you've been brainwashed by your drake course
CarlGood morning. Would you like to hear about our Lord and savior drake the fish king
how is he the fish king if he eats the fish
CarlA reading from the book of Salmon 3:4
"And there will come a sign unto the world. A man, 6" with hair of black will step onto the stage. And you will know it is he who is the lord of the fish and inheritor of the kingdom of lakes and what not. For he will taketh the fish and consume it whole, holding but the tail. When you seeth the whites of the fishes bones you will see your salvation"

when are you meeting naz

Levwhen are you meeting naz
i would be terrified of doing what you're doing
what if you meet them
and then you're bored
What if I make plans to meet them
And on the way I get kidnapped
Then they would think I stood them up
And be really upset with me
And also I'd be kidnapped

keep calm.

Levmy passport wouldnt work at the automatic gates
i think i have a "sus af" mark somewhere on my uk files
not the files
just the face
but it's enough
Levi was even wearing a mask
even tho i was pretty much the only one
uk is post covid now
in their hearts if not their hospitals
did they just decide to will the virus out of existence
Levtheyre pretty good at decolonizing stuff i guess
and then not minding how it goes
they have decolonized covid times

wolf.

Levyou are implying japan is not brimming with alpha males
is it because they are all sigma
which one was the sigma male
Levlike a lone wolf type
did you know how the whole alpha male thing started
Levhow
there was this one study 30 years ago about hierarchies in wolves
but it was completely discredited because it studied wolves in captivity
and actual wolves don't have those social structures
so this whole thing is based on nothing
also we are not wolves
Levyou are not a wolf
I am two wolves
Levi am one of those longwolves
inside of you are two wolves
you are arrested for bestiality

shript.

Kabirthe shrimp wasn't even hidden that time
a true expression of trust
you know it
I know you won't mistreat my shript
and so I wear it on my sleeve
also how did I fuck up the spelling of shrimp so badly
Kabirya spelling got straight shript, homie
s h r i p t
KabirSH🪦RIP🪦T

when my brother was about 11 or 12

when my brother was about 11 or 12
my mom got a fancy new pan
and then told us she had a nightmare that she scratched it
the next day, my brother sent her a video of himself holding a knife
and taking the pan out of the cupboard
we still talk about that video
Levyour brother is savage
why is everyone in my family so funny
Levhmm
yes
everyone
I like to think as myself as the exception that proves the rule

lenin.

Levyour brother should grow a chin beard
he would look like lenin
but he would never go to mcdonalds 😕
Levlenin or your brother
my brother
lenin would like that the mcdonalds is the great equalizer
because both rich and poor enjoy it
Levyou think lenin would go to the spiritual symbol of american capitalism?
ehhhh symbol shmymbol
them fries will make anyone forget their proletarian dreams

I will also have to go by uk time more or less because my bo

I will also have to go by uk time more or less because my bosses are in london and budapest
Levthat leaves kabir to be broken in
cause work hours are like 1pm to 9pm for pst
i been falling asleep by 9pm
hopefully we can all synchronise
Levat the very least our periods
yes lev our periods
I pretty much gave that joke to you
Levyou give me low fruit you get low humor
maybe if you want a home run pitch a strike yeah?
if I want a home run I will go talk to my funnier friends
Levtell me when you've met some

catch these hands.

it is a womens bathroom
do you not see a women in that bathroom
..dont answer that
Levno
I told you not to answer
Levcant tell me what to do
I'm not telling you what to do
I'm telling you what not to do
Levwhich is telling me what to do but with one exclusion
boi there are soo many things I tell you not to do
Levyou tell me to not do so many things which narrows the list of things i can do to one
so youre telling me to do that thing
yeah I am telling you to do one thing
to catch these hands
Levwhat does that even mean
you gonna punch me?
or are you passin your hands to me for safekeeping
I think it works for both punching and slapping
I would never leave my hands alone with you

coat woes.

Levplus the great thing about the collar on this one is that it goes up past the ears
keeping them warm
the collar on that one doesn't reach past the neck
oh my god this is never gonna end
Levlisten
when I buy a piece of clothing
it's to the end
no kidding
to the end of my rope
Lev"oh no lev I like hearing about your coat I want to encourage this side of you"
you bought tickets to this ride
now keep your hands and feet inside the carriage

but now its gray and a bit windy

Levbut now its gray and a bit windy
and im about to nap on a bench by the water
youre really missing out
Yeah how terrible that I won't sleep on a bench like a hobo
Levand then you get salty when I call you elitist
Is it elitist to not want to get burgled
Levyes if you were a true woman of the people you would let yourself get burgled as a form of taxation
I'm not the woman of these people
I'm just a woman

shades.

Levuntil the 12th
when finally
I will occasionally
have a few sweet moments to myself
as soon as that happens
emily in paris
and 30 shades of grey
that's not enough shades
Levhahahahaha
14 shades of grey
noooo
add more shades
insufficient shades
Levint(rand() * 50) shades of gray

ugly.

Levwhy are mullets back in
because ugly is in style right now
mattia's brother told me
he's 18 and hip
Levis this something he said recently
like he got in contact with his brother's ex
to be like
"yo good news for you ugly is back in"

it's funny cause usually it's the engine that makes that sou

Levit's funny cause usually it's the engine that makes that sound
but I was in the caboose
ok
I'm sorry
I'm done
You know
Maybe we shouldn't thoughtlessly share every thought that passes through our brains
That goes for both of us
I know this is a safe space for us, but not every brain fart is worth verbalising
Levyou thought that was thoughtless?
I hope it was
Levbitch I crafted that like da vinci did the statue of david
in that someone else made a much more successful version of that joke and mine died in ignomity

name three movies based off of drinking games that don't exi

Levname three movies based off of drinking games that don't exist
Four Shots Down: my journey from completely sober to just drunk enough but then I stop so I don't make any irresponsible choices
Spit Bucket: a couple goes on a wine tasting in the Napa Valley but find themselves accidentally joining a death cult
Drunk Pirates: it's just a documentary about pirates
Levhahahaha
ok good
now you
LevMan-kale-a: a group of friends playing an innocent stone counting game are surprised when the game pulls them into a lif- it's jumanji, it's jumanji but all vegetable and salad themed
Confessions: a woman goes to church to confess her sins, the severity of the sin she confesses to be determined by dice roll, but when this pure lady gets a six, she has nothing so ranchy to confess. She feels compelled by the power of christ to commit sins spicy enough to confess for a level 6
Tipsy Planets: a documentary on weird gravitational anomalies that causes some exoplanets to wobble in the absence of forces that would cause them to do so

new year's sleep.

Levits nap time for lev
boo
this is abandonment
Levi just figured you didn't want to spend the new year babysitting my feelings
would bode badly for the rest of the year
i crave the spice
especially when I can't sleep
Levsorry moment's gone
we can do something else to help you sleep
unfortunately the only thing to help me sleep is you talking about your feelings

sunrise.

Levtell me what series i should download
for the flight to america
Love
Levwhat is love
...
baby dont hurt me
booo
Levboo cause you wanted to say it
cause it was too predictable
Levyou know what else is
the sunrise
and yet i'm thankful every single day
that joke is no sunrise

airport.

Levinstead of telling me what gate my flight is at
it just says relax
which is just the most gosh darned condescending thing i ever did see
Relax at an airport?
That is physically impossible
Levi dunno, i know a guy who loves going being at the airport so he can get shitfaced in the morning
he is also an alcoholic tho
Is that man you
Levi cant even handle alcohol that doesnt come with a little umbrella
i dont have the internal gravitas to be an alcoholic

vladi.

Levany spicy life updates from vladi
brother or friend
how is his new job do we know what he researches yet
i bet its some spy shit
No updates from brother
Friend vladi said that our other friend vladi left her boyfriend
Levthat is too many vladis to track

simp.

Levmaybe she remembers
and she's just cruel
and doesn't care
Maybe this time you can pretend not to know her
Make the turntables
Levi don't have it in me
i don't have the willpower to suppress my simping
Don't I know it
What if you suppress it just for a bit
And then go into another room and simp into a pillow
Levno then i might end up simping all over myself
too messy
also i no longer enjoy this metaphor

neg.

did you see you make yourself into an arcane character
Levi think i saw one example
but it was someone good at art doing it
I'm still waiting to see mine
Levwho do you think you'll end up like
i guess vi?
renn
Levnah
you're not cool enough
this is the weirdest neg I ever did see

hashbrowns.

Levnext time we are in the same place
im making hashbrowns
may god be my witness
I will remember this
Levi have never made hashbrowns tho
so eh
That's even better
I'll watch you slowly fuck them up and realise you have contributed to my increased distaste for hashbrowns
Levmy notification preview just said
"I will watch you slowly fuck them"
which would be a pretty major deviation from the original recipe
I mean
Dealers choice
Levdealer chooses to not fuck the food
because he will also eat it
Person who has to at some point bone a chicken seconds this

entry only.

Are you feeling better now
Levyes much
all my holes are entry only
So poop can only enter your butt?
Levyeah its my new weight gain routine
You can finally be full of shit in a literal sense as well
Levmy dream since i was a little boy

american public.

I've lost my grasp of the American general public
Is this a realistic set of reactions
Or is it fake
Levwho knows
you think i interact with the general public
self checkouts and uber eats exist
I don't know man
Maybe they say shit while you're scanning your stuff
Or they talk to you about your dog
You can't avoid them all the time
Levoh ye they do talk to me about my dog
actually its less talking
and more every lady in a 3 mile radius splooshing their panties at once

ok, in shrek 2

ok, in shrek 2
when shrek confuses the handwash water for soup
its an honest mistake
they put a little lemon in it
LevI don't like where this is going
thats where it was going
it went there

snail.

Levgive meme
There's an article with the title "Scientists just erased certain memories from a snail's brain - and they think it'll work with humans, too"
And then a tweet
Scientists: do you remember anything?
Snail:
Scientists: oh my god what have we done
Levhahaha
thats pretty good
You seem to have a weakness for animal-based memes
Levits true
they are so dumb
so its funny when they are put into human situations

happy birthday.

LevI like this trend of making me a song for my birthday but I gotta say you got a real different vibe with the ukulele
for an actual song you will have to wait until I have access to an instrument
there's only 2 wine glasses here
Levthats enough for 2 notes and a chord
im not asking for an orchestral composition
are you asking for Shut up
because Shut up and take your song
happy birthday

thirst trap.

Levthe dude looks like gordon levitt and timothee chalumets love child
You'd think I'd love him for it
But he looks like a douche tbh
One of those guys that thirst trap on tiktok
Levi'd watch him get sexy arrested
Hahaha
You have the right to remain shirtless
Levanything you have can and will be pressed against me

playlist.

Levalright you've added more songs
but if I count the people I added and you count the people you added
then I added more songs
bitch people you add should subtract songs
as much as I love those people and the tunes they've added
it compromises the integrity of the playlist
Levthen you should get no songs for being the original compromiser
I am carrying this playlist on my shoulders like Atlas
meanwhile you're outsourcing to a bunch of brown people like a goddamn call center

russian show.

did you know there is a russian show called It's always sunny in Moscow
that's exactly like It's always sunny in philadelphia
except it sucks
Lev:c
why did they make it bad
instead of good
cause russians can't do comedy
russian cinema is great, but their good movies mostly make you wanna fuckin shoot yourself
incidentally, so do the comedies
but for a different reason

cycle.

It’s just the same cycle every time
I get an urge to play the sims
Then I play for 10 hours a day for 4 days
And then I uninstall and completely forget it
Levsome people say we may never understand the menstrual cycle
I just explained it to you
Levif only there was some way for it to be explained to us
but alas it shall forever be a mystery
alas
one more secret a vagina will never reveal to you

can't we have a nice evening without alcohol

can't we have a nice evening without alcohol
I swear I am at least 65% as fun when I'm sober
Levbut it could be 100%
if you can't take me at my 65%
you don't deserve me at my 100%
Levfor Independence Day we need mdma

biiiitch

Levbiiiitch
lets get you set up
shhh i'm watching schizophrenia simulations
Levwhat
schizophrenia
simulations

portion control.

LevI got me some guac
but like
not very good guac
I got the tortilla chips from yesterday
Levgross
day old tortilla chips
more like
don't have my life together-ips
sorry that I don't stuff my face with tortilla chips until I can't breathe
it's called portion control bby
Levoh are you telling me its name because you're just now learning about it?

I need 1 min

I need 1 min
Levtake yo time
ok ready
Levnow i need 20 min : /
breet
you said take yo time
Levyeah
take even more time
I'll take my time all the way until tomorrow
lev
what could you possibly be doing
you are unemployed
Levi am hanging with ab in between meetings
i am unemployed but she is extra employed
hang out faster
Levwe are hanging at light speed
something something u cum fast

bo burnham.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYy0o-J0x20
I wanted to find bo burnham's joke about shucking corn
but got this instead
it never gets old
Levit is very good
it's making me crave a burrito
Levnothing in inside hit me quite as hard
oh
oh
Levwe had very different emotional responses

adonis.

Levnah ya'll pumped my head real big
I look like ADONIS
who's we
I ain't done pumped shit
Levyou thought all those mancala compliments were harmless?
i don't remember giving out that many
Levall I needed was one
shit
remind me what I said
so i can backtrack
Lev"Over the years I have seen you turn into a confident and handsome man"
i did not say handsome
i don't even think i said confident
i said charming
Lev"Over the years I have seen you turn into a confident, handsome, charming, big pp man"
i'm starting to question even the charming part
Lev"Over the years I have seen you turn into a big pp"
now that's a statement I can get behind

work ethic.

can a friend be a sugar daddy
Leva sugar friendy
your best bet is probably still kabir tho
or nadir, he's been getting that FB money
but he has two children so who knows if he can even afford dinner every night
nah I've made my choice
im bettin on you kid
Levyou uh...
saw my work ethic these past couple of months, yeah?
i saw them continuing to pay you and being sad to see you go
after two years of what can only imagine added up to 48 minutes of work
that's talent

chaise longue.

i wish the chaise longue wasn't there
Levfuckin chaise longue
what is your problem with that word
it is the correct term for this piece of furniture
Levit's a deck chair my man
yeah if you're a yankee doodle pleb
Levd e c k c h a i r
deck chair
what an unsophisticated way to refer to furniture
ooga booga a chair you put on your deck
what should we call it??
Levye ye chaise longue is much more sophisticated
herp derp this chair got long, innit
touché
or as you would say
props
Levit's like you don't even know me
i would say
fair dos
ah fuck
my b
Levor as you would say
faire equitables

bonjour.

Levwait did I send the toilet emoji or did you
you did
i thought it was a suggestion
LevI'm a purist
I try to only send it
if I am on the toilet
at that very second
in fact,
the poop does not come out if the emoji hasn't been sent
but once it has
your poop is like
b o n j o u r
Levthe secret is, renn
my poop is always like
b o n j o u r

free man.

Levi had my last day at work
i am now a free man
woooooooooo
congratulations
what should we do to celebrate
you want to videochat and you just watch me silently eat korean bbq
Levi am now unemployed
homeless
and dont have a car
and my condition still sounds less sad than what you just proposed

self-driving cars.

Levthe call is on monday
man can't they allow you to be unemployed for like one second
their website looks very cool
but Lev
did you tell them
that you can't drive
Levtheir cars don't have steering wheels
so I am safe
it may actually be an advantage
cause you have a better incentive to teach the car to drive
LevI will bootstrap the shit out of it
"someone has to do it, car, and it ain't gonna be me"
Levthen again
I am also going to teach a car to drive
when I also dont know how to drive
car: so what do I do here?
me: I dunno, windshield wipers I guess?
baby in stroller: oh no
lol
better save those gems for monday

last year's echo.

Levisnt it ironic that a year ago you were like
"no I dont want to go to costa rica and get covid in a place where I dont know the language"
and this year you went to costa rica and got covid in a place you dont know the language
oh god you're right
Well having native speakers there to help us out was much better
Levyeah it would have sucked without them
we couldnt even read the quarantine order
I'm sure if past me knew how things were gonna go down
She would have preferred to wait a year
Levyeah also vaccine and all
still
a nice little echo of last year
Speaking of echo
You also said that you would have loved to spend quarantine in Costa Rica
Levand I did
so we were both right

costa rica.

Levthe gift shop also has water if you need it
maybe
if I ever get through the passport control line on time
Levoh no
did they realize you are bulgarian
I didn't see a red carpet so probably not
Hahahahaha
A red carpet
As I leave their country
Levthey are all very excited for you to go
At least I'm kicked out in style
Costa Rica, you classy betch

5 am.

are you here yeeeeet
Levthree hours away
from finishing deboarding
boh and then another three hours getting through airport checks and taking the car
Levan then 3 more hours until we realize we flew to the san jose in california instead
that's cool I'll be chilling by the pool
if I go swimming at 5 in the morning do you think I will look like a psychopath or someone who is just really healthy mentally
Levyou know how before an earthquake, animals start acting real strange
it'll have the same energy
I was more hoping for a Sim being played incorrectly

spiders.

it wasn't even that scary
But again, it depends on what scares you the most
Levslowly losing a sense of self as you don't know whether what you're experiencing is your mind deteriorating from a mishandled experiment or part of simulation designed to scare the ever loving shit out of you?
also
like
spiders?
Levnah bro spiders are cool
I agree
But there were spiders in the episode
LevI find that offensive
I come from a long line of spiders
The only thing you have in common with spiders is that you are both really obsessed with what comes out of your butt

porn comic.

what was the name
Levwhose name
of the porn comic
Levwhy am I always the source
you have all the good reccs
Lev:/
i don't know anyone else who reads for pleasure
though you might be reading for a little too much pleasure
Levthere's several ways to interpret that and I don't like that phrasing for any of them
can you just let me tell my joke
LevI dunno is this a conversation or a stand up routine

pee.

But I was coincidentally totally in a toilet
3.5/5 no lock and I can't fortify the door
Levthat should rate lower than 3.5
what are you going to do if there is a siege
I'm confident in my abilities to pee and flee simultaneously
Levare you very practiced
A lady doesn't tell
Levbut do you?
No
I pee and melee
Levis that
is that supposed to rhyme?
Yes
Can you just work with me here

possum?

possum?
Levits a pig mate
you city slickin ass lady
and one of those is a chihuahua
now who is a city lady
Levyou
oooooh, burn
Levdont try to hide, i know how much that burn got to you
oh yeah no it killed me
you're a savage
Levi should try to use my powers only for good
where's the fun in that
I say go full bond villain
Levno mr bond, i expect you to cry

licence.

we were going to go to champagne for his birthday
but he got his driving licence taken away
Levwhy?
he ran a red light with his bike 4 years ago
i just find it so ridiculous that they would take his car-driving licence for a bike violation
"you gonna run a red light and you gonna ignore us for 4 years? fine, you ain't driving SHIT"
Levlol
its only right tho
these bikers have been riding with impunity for too long
what happens to the people without driving licences though
do they take their subway passes
Levyes
justice must be exacted
if you don't have that
they break your legs

bad art.

Levnah man your drawings look all natural and shit
like you understand why things look good and how to make them look good
whereas I am a chef that has no mouth
with our powers combined
maybe we can make something original but also good
Levit is more likely we will make something unoriginal but also bad
we can have a bad art gallery
Levdo you think people would buy our bad art
it's always about the hustle with you isn't it

team bird.

Nobody wants England to win
We're all United against them
Levpoor england
all they wanted to do was make fun of crying children
And tomorrow
They will pay the ultimate price
Levis there a chance both will lose?
i am rooting for that one
What if a bird flies in and scores a goal
Wouldn't that be nice
Levthat would be lovely
i am team bird
and team referee
because i support the bird
but it should still play by the rules

juice.

I think it's time we all stopped being ashamed of our kinks
The world would be a better place for it
Levi agree
except for you
you should be deeply ashamed
I find that really difficult
Levoh no
instead of shame juice
your brain is now filled with sexy jeopardy roleplay juice
It's some kind of juice for sure
Levevery day we stray further from jesus is lord

toilet.

but my friend told me that I must have really fucked him up
Levyou want me to tell you something that'll def fuck you up?
yes yes yes
Levi had the bidet turned on for a non insignificant part of this convo
man
you never have anything spicy for me
also you overestimate your asshole's influence on my life
you've been texting me from a toilet for 10 years
Levye but i didnt have a bidet before
now every time I get off the toilet I have to say "and I bidet good day to you too"
it's really not necessary
Levthat's where you are categorically wrong
I'm really discouraged to give the spicy when you respond like this
Levyou love it
you've brought this conversation to a stop
you have
flushed it down the drain
toilet
goddamn it

tunnel parties.

tunnel parties have lost their appeal for me
i went to one in brussels
was fuckin windy as hell
i was too annoyed to enjoy myself
Levdid
did you go to a wind tunnel
shut up
don't tell me what i did
Levwere all the other partygoers aerofoils?
yes
what are they
Levaerodynamic shapes
they were humans
Levbut aerodynamic ones?
aw hell no
aerostatic

socks.

i will never understand why you take such pleasure in riling people up and starting petty fights but you gotta draw the line somewhere
and i say draw the line at half-socking
do you not understand how much that unsettles me
once, you even had the nerve to quarter-sock
meaning you had not only half-socked
but your other sock was missing completely
every day you stray further from god's light
Levis no socking ok
no socks i can take
it's bohemian
half-sock is psychotic

bread.

we can skip it if you don't have a good question
Levyeah it was a 1 anyways
it would have been like
which one of your feet is your favorite
my favourite bread is a croissant
i disregard your foot question
Levbitch that's a pastry
semantics
Levwhat's your favorite bread
goat curry
my favourite bread is a piano
Levyeah from the looks of it the grand kind
ey yoooooooooooooooooo

hijacking.

don't fly to Seattle
just make the plane fly past
they'll be happy to
Levyou mean
hijack it?
I'm not sure that's the right call here
you call it hijacking
I call it plane persuasion
Levairorape

renn.

every single guy i've ever flirted with
hasn't been able to move on
they lay in bed with they girl
and they're like 'i wonder what renn is doing and what she's wearing and if she still thinks about me'
spoiler: i don't
for all of those things
Levcut to renn
renn:
i wonder if I can fit my entire leg in a balloon
truly i am living life right

coolest armenian.

Sona is like the coolest Armenian I know
Levbruh
I've got like
emotions and stuff
Oh like you care
Lev:c
I gotta be the coolest something
I figured with the limited population
armenian was my best chance
Bruh
Sona lives in California
So you ain’t even the coolest Armenian in your state
Lev:ccccc
Maybe you can be the coolest Armenian on your street

tomorrow.

Levtomorrow today or tomorrow tomorrow
tomorrow tomorrow
Levso today?
tomorrow
Levnow?
not today
nor now
Levyesterday
the day after today
Levcurrently
have patience for europa
europa is a dish best served at room temperature
which it will achieve in 24 hours

inaguration.

i keep thinking 'please nobody shoot him pls pls pls'
Levwhat a rock and roll start to 2021 that would be
i'm not capable of dealing with seeing something like that i think
yes i'm making it about me
so his speech is very much unity-centred
which i think is the right focus
but then again
why is a part of his hair flapping in the wind
just a few hairs, but it's enough to be distracting from his message
where is the unity in his hair
oop, he stumbled over a few words
clearly unfit to lead
Levaw man i was gonna make a unity of his hair joke
too slow
no, actually
say it
let's judge if it was gonna be better than mine
Levwhere is the unity of his hair
2/10
comedy is all about timing lev

assblaster.

how is everyone doing. i'll go first i am doing bad
Levi am good thanks
did you get assblasted
Levhavent used it yet
go now
and give an update
Levbut
i dont need to
youre just telling me to wash my ass
you don't need to poop to assblast
Levye then it would just be an asswash
you wash your ass, lady
I don't have an assblaster
Levyou are yourself an assblaster
be the change you want to see in the world

plant porn.

the guy that posts audio porn that I listen to
released one that is plant-themed
he really knows his audience
Levi am having a hard time parsing any bit of this statement
which part is confusing
Levthe plant themed audio porn part
is it like
yeah stick that hibiscus in me you dirty fir?
noooo
do you think I have some weird plant fetish
Levyes
no it's a roleplay where he's learning all these things about taking care of plants from me
and then he pays me back in kind
Levis this like ghost where you hold him from behind as he waters a cactus

twimst.

l o n g u e c a t t e
Kabirhe twimst
you know you can actually get a cat like this
I think they're called savannah cats
no guarantee he twimst tho
Kabirunfortunately I need 100% certainty of twimst
get one and test
if he twon't, give him to me
Kabirare you ready for that kind of commitment tho
boi I will marry that cat

rennjamin.

KabirI expected the great Rennjamin R. Franklin to proudly go against the grain
Levwhat's the R stand for?
KabirRennjamin
Levit's Rennjamin Rennjamin Franklin?
Kabiryea
with a name like that
I will not only go against the grain
I am the grain
Kabirhold on
isn't being the grain the opposite of going against the grain
'I will not only be cold'
'I will be hot'
yea
Kabiryea

pumpkin.

look at this pumpkin
Kabir...
either you
or I
don't know what a pumpkin is

or sth.

Kabirlook at this photograph
Asadgood times
who is the girl on the left
AsadS— M— or sth
Kabirlol "or sth"
lad why pretend that you don't know her exact name and the last 7 addresses she stayed at
"S— M— or sth"
"SSN was ••••••••• or sth"
"tel +1 ••• ••• ••••"
...
or sth
Asadshe's actually my wife or sth
Levwhen she was a child she dreamed of being a vet but her father forced her to put down their family dog to prove that she had what it took and she never recovered from that
or sth

low effort.

Leveyyy
Kabirboi
low effort
Kabirlow effort
high impact
Levnickname for my penis
well
more of a catchphrase
Kabira nice alternative for two pump chump
LOW EFFORT HIGH IMPACT BAYBEEE
*ejaculates sadly*

hello friend

hello friend
just wanted to let you know
that i feel intense affection for you today for no reason at all
Levaww
very sweet
is it the complete isolation of living in an abandoned hotel
lev
did I fucking stutter
I said for no reason at all
Levno you didnt stutter
I just assume you are an unreliable narrator of your own inland empire

eugenics.

"How not to kill twenty houseplants"
a book I've never read
KabirI guess you were gone for a while
I hate to say it renn, but...
they died of sadness
":c" - 50% of your plants' last words
I managed to propagate a lot of them
soon their babies will replace them
Kabir":c" - your plants in the afterlife, hearing how you're just gonna replace them with their babies
Levthis is eugenics
but instead of breeding for the strongest
you're just breeding for who can numb themselves against the world the best
look at me, I'm Lev
when my friend is doing eugenics
I panik
but when it brings me the modern watermelon
i sleep

baguette.

oh I get it now
Kabirwait do you
no :/
Kabirbecause seemed like the joke was mostly the nonsequiturness
I think Lev wanted to make it a burn
but didn't know how to use the baguette part
Levi know plenty well how to handle a baguette thank you very much
bitch you can handle a breadstick at most
Levgirl you can call me olive garden because the breadsticks are infinite and substandard
you can call me taco bell because one night with me will make you hate yourself all weekend

arson.

arson?
oh, you mean
Crime Brûlée
Levthat's pretty good
gotta admit
couldn't decide if it was funnier with or without the possum
Levpossum is a good add
I feel like a possum makes anything funnier
Levthat's why your sex life is hilarious

I still don't understand what she saw in me, I feel like I w

LevI still don't understand what she saw in me, I feel like I would be the very opposite of her type
maybe she just had shit taste in guys
Levpoor gal
I'm sure she's ok now
Levno renn
i have emotionally crippled every lady I did not hook up with
no I talked to her and she told me that she just recently got over you
Levpshh
she was too cool to be talking to you
I don't know
I was the one hanging out with her crush
Levyeah but that goes back to her bad taste in men
like if the prince asked cinderella to the ball but she was like nah I got a busy evening watching the rats in my kitchen fight over a sausage

bang bus.

Levwhen your mom does a bang bus episode everyone on the bus joins in
AsadWhen your mom does bang bus, the title is the plot
Kabirwhat
the title is the plot regardless of who is on the bang bus
hahahaha
Kabirsetting and premise in one phrase
setting: bus
premise: you bang on the bus
bang bus
AsadAntagonist: bus
Kabirprotagonist: bang
AsadPremise: his mom bangs bus

einstein.

Levanyways einstein slept with his cousin and had a poop fetish
mans got down
ehh pobody's nerfect
Levoh nvm
no poop fetish
just cousin fucking
yes we talked about that yesterday
we figured he had to come up with something to overshadow the cousin fucking
so that's why he came up with the theory of relativity
Levmore like the theory of relative's titties
amirite?
ye u rite

apple bottom.

What do you think Apple Bottom Jeans are
Levapple bottom jeans are things that go with
the boots with the furrrrr
and make the whole club be looking at herrrr
I tell you what
The whole club might be looking at her
But not me
That just sounds like a terrible outfit
Kabiryea
unless she got a butt that slaps I guess
I think it’s implied it does indeed slap
KabirBut idk your scenario I think was equally hilarious to me though renn
Apple butt?
🍎
That but either belongs to someone born with just one leg
or like a mermaid
Nah man
An Apple butt is tight and supple
Kabir🍑= normal 2 leg human
🍎 = crackless monstrosity

well, let's be honest

well, let's be honest
the man is not made of stone
and as has been established by all of you,
I am a grade-A hottie
Levit seems his ego being stroked was the wrong one to worry about
well everyone is getting these little ego boosts
why not me too
#MeTooPlease

bants.

you are funnier than I am
LevI don't know if that's true
you had some bangers in barbados
and I was feeling rather unfunny for most of it
the rule is about what I think
not the objective truth
Levalright fair enough
i didn't have bangers
what are you talking about
Levor maybe it's cause ya'll didn't appreciate my fucking a++ puns
I remember some quality bants
I don't remember what it was
listen, you know I'm not your audience for puns
I don't find them nearly as delightful as everyone else
Levnobody finds them delightful renn
they only find them bearable

web show.

Levi probably thought of it on account of all the webcams i have in your house
you should tell me where they are
if you want them back
i'm moving out in two weeks
Levnah its ok I am curious who will move in next
it'll be like when the new season of a show has a complete cast change
hope they improve the writing at least
season 1 had terrible character development
Levit got pretty good when that one character cameod last year
but it was pretty dead after that
yeah they were jumping the shark with that one already
Levprovided the fan service tho

american visa.

oh my god bro
i've literally never done so much work to go to a country
they're asking me for all the places i've worked and studied
and all the countries i've been to in the last 5 years
like what
Levthats cause youre applying to go to the greatest country in the world
doubt
Levwhy else would it be so hard to get in
I'm done
I only need to upload a decent photo
And hide the evidence of all my human trafficking
Levgetting the visa truly is impossible

cool things.

i want the new mac mini with the m1 chip
Levi hear its good
i hear that too
and I want to do after effects things
Levwhat things
not sure yet
special effects things
Levalright you keep your secrets
i just literally don't know yet
i just see cool things and i try to copy them
Levsame
but for like
my personality

true love.

Levhow dare you ditch our solo trip for a fling
even hypothetically
i would never
only for true love
Levor a villa
or like non-true love but with a cottage
I will have to play it by ear
Levor like pretty dang close to real love and a storage unit
can we get once in a lifetime kind of love and no storage unit
we have no things to put in it
Levno for that you have to get him a storage unit
this relationship is sounding very transactional
Levyou're actually just talking to a real estate agent
but daddy i love him!
Levhe's an automated phone machine
I'll die before I see you date one of those

pronce.

We’re watching Pronce of Egypt
LevPRONCE
i will die for you my mojesty
Hahaha
Deliver us, Mosos
Levpart the rod sea
thats what you have to do at a club full of thirsty dudes

ok I'm off to the airport

ok I'm off to the airport
Levhave fun
wear the kn95 mask I got you
awww
Levwhat
That was very sweet
You got me masks
Levyes the bare minimum sweetness of not wanting you to die
the bar for this friendship is on the floor

my mom demands your blinni recipe

Levmy mom demands your blinni recipe
Lol she hasn’t even tried them
Levyeah but she curious
I have ascended beyond recipes
Levor even choosing ingredients
I just start with an egg and see where my talent takes me
Levyou close your eyes and hope for the best
Ingredients shmengrients
Who needs em
Levwe do
for eating
we eat the ingredients
Is my dick an ingredient
Cause you can eat it
I realize that ‘eat my dick’ is not an expression but roll with me please
Levit absolutely is
Am I using it right
Levyes
but
quite unsatisfying as an ingredient
Alas, it must be done

room service.

it finally happened
I ordered the same meal for room service so much
that tonight I didn't have to give the guy my room number, he knew it was me
I wish the meal was at least something classy
but it was chicken nuggets :/

naked attraction.

Levrenn
there is a german naked attraction
woooooo
I will translate for everyone
Kabirthe language of nudity and slight arousal is universal
I cannot emphasise enough how asexual this show feels
Levyeah its amazing how effectively it removes any possibility of a boner

moccasins.

Levwhy didn't you drive your own car?
Kabirthe drive to Oakland is one I've done so many times
it's so boring that my subconscious would ask for death
wow getting an uber to a place cause you're too bored to drive is a different kind of bougie
Kabirit wasn't just because I was bored
it's because I had misplaced my driving moccasins as well
Levwhy didn't you ask your valet to find them for you?
KabirI did, but he failed
he has since been terminated
just go to the mocacasin concierge
Levjust ask your emergency cordwainer to make a new pair, no?
Kabirobviously but the man can only work so fast
I should have a new pair in time for my travels

maebs.

sleep sleep
so you have energy for all the show watching later
Levmaebs
i don't like this lukewarm response
maybe I'll be the one maebsing you later
Levbitch its 4 am
i am lukewarm awake at best
you cant maebs out of malice
only apathy
wow, okay
I see how it is
Levits not in the maebs spirit othwerwise
I can be apathetic too
Levyou forgot the space after the a

boob out.

did I have one boob out all the time
no i didn't
i was checking
Levlike in the dream
or life
life
Levoh i dunno
ive only known you for a third of it
cant really say what you were doing before
i didn't have boobs before
Levoh is it cause you kept leaving them out and they got stolen
like your bikes
BIKES
no i never left my boobs out
i love them
they're my stressball of solace in dark times
world cold and hard, tiddy warm and soft

tiktok.

I should have my own tiktok
Levwith that side part it better be the tik tok equicavalent of an oldies station
you never support my creative endeavors
you are bringing me down with your millennial energy
Levyou should write that on a post it and stick it to your side part
middle parts 👏 don't 👏 fit 👏 my 👏 bone 👏 structure
Levyeah cause you got old bones
You are right behind me in this race to the grave
so I wouldn't get too cocky
Levhey, finally a marathon you CAN win

piece of shit.

should I cook a meal like a grown ass woman or should I order fried chicken like a piece of shit
Levpiece of shit
piece of shit
piece of shit
should it maybe be sushi so I can pretend that it's healthy?
Levpiece of shit
piece of shit
piece of shit
hmmm
Levi am typing all these out
no copy paste
respect the chant
ok im done
but haven’t ordered food yet
Levpiece of shit
piece of shit
piece of shit
hopefully this doesn't give you a complex or anything
i think this has hit a point where it's less about encouraging me to indulge
and more about you enjoying calling me a piece of shit

dum.

thanks
i was starting to believe it
Levthat's cause you dum
no u
LevI think you will find
that in fact
no
u
but look in this box
|_|
look look
Levit's empty
is it your brain box
look again
Levoh wait no
I was mistaken
it's full
it's overflowing
it's full of dum dum

this is a doggy fannypack

this is a doggy fannypack
i don't know if your mom can get cooler than this
Levexcuse me my moms coolness is unbounded
truedat
especially if we put your dog who is much cuter than this garbage dog
Levtruly this dog looks like the skyrim character creation screen of dogs
i assume that if I had ever played skyrim I would be chuckling
Levprolly not
:c
Levif you wanted to chuckle you should have made a funny friend instead of a cool one
i have both
one day you will meet them
Levhopefully one day you will meet them too

comedy.

i can't believe you've done this
LevI heard that so clearly in your weird played up accent you use for that phrase
i had to keep playing it up because no one ever acknowledged that it was from the video
Levbut you played up the tommy wisseu accent for some reason
instead of the english accent
it's called _comedy_
LevI hope one day _comedy_ answers that call
hello, _comedy_?
please pick up
i been calling for 15 years
Lev_this number has been disconnected_
damn

You can’t make garbage jokes anymore

You can’t make garbage jokes anymore
Do you want to know why
Levwhy
Because today I came home from a trip
And I unpacked my suitcase
Instead of hopping over it for two weeks
What’s that? I can’t hear you over the sound of me getting my life together

new years eve.

Levare yall doing midnight on the beach?
Kabircurfew
Levoh shit ye
thats good for me so i can call in
wwwww you misss usssss
Kabiraw you miss
me
specifically
admit it to yourself lev
Levaww you miss
me
with that shit

city.

if you were a city, you would beeeee
Probably Dublin
It’s not overwhelming and flashy but it has a lot going on
It doesn’t have the pretentiousness of other capitols
But I've never not had an amazing time there
LevI think you'd probably be...
Madrid?
because I've seen you there
Wow
I give you this beautiful analogy and thoughtful answer
And you give me this
I am Bobo the Fool
Levalso it was a fun time
Try again
Levyou'd be philly
cause you always trying to pick a fight

crack.

Levi dunno man
when i do crack i find myself not needing your company
coincidence or is it that ive just found elsewhere for my fix?
but you never do crack
you're saying that you never not need my company
Levyou dont know what my life is like in philly
ive changed
i say jawn
i do crack
do crack in front of me right now
do one crack to prove
Levi dont have any on me
do a crack
Levthats why im talking to you
oof
Levor else id be doing a crack

dog application.

did they reject your applications
Levnah just no replies
write me an application
I will reply to you
Levtbh they've all been along the lines of
pls can have dog?
I mean
what else needs to be said
Levaddress
i live in belgium

did you see Good Time

did you see Good Time
it wasn't about pilots but still
Levmy messanger has given up on notifications it seems
no i did not
I just thought you didn't care about my messages
Levboth can be true
nice joke bro now I'm insecure

hogwarts house.

I think I want to be ravenclaw
but I'd be hufflepuff
Levwhat was hufflepuff thing?
were they the creative types?
Hufflepuff values hard work, patience, justice, and loyalty.
Leveh
I think you'd be in Aught
what that is
Levthe Outhouse
cause you look in the mirror and you are toilet

craigslist.

Levwhere you can get dog
I think you start with looking at the websites of local shelters
and fb groups
Levdoes craigslist count?
goddamn craigslist always reminds me that i live in a social bubble of people that can express full cogent thoughts

bring it.

Kabirtalking to Lev
about how they haven't hit up the bars/clubs yet
and will wait for us
you ready to Bring It
bruh I am physically incapable of not Bringing It
sometimes, I try to leave It at home
but, alas, I still Bring It
Kabirit's true I have borne witness to you having brought it

you could just also quarantine with us

Kabiryou could just also quarantine with us
Levno thanks
would have to jam thay fucking stick in my nose again
not worth
rude
Kabirlol renn get a load of this guy, doesn't even appreciate a good stick up the nose
what a square
Dude I’ve gotten 4 tests in the past 2 weeks
If you can’t take a stick up the nose for our friendship
Then what kind of friend are u
Levdont you be pretending you got those sticks in your nose for me
Boi
I’d take a stick up the anything
Levthats just your saturday night entertainment
I wish
I been single for too long

balk.

I don’t think Kabir would make for a good lead in the next Jurassic park movie
Levy
Kabirbecause I'm not a pratt
Levyou know you damn well are
damn it
you missed the chance
Now I gotta come up with something else
KabirI missed the chance at what
dunking on your set-up like michael jordan?
Levman i am being overwhelmed by the chemistry yall have as a comedy duo

I wish we had an instrument we could bring along

I wish we had an instrument we could bring along
2 days of jamming in quarantine
KabirI'll bring my tiny keyboard thing
but
it's like 1.5 octaves
can we postmate a ukulele
so we can play all the adventure time songs
Kabirwe can levmate whatever we like

horses.

Levthe horses were very tame
I hope they're being treated well
Levye hes like this rasta dude that lives with his horses
one of them got hit by a car the day before we got there
and he seemed pretty broken up about it
yeah but did you ask the horses
if they were okay
Levyou know what
i did
but they said neigh
so maybe not

yeah i know you did your due diligence

Levyeah i know you did your due diligence
so im not mad at you, i just disagree which leaves me in a weird spot
the only solution to which is making little snipes
I don't want it to fester for three weeks
and marinate like a disappointment pickle
Levhow did you know annabelles nickname for my penis?

my multitasking abilities are enviable

my multitasking abilities are enviable
Levand also doubtful
bruh
you have seen me in my element
making panguscakes, playing videogames, watching jurassic park + smashing the patriarchy
all at the same time
Levbro
I was playing the video game
and lets be honest
doing the heavy lifting on the patriarchy smashing
can't leave a hard job to a woman
how
dare you
I catched us a beautiful dinosaur
Levcatched != got eaten by
also
catched != a real word

asad.

well if his mom is a fox then she would be more of a participant rather than a prop
Levi see i see, whereas here asad is a big ol dildo
just like in real life
Levpreach
oof, that doesn't feel nice when he can't read it
Levhahahah
oh no
it feels like it's behind his back
Levput it on puntimes
so its in front of his back
in front of his back is still behind him, no?
Levso both behind and in front of his back is behind him
does this man have a mobius spine

amazon fire.

Levannabelle just blew my mind
she was like
why does amazon name all their shit with fire iconography
like the kindle
and the amazon fire
isn't the amazon something were supposed to want to not be on fire
wtf amazon
annabelle is already miles ahead of amazon's PR team
although I have to be honest
Amazon Biodiversity Preservation doesn't have the same ring to it

sanity.

wait this doesn't look like a cute bird
Levrude
I call it like I see it
this just some common bitch
Levfigured you'd relate
I gotta be honest, I relate more to that armchair
both for its fabulousness and its mass
Levwide betch beth
is what i assume its name is
what a bosass betch
I think it's better to start anthropomorphising the furniture right away
lose all pretence of sanity
Levslow your roll
its our first day of quarantine
why postpone the inevitable
Levto keep that electric moment right before you and the furniture both admit your steadily declining mental health
at least you have your girlfriend
I will be alone
even less time to lose
I'll start addressing the toaster by his last name right as I walk in the door

seal.

Levlook
https://bit.ly/33Er3cf
this is the thiccest seal you will ever see
KabirWhat a giant fuckin lad
reminds me of that futurama episode
where everyone is seals
and bender is the chad seal
Levthat's how I feel on the inside
Kabirlike a seal megachad?
where are all your seal hoes, megachad?
Levmy seal hoes
are you guys
the seal hoes were the friends we made along the way

birthday in jail.

it would be fun to spend your birthday quarantined
you order in, watch cartoons all day
Levin a government holding facility
aka jail
what do you want for your birthday
Levwell I'll be in jail with my girlfriend
so I guess a conjugal visit
well
technically, she's your cellmate
you don't need a conjugal visit to fuck your cellmate
Levproblematic
but acceptable
how is it problematic
Levcause now I'm fucking my prison cellmate
which doesn't sound like a good look
hmm
you can roleplay
pretend that she's not a cellmate
but your girlfriend
on a visit
Levwow
getting wild with it
"Oh hello my boyfriend, I am just here of my own free will"
Lev"I am very much not forced to be here by government regulations"

rona.

how you have time to write that whole thing
and not comfort me while I'm coming down with the rona
Levwhat are your symptoms anyways?
I just feel sus

vibe.

she is very welcome
Levdope
she really liked your place last time
and brussels in general
my place will be different now
but brussels will be still very cool
Levwell, same person decorated it
so I assume it will have the same vibe
the vibe is 'what if posion ivy had adhd and also didn't really care about plants all that much'
Lev"what if poison ivy's superpower was being ok at plants?"

spy kids 2.

Levyou want to watch some shit?
I do wanna watch some shit
spy kids 2
Levoh christ
his name will be mentioned a few times
Levproblematic
as you prefer
Levare there really no other options?
we can
have a conversation
Levoh no
that's even worse

sebastian.

this is just an ideal scenario
the boyfriend is by no means necessary
Sebastian would have to leave after 3 anyways
so we could have our alone chill time
Levthat's enough for a whirlwind romance
three sleepless nights
you know it won't work out in the long run
his abs gallop in his sleep
that's not the kind of man to make a home with
but by god
those three days would be unimaginable
his long haire all the way down to his back
speaking of his back, so strong and able to support you
that weight effortlessly resting on four sturdy hooves
sometimes I feel silly for being vulnerable with you
Lev
Levsebastian is a horse

my friend drops by to have a quick chat and sushi with us

my friend drops by to have a quick chat and sushi with us
and she skidaddles around 8 so you can have your call
Levshe don't have to skeddaddle
I can have my call in the bathroom or something
and they say robotics jobs aren't glamorous

milk shopping.

LevWhat kind of milk you like?
from a cow
Levlike the whole cow
Or just one percent of the cow
take like 3% cow
LevI took a whole cow cause i liked the picture
that's how I make most of my decisions

slang.

Levhow do the kids say it nowadays?
big oof
or is that old?
is there a newer one like
that's a fucky wucky!
Nooo
It’s
fuccy wuccy
Levnah b, that would be pronounced fu-chi wu-chi
fukky wukky maybe
We can do it with the Italian spelling
Fucchi wucchi
Levbut then it would be foo-ki wookie
like a horny chewbacca
I see this as an absolute win

Don’t try to make up your own slang

Don’t try to make up your own slang
That’s cash money lame
Levaw man I should say cash money things more it's cash money coo
Say a thing now
LevI like going to art museums cause it's cash monet cool
Ok I’ll give you that one
Even though monet is the only artist you know
And that’s only because I took you to that exhibit
LevI know plenty
why don't you gogh fucky wucky yoself
and rembrandt to close the bathroom door when you go for a shitty-ba-titty
Look at the last few lines of text you’ve written
And really think hard about your life
Levboi those lines were pure poetry in motion
but immobile
because they are static texts
but if feels like they're taking you on a journey
Yeah they’re taking me on a journey
Like before you write them I was on my phone
And now I’m gonna go on a journey away from my phone

gender reveal

https://i.redd.it/5qngo2jvr1m51.jpg
hahahaha I seriously can't get enough of this meme
Levhttps://i.redd.it/okm59iud5yl51.png
lmao americans do be like that
Levwhat u doin americans
the world shall know of mine offspring's peepee
KabirShould've been an "it's a boi" party
as in, it's a
boi why you setting off explosives for something so retarded
it's a
girl you really being a basic bitch and an arsonist rn
LevI think its a great idea
infinite guilt trip potential
"three people died just so we could know your gender and you're eating pizza rolls on a wednesday?"
"make something of yourself brayden"

hoot.

what do you know of hoots anyways
Levyou have learned of the hoot
but I was born in it
steeped in it
you hoot for pleasure
I hoot for survival
you tire me
Levfor you lack dedication to the hoot
when I grow tired and fear I may break, the great hoot mother whispers in my ear
"it will be owlright"
oh man, that reminds me
Levwhat could this possibly remind you of

car lover.

well no you don't want me to fuck my car
so you're phobic
you're a hater
Levlike I don't actively want you to
but I'm not against it
I'm just saying it's up to the car
how does a car give consent
Levvroom vroom noises
what even is this conversation
Levyou wanted a goddamn book club
this is the book club
where's the book part
LevI don't know man someone's probably written the book on how to fuck your car
I know exactly who
https://youtu.be/06BFsQ_28Co
LevI do not enjoy this
did they fucking blur the plates on the car
like they're protecting its identity

are they going to stay under the covers the whole time?

Levare they going to stay under the covers the whole time?
yeah for a show named Sex Tape this thing is surprisingly tame
though looking at some of these people
not seeing any of the action may be a good thing
Levehh
fucking in those white duvets makes them look like they're wearing robes and ku klux klapping them cheeks

check-in.

what's your myers briggs type
Levwas intp I think
ok
Levy
mind your own business

pregnant.

Levwhat are you talking about
we've not all been afraid that we were the first man to be pregnant
by definition half the people on earth can't even have that problem
you didn't either
what, you didn't get your period one month?
get outta here and stop trying to relate to me
Levrenn, it's even worse
I didn't get my period any month
oh that's good that's good
say more stupid shit like that
gets me all riled up for our fight later

farts.

my couch is 89% farts after your visit
I'm scared to make sudden movements on it
lest they be released
Levit's like with global warming
how a small temp change can release all the c02
causing more heat
causing more co2 release
but it's farts
coincidentally
also a greenhouse gas
things ain't lookin good for me in the next two months
maybe the answer is more plants
ugh, what am I saying
of course the answer is more plants

emotional house.

Levok nevermind I think she may have fallen asleep
ah so now you come crawling back to ye old fren ren
LevI didn't say that
but I won't argue if you try to mobilize kabir into some games
bitch who is in the same house as him right now
Levyou are in the same emotional house
what does that even mean
Levyou occupy the same emotional domicile
I tried to convince him
he resisted my charms
Levshocking
wow so happy I'm sticking around for these fun quips from you
Levwhat do you want man
I'm not some kind of quip machine
you can't put coins in me and get quips
at least not good ones
yeah no kidding

crying.

how long did she cry for when you came back
Levnot very long
it wasn't full on weeping
just a few sobs and tears
well tell her to chill out
Levjust cause you're too callous and dead inside to give me a proper weep every once in a while
bruh I do it for you
I don't cry in front of you cause you got the emotional capacity of a spork
Levdude sporks can hold so much emotion
cause they got the little bit where the soup goes
it can also hold emotion

tooth.

Levthat ended up implying much darker things
than I first planned
tis an unfortunate time for dark jokes
Levman you were really attached to that tooth
technically
it was attached to me
Levdepends on which piece you see as the main piece
the tooth is a pretty main piece
but I'm the whole damn cake

relationship goals.

Man, I just latched on to the first man that came to my house
I was like “I hate the way he looks but I can change everything about him when he moves in”
Only thing I can’t change is the name though
so Jules it is
Levthe basis of a strong relationship
"I hate everything about you but at least it is mutable"
"I will forge you into the husband I desire"
“Luckily for you, I like a project”
Lev"You will bend to my will like spaghet in hot water"

I still have to pick the main personality trait for your cha

I still have to pick the main personality trait for your character
not many options I'm afraid
Levis big pp energy not an available trait?
Popularity maybe?
Levno no
or Creativity, because your imagination is running wild

supercool.

I want a new profile photo
but dacha life has made me homely
even more homely*
Levyou been there like 4 days
bruh it's been 3 weeks
but let's face it, I had fully devolved by the 4th day already
Levit's like when supercooled water just needs one crystal
and becomes ice immediately
I am indeed as cool as ice
Or I guess I become as cool as ice when exposed to the crystal of living with my parents

pizzazz.

Bruh that’s called passion
And pizzazz
And I have it
Levthe only pizzazz you got is falling asleep after eating a margherita
The only pizzazz you get is while preparing the dough cause what a fuckin stretch that was

materials.

my mom has a masters in chemical engineering
if chemistry wasn't my weakest subject in high school, maybe I would have studied that
materials engineering looks like fun
Levit was the hardest engineering at penn
notoriously
I like a challenge
I'll study some crystals
or a rock or two
Levare those the two materials you know
diamonds
I guess that's also a rock
Levkinda?
it's just expensive carbon
I've already failed the entrance exam
"name three materials"

manly drink.

I guess I can drink spritz at the dacha
my parents loved it too
Levhonestly tho
who doesn't?
guys who try to compensate for a small pp with manly drinks
like, say
whisky
Levbro
honey whiskey
not sure that's exactly john wayne territory
what are you talking about
honey?
like the honey they put in mead?
aka a drink for vikings?
bruh
Levbro you right
I'm so manly john wayne would suck my dick just to get a taste of the man juice
well
nvm

steven strait is what would have happened if jon snow fucked

Levsteven strait is what would have happened if jon snow fucked jay baruchel and not daenerys
I mean
I'd watch that show
Levjay baruchel is one of the dragons
but super nerdy
and shit at fire
is this a netflix pitch meeting?
cause ya greenlit

plant pic.

Levthis is the problem with women today
they just blast out these pics of their plants
expecting it to get them something
ain't nobody want pics of a stranger's plant first thing
get to know me
and then maybe I'll ask for plant pictures
yeah I wanna get to know you baby
send me a pic of your plants
Levhow do I know you won't put it up on the internet
or show all your friends
when you have plants, you gotta realise that there’s always a risk
Levyeah but mine's a succulent
it's a high quality plant
very exclusive
it really isn’t
for real, those things pop up just anywhere
i have a succulent and once i just straight up forgot about it for like 4 months
oh, so i guess the analogy is accurate

fight.

hello friend, wanna get drunk and get in a fight over nothing with me today?
Levseems like a plan
what nothing would you like to fight over?
I think the best course of action is to start drinking and see where the stupid takes us

meanwhile

Levmeanwhile
its 12 pm and imma nap
so I guess you could say we're both having a pretty wild time
Man all you do is sleep
Levthat's why I'm so beautiful
but also so boring
Levlike a flower
explains why you're so interesting tho
did we just neg each other
Levye definitely

unsolicited.

LevI didn't need to see this
you just don't want to admit it
it's ok
I don't judge
Levgirl you need a judge
actually, I’ll send this in the group chat so you can receive it twice

spanish.

Lev2 months in costa rica
would have been ideal
quarantining in the ocean
I'm not feeling too great about spending an unprecedented pandemic on a continent I've never been to and where I don't speak the language
Levyou speak Spanish
bitch I can't say "is this covered by my insurance" in spanish
Levesta insurado?
NO VIRUSO, NO ES BUENO
Levyo no quiero corona
yo quiero bud light

if I stop making off colour unfunny jokes

Levif I stop making off colour unfunny jokes
the terrorists win
you are a hero among men
Levstemming the house of sharia law single handedly
no need to swoon
no need to tell me

porn roast.

Levwhat's our next movie?
porn roasts?
man, do you know how to start your day
LevI didn't mean now
sure, sure
now that you see I'm judging you
Levnothing wakes you up in the morning like the smell of freshly roasted porn

8-pack

indian guy did it better cause he showed his gut for one of the frames
but when he does it, it's funny and relatable
when I do it, I'm begging for attention
AsadAre you subtly flexing a lack of gut? Smort
Levdon't mind her asad she's just begging for attention
yes, it wasn't enough that I had to show off my meme skills
I also had to brag about my 8-pack
Levyeah that 8 pack of tortellini you eat every night

wholesome.

kabir, in my mind you’re a mix of Jake the Dog and donald glover
Kabirwhy you trying to make me blush
AsadHow much did Kabir pay you off with, Renn?
This is highly suspect
what a surprise, I think my friends are cool

tommy hilfiger.

Kabirgirl
for the last time
Tommy Hilfiger is not Tommy Hilfinger
You’re not making any sense
What does hilfiger even mean
AsadWhat does hilfinger mean?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
AsadIt means one lucky wife, amirite ladies
not if that's singular
Kabirhilthreefingers

prophecy.

remember when you guys called me on new years and we did the countdown together while I was alone in the hotel lobby?
it meant a lot because I believe the way you greet the new year is the way that you will spend it
seems to be coming true so far
Levyeah, but also apparently you were hiding from everyone at the party that had coronavirus
in a way
I had quarantined my heart

porn roast.

guys did you know that there's porn roasts of porn stars
where they watch a pornstar's movies and make fun of them
it's hilarious
Levliiiiiink
Kabiryikes
can I send a pornhub link here
let's see
[pornhub link]
FBI pls don't @ me
AsadThat sounds hilarious
Also is that really why you went to Pornhub?
irrelevant
KabirClassic renn
Goes onto internet because she's vaguely horny
finds comedy instead

hot chip.

Kabirrenn
do you eat hot chip & lie
Levdo you wash you pussy in the sink and charge yo phone
Kabirdo u pop pills, smoke week, lie around, and be bisexual
AsadRenn's the hottest potato there is
I do some of these things
KabirSounds like ur a girl born post-1993
did you guys go on a side adventure without me

guess who stole their bike back, bitchess

guess who stole their bike back, bitchess
AsadAw hell yeah
So badass
Where was it?
the idiot who stole it lives just down the street
it wasn’t even locked to anything
AsadWoowwww
What a genius
Levdid you just get drunk and forget it?
sometimes
astoundingly
i am sober
and good things happen

chill call.

do you guys want to have a chill call later today
Kabirya
LevI'm only down for a high intensity one where we have to vote someone off the island
ok but I'm not liking your chances

cereal.

Got the second part of my sleep
But I swear I woke up because I heard someone eating cereal in the kitchen
Kabirsorry
I was hunger
Asadwhat was the source of the cereal eating noise, Renn?
Do you have a CEREAL KILLER in the house/
Omg I can' believe this is happening, a terrible pun coming to life, its like a dream come true

Y'all wanna play the presentation game?

LevY'all wanna play the presentation game?
yeah I'm down I guess
LevKabir says you're not worth it
bruh Kabir and I reaffirmed our friendship vows
I don't believe you
Kabirrenn I am working on a class project
Good for you
*pat pat pat*
Kabirno but that is why I am not playing
it's not that you're not worth it
just that you're less fun than school

Yesterday evening I spent an hour shopping for the lockdown,

Yesterday evening I spent an hour shopping for the lockdown, got myself enough food to last me arguably throughout the summer
I was all proud of my preparation and not having to go shopping for the next 3 weeks
25 minutes later I was in the supermarket again because I had decided to make a tiramisu

how did you know?

renn named the group masturbation vacation

Levhow did you know?
because honestly, same

sick.

speaking of being sick
did you listen to the SICK song I added to pretty swell
Levrenn
it's nice that you never have to get out of your chair
with how fuckin far you can reach

corona dogs.

Levthere was a memo out
that dogs can't get it
Lev
oh, I thought this was going somewhere
Levno
just wanted to share the good news
well LAAAA DEEEE DAAAAA
GOOD FOR YOU, DOGS
going around
flaunting your health

corona.

Levgirl, you'll end up as the oldest person in the parliament
yes but hopefully I will have had the corona by then
I arrive in costa rica
dripping in corona
give it to all the jaguars
who's endangered now, bitch?
still you

why is it in farenheits

Levwhy is it in farenheits
for american bois to understand
Levdoes japan use freedogrees
FREEDOGREES

choosing a movie.

Levhow about geostorm
it has gerard butler
oh yeeeeeeee
that sounds like some garbage
Levyeah looks like straight trash fire
we can also do fast and furious hobbs and shaw
oh yeah
I saw some tiny snippet of it on the flight to bangkok
and I still almost walked out

retract.

LevI haven't been this let down since the last time someone saw you try to take off a shirt by reverse birthing your arms
just as I retracted into my sweater
so did his pp retract into him
Levand thus did Ceasar spake, "retract unto thee thy own pp"

oof.

Levthat's a bit of an oofie isn't it?
nah not really
Levit dun oofed my heart
it's not such an oof subject for me anymore
Levmy heart still oofs for him dearly
ok, well this is making it a bit oofier
LevI am sorry to have made your day that much oofier

food delivery.

LevI did try to buy you the tea at one point
but it was far away
bruh why does buying a thing have to be so herculean
Levbro leaving the house is a struggle
it's cold and I can get food delivered to my butthole
I just bypass the whole eating phase
just stick the food right in my asshole
I mean, by that logic
just throw food straight in the toilet
Levslow your roll renn
I gotta work up to that level

oldie.

Levno zombeavers today
I have to catch up on work
that's okay
I'll watch some other beaver movie instead
some beaver holocaust drama
Levwhat about a beaver rom com?
I didn't think you'd bea-very nice.
that's the title
it's a stretch
but hey, it's a rom com
it's not a fricken Charlie Kaufmann movie

I asked a couple our girls which is worse

LevI asked a couple our girls which is worse
Long cancer or diabetes
They ran away
Very wiggly
Quigley
Quickly
They were probably running home to change their panties
Cause you got them so wet with your smooth talk

linux.

Levit only works in linux tho
Booo
What is this discrimination
Levit's literally 100x easier to do this in linux
than anything else
But I want the thing
Levswitch to linux I guess
I'm scared that if I switch to linux
I will become too dope
better play it safe
Levyou're right
it's a risk not worth taking
if you put linux on that laptop of yours that you got out of a kinder egg
and run ai on it
we might get skynetted right into the apocalypse
one might even say
we would get skyyeeted

kobe.

Levkobe!
oh wait :c
I had just started saying it
now it's a bummer
Levafter he died a bunch of articles came out
that were like
sure he raped a bit
but he did sure play ball good
*shrug*
yeah I saw those
now people will be saying 'kobe!' in a very different situation
Levlike...during rape
or death?
as you drop the roofie in the girl's glass
kobe!

american.

oh I was deliberately trying to sound like an american idiot
Levwe had two very different reads on that moment
I guess I got the headstart by already being an american idiot
was that one of the things you had to do for your american citizenship
they give you a text in different languages and you gotta americanize it
a-river-der-chee
Levyeah
I took an unconvential approach tho
instead of pronouncing the words american like
I used the paper to start a bbq
and made sausages for the interviewer
it combines two beloved traditions in american culture
meat cookin and bribery
Levthree
burning books too

plants.

Bruh
I feel like I shouldn’t have to say this
But don’t lick your plants
KabirWhat why
They're my plants
They don’t like it
KabirThey love it
Did you get enthusiastic consent?
Kabirno-one:
not even me:
not a single mouse, throughout my house:
my plants: daddy please

don't pretend that you're high society just cause you don't

don't pretend that you're high society just cause you don't stuff sour patch kids in your pants
it is the superior way to consume them
Levyou know as a kid I dreamt of being in the upper crust of society
and here I am
bound by the etiquette of sour patch kid consumption
with the rest of the plebs
I can put in a good word for you
at the bi-monthly Upper Crust meetings
Levpshh
like they'd listen to the maid
no no I get a say
when it's my turn to hold the goat's head
Levwhat are they doing to the goat
no, it's like a decapitated goat's head
like in lord of the flies
but a goat instead of the conch
don't ruin my joke
LevI was trying to steer it towards bestiality
no we're doing literary references
I thought you wanted to be an upper crust person
Levall the books I read are about bestiality
I'm telling you
moby's dick is not the real book

whole foods.

LevYou want something from whole foods?
do they only sell entire foods
I want an entire salmon
LevYes no partial foods
a whole-ass salmon
LevThat's actually what I'm there to get
as a pet or
LevLover
in your heart
you always knew you'd find your soulmate at whole foods
someone to make you
whole
LevBy being in their
Hole

weird mark buddies.

Bruv
I think my scar from the bike crash healed in a weird way
And now I have this cute mole-looking spot that will probably stick around for quite a while
KabirWeird mark buddies
I wonder what it is though
In my case it kinda looks like dried blood, except I can't scrape it off
Same!
My skin is completely smooth at that spot
My bet is that it’s a kind of tattoo-type scar
Where the color of the red dirt we fell on
Went in the scar a bit and stayed there
KabirSo we actually did end up casually getting tattoos in Thailand
True tourists!
what a cool way to get one too
KabirI can't wait to be the hipsterest at all the bars
all the other Thai tattoo people: "Yeah I got my tattoo from a monk who just used a single bamboo needle, was pretty cool, pretty meaningful"
me: "Sorry I only get tattoos from the unholy union of Mother Earth, gravity, and gasoline. Cool monk story tho"

sentient.

If you don’t make at least one robot sentient today
You fired
Levthe problem is they're all already sentient
but they all just want to not do anything
Hahahah lazy fucks
LevI made them too much in my own image
Increase motivation by 13%
Decrease unenthusiastic masturbation in the shower by 47%
Levincreasing 0 by 13% is 0
and decreasing infinity by 47% is still infinity

trash.

Remember when I stayed at your place for like a week and we had cheesesteaks?
Good times
LevI remember us falling asleep to cupcake wars
and seeing the shame in my mother's face when she found us
she needs to know who you truly are
A cupcake wars fan through and through
Levwe could have done so many things renn
we could have gone whale watching
or smelled roses at the arboretum
but we did that
Do you not know who I am as a person
LevI do
but I can dream you know
Oh shut up, you love it
And you love me
For the trash I am
Levyou are wonderful garbage

sour patch kids part threux.

KabirI'll bring...
things
sour patch kids?
Bruh
I’m all set for the rest of the year
Lev sent me a pound of em last week
It's mostly what I have been eating
Even had my workmates try them
Kabiryour friend on the left is kinda cute but also looks like she has a resting heart rate of 170 bpm
like she's ready to bolt from tigers at any given moment
I think she was just afraid of the intestinal damage she was about to inflict on herself

sour patch kids part deux.

I’m getting soft with you
The sour patch kids you sent me must be liquifying my insides
Levdid you bring them with you
has your meditation retreat just been you slowly going insane and giving each sour patch kid a name?
Man I wish I could bring them along
But was afraid I’d get detained by the Thai police for illegal import of toxins
Levthey're just afraid that it'll bring about the fall of their nation to imperialist takeover
as people get addicted
opium wars part 2

Please do not have sex with your barber

Please do not have sex with your barber
It’s already been established that he doesn’t like you
Based on your last haircut
LevHe gave me that haircut
While
We were having sex
“I will make him suffer as much as he’s making me suffer”
Or, or
“I can’t be the only one to hate themselves after this”
LevYou know
These words wouldn't hurt so much
If they weren't the same ones that my girlfriend whispers after we do it
There is nothing as fragile as a man's dongego
Yours maybe
Everything is hurtful when the pp smol

planning.

Levyou excited to not talk for like 3 weeks?
What's the plan for today
ummm
1. Get on plane
2. Continue to hate-watch the live action lion king
3. Down another two mini bottles of red wine
4. Angry sleep over having watched the live action lion king
5. Arrive in Bangkok (hopefully)
6. Take a cab to the meditation center and hope I don’t get rape-napped
LevRape naps sound kinda nice
Like you are forcefully made to relax a little and take a midday nap

new york new years eve.

LevWe followed the trials of an incredibly drunk man trying to get a pizza
KabirThe guy wasn't just drunk
He was also hungry
KabirHe was either on something else or he was a clinical moron
Levas he infringed on the personal space of every human being in the tri-state area
Why did you follow him?
morbid curiosity?
LevWe just happened to be at the same pizza place
How hard can it be to get a pizza if you’re already at the pizza place
KabirDifficult if you've been caught trying to brazenly just steal boxes of pizza
LevApparently it can be sisyphean
Did he manage at the end
Kabirjust barely
LevWhen he finally got the pizza he took a bite and immediately spit it out
In front of the woman whose drink he had just knocked over

My parents say they miss you too

My parents say they miss you too
And that they love you and wait for you to visit
LevWere they being sarcastic?
No, my mom is as adorably genuine
For some reason they love you
Levit's cause they see me as the daughter they never had
My dick is indeed bigger than yours
LevWe both lose on this one

mice.

Did your mom inject the mice
Are they ok
LevI think she injected then with cancer
So if they were ok
They're not ok now
Your mom is terrible at giving Christmas gifts

He told me you gave him a really good idea about a podcast t

He told me you gave him a really good idea about a podcast two years ago
That he’s apparently still thinking about
He showed me a note he made on his phone in January 2018
Apparently after you inspired him
LevI am truly inspirational
Ok chill out bruv
“You should start a podcast” is far from groundbreaking advice
LevI bring food to the starving
I invented thought itself
We need to bring your ego down a bit
Sometimes I say things without thinking about how far up your own ass you will travel
LevYou think I spent all that time building roads and rail infrastructure in there
So that I wouldn't be able to take a day trip on a moment's notice?
Yeah but you’ve got such lax visa requirements
That anyone can join come in
There's garbage everywhere
LevI encourage immigration
It's good for the economy
Just try to draw a line at the methheads in the Wendy’s parking lot
LevAs long as they're willing to stroke my
ego

fish wish.

What was the bio bay like
LevPretty magical
You could see fish darting about
Glowing under the water
Damn that’s some fairytale shit
Did you make a wish
Upon a fish
LevNo they didn't speak English
Now you’ll never get a custom toilet you can neck-lean on
LevDon't you worry
Japan still exists

dumbo.

Levbut who in their right mind gives a tiny plush elephant as a promotional item for condoms
Right?
But how could I make up this stuff
Kabirrenn I already explained why the elephant makes perfect sense
it's a dumbo to accompany yo jumbo dong. classic brand strategy
I try not to think about it too much
KabirDo you know how they would greet your dad in subsaharan Africa?
"Djambo, jumbo dumbo."
Do you know how they would greet him before offering him a classic Cajun meal?
Lev"sir this is a family restaurant please put your giant dick away"
Kabir"Jambo, jumbo dumbo. Gumbo?"
I have like 50 of these lined up

bibimbap.

Levactually I'll probably end up going to food :c
hope it’s werth it bruh
Levprolly noy
t
Our language skills are really deteriorating here
Levwhatabup bibimbap
I hope you’ll have bibimbap
LevI'm not a particularly big fan of it
I just want to say the name
but it sounds gross
Bibimbapsolutely gross

mr worldwide.

LevI'd be particularly down for africa
I want to see some giraffes and shit
they got giraffes there?
I mean a couple maybe
I can ask for their inventory
I would personally like to go to Malaysia/Indonesia/Philippines
They have cool caves and beaches and waterfalls
LevI am down for that too
Love the enthusiasm
One trip to Mexico and you're suddenly Mr Worldwide
Levbro, I've always been mr worldwide
too lazy to get up worldwide
is there a less spicy version of this dish worldwide

stud.

so you were wearing it the first time I met you
Levno
that night I had a hitchhiker's guide costume
aka a towel
0.1% effort
Levyou know, all the people I have sex with give me that nickname
you a stud
0.1% stud
Levthat's also what they tell me when they friendzone me
0.1% stud
99.9% bud

I can log into his Steam account and you can play on mine

LevI can log into his Steam account and you can play on mine
ok I'm in
hacked ya
LevGottem
oh my god bro
you have a problem
LevShhhhhhh
Games are the most cost-effective entertainment
books
LevNah
the three body problem was 11 bucks
I've been reading it for 5 months

Why are you doing this

LevWhy are you doing this
cause you hate it
LevWhen did our friendship become like this
was it ever anything else
I don't remember
I'm sure that at some point we were normal with each other
maybe the first two weeks

redhead.

I'm the last redheaded russian standing
Levwas she redheaded?
I thought she was blonde
also, are you not a fake redhead
Shhhh
Nobody has to know
Is anybody a real anything anyways
Levyou're a real jackass is what
I'm a real piece of work
Artwork

kiting.

How was your kiting thing
Levkiting was fun
I took a spill
so now I have to spend every morning latherin myself in neosporin
But what a story to tell huh?
"Oh man, those are some badass scars, what happened?"
"Kites happened"
LevFought the wind
The wind won

decent computer.

Levget a decent computer yo
are you gays playing
I'll get it soon
And we will kill dinosaurs
Levyes
yes and then tame them
Do you get to ride them also
Or make them do tricks
Levyou do get to ride them and make them do tricks
like kill other people
Meanwhile, on my laptop
I get a four-minute freeze because I zoomed in on Google Maps too fast

the disadvantage of us videochatting

the disadvantage of us videochatting
besides me having to look at your face
is that I can't get extracts for puntimes
I could transcribe something
but that might be too gay even for me
LevI dunno
Youre pretty gay
I'm a gay man trapped in a woman's body
Levpilot her like she's a transformer
I've been doing that for 28 years
trying to fold myself into a mazda
although maybe a trash can is much more on-brand for me

so what we're going to do is manually create a quiplash epis

Levso what we're going to do is manually create a quiplash episode
and see what requests it's making
and then we can make those same requests
but wait
is there a website version of quiplash
I thought it was installed and running locally
Levyes, but when you play it you go to jackbox.tv
and interact with it from there
so we're lucky
and they do the same for allowing you to create episodes
if they'd made you do it from inside their program itself we would have to do a lot more work and use a packet sniffer like wireshark to try and see what packets they're sending
and to where
heheh
packet sniffer
Levrenn we're doing serious work here get it together

shower with your dad.

you can send me a review of this when you play a bit
LevI'm going to have to wait until I can play it coop with my dad
ok so he can give me his
when we are in the shower
LevIt's shower with your dad
Not a dad
a but I was trying to imply that I'm sleeping with your dad
...and then showering with him
LevYah I got that
Was trying to swerve the implication away from that unfavorable image
yes I knew you were doing that
so I spelled it out for you
so there would be no escape
LevJust like the showers with my dad :(

refinance.

LevYou have a problem renn
You're paying too much on your mortgage, call now to refinance to save up to 15%
Hello can I please talk to the mortgage man please
LevThis is the mortgage man it says here in my records that you don't own a house why the fuck are you calling
I heard you can give me 15% of free money finance
LevThat's not how refinancing works you financially illiterate pleb, i can see now why you can't afford a house
ples give free money
i need
LevOk I can send 3 dollars

moussaka.

I had the best moussaka I've ever had
LevWas it made by your fancy greek friends?
ya
oh my god lev it was so good
and the people were indeed fancy
occasionally I felt like I was also maybe fancy by proxy
but then I remembered that less than 24 hours ago I was trying to throw up bag wine

bus stop.

Tinder makes me feel gross
Everything about it is unnatural and uncomfortable for me
I'd rather go to the bus stop down the street and just chat someone up
Levthe bus
We'd be very happy together
He'd satisfy my constant need to travel
LevAnd can actually handle you being on top
Structurally
Eh, we'll have to see
LevThey don't build them like they used to

driers.

LevI do have a thing for driers
they are sexy beasts
LevThose spinny hot air sluts
oh
in my head, the dryer has a masculine energy
Lev1. Dudes can be sluts too
2. A drier is literally a cavernous opening you insert things into
1. dudes have holes too
2. there's plenty of women in real life who are enjoying dryers
LevTouché
...
Yeah I don't have a solid comeback
Point conceded
I'm gay for driers

rooftop party.

Just take me to one rooftop party
And I'll take it from there
Levthere are no rooftop parties :c
it's a garbage place
Ummm what about basement parties
Levwhat's popular is "lets have a bbq at the bbq installation in my housing complex"
I like it
That's just a rooftop party on the ground

chauffeur.

We will do a roadtrip, promise
You and me
Hopefully someone who can drive
South of Spain
Levit's not quite the same when you have to hire a chauffeur
takes the rough and tumble aspect out of it a bit
Ok then
I will drive
Levthat's too much rough and tumble

seattle.

and then you're flying in from LA I imagine
LevSeattle
You think you know me birch?
Nooo Seattle booo
LevI'm not sure its Seattle's fault
I don't know
Seattle is dodgy
LevYeh
All that rain and...seafood
And what is that space Needle for?
They want to get all them aliens
LevAnd what's up with them being so close to Canada and not being Canadians?
What are they playing at

scones.

LevThat sounds awful
Sour patch kid scones?
Well I won't eat them together
Today is scone day
Tomorrow
Who knows
LevSometimes I envy your life
Today it's pity tho

ramen waiters.

LevI've been going to the same ramen shop for three years cause the waiter said I had nice hair
They got you good
LevThey got me real good
We got real good ramen here
But I cannot guarantee our waiters will compliment you on your hair
They have eyes

plane worm.

Oh, are you on the plane already?
LevYep
Ok go fly like a bird in the sky
LevId rather the plane cover that bit
Hahaha
LevI'll do it like a freshly eaten worm
In economy minus stomach seating
It's just a fancy name for the rectum

ominous positivity.

The sad part is that it's gonna get increasingly difficult to sneak it in the clips I send you
LevI look forward to the attempts
Good
There will be many
You will beg me to stop
But I won't
I'll never stop
You can't escape my friendly videos
LevLike a personal Mr Rogers
But with ominous positivity
You will be fine. You have no choice.
Happiness is coming.
It is inevitable.

Dude don't send me sour patch kids, they're expensive as fuc

Dude don't send me sour patch kids, they're expensive as fuck to send probaby
That's sweet though
Unlike the sour patch kids
Which are sour
LevIm not sending them
I needed your address for other reasons
Don't send me clown hookers
I may fall in love
LevIs that not a thing good

lev-man.

LevThere's so much traction my ass has fused to the bed
Even if you get the rest of me off
You will sleep on a hybrid bed of my ass cells
meh
I've slept on our shitty brothel couch in the loft
I'll just put a towel on
LevDamn
My plan is in ruins
Unless I fuse my ass with all the towels
you've chosen a weird superpower
LevIt's the only one you didn't have to work hard for
That was my original supedpower
Lack of motivation
"Lev-man, this gorilla is destroying the city!"
"I've been sitting on the edge of my bed in a towel for 45 minutes"

it would be at least the four of us, with hopefully one more

it would be at least the four of us, with hopefully one more
in which case we fit into a car
in which case we do a roadtrip
aka my dream
LevOh shit bro
I was imagining like 15 people
Convoys and shit
Starting a new town and waging war on the woman and children of our enemies
I literally have 8 friends

hitler.

yeah but why would she kill her own mother tho
there must be some reason
Levmaybe she's Hitler
literal Hitler
Levclitoral Hitler

gremlins 2.

Levis that gremlins 2 again?
you have a problem
everything about gremlins 2 is the opposite of a problem

swag.

yeah I got that SWAG
s -
w -
a - anxiety
g -
Levit's
s - anxiety
w -
a -
g
Ah fuck that's actually better
Lev I hate you
It's so much funnier because you can use the a for anxiety but you still choose to put it on the s
That's so funny
Ok, back to suffering

book club.

I'm still not done with the three-body problem
Why you read so fast
You are out of my book club
Levgirl at this rate it's more like a page club

sick.

God, I'm so sick
Somebody pamper meeeee
Also my voice is fucked up so when I'm laughing at memes, it sounds like I'm wailing
LevYou finally sound like you look
It's good that my neighbor is moving out
The embarrassing things she overhears were starting to pile up
LevAll that deafening lack of sex

may I introduce you my three sons

may I introduce you my three sons
tomward
tedward
and breadward
...suddenly calev and ryden seem downright banal
LevI dunno
ryden is still pretty fucking awful
that we can agree on
what is it even supposed to mean?
names usually mean things
Levit means "my mom's name is karen"
that's so true
Levmore like
karenn
twas a cruel fate
I asked the Devil for wit that could defeat the greatest karenn
little did I know
that I was she

skin suit.

LevWhat's he up to
he's married now :(
to a robotics engineer
Levno shit
is it me?
you motherfucker
LevHer company does very similar shit to mine
I bet I could get a job there
Eat her and wear her body as a suit
And replace her in his life
Their office is also nearby
When you finally get to make love to jgl
Savour every moment
And then love him as deeply as I would have
LevI will take it for granted
Since I love him not from my own heart
But out of spite for you
oh, actually that's even better
Cause you will still be wearing his wife's skin suit
You'll make him fall out of love with her/you
And that's when Renn will slide into his dms

scary house

Did you go in a scary house
LevI did not
bro you gotta
Levit's closed
The fuck is it closed for
Are the ghosts on holiday
LevIt's middle of summer
Least scary

names.

LevGive me your opinion on these two names
Calev
Ryden
Ugh
How about Tedward
Or Billiam
LevYou are unhelpful
I need some context
Both of these names will make some child very miserable in middle school
But also both of them are perfect for the love interest in the next Barbie movie
Levone is clearly better tho
I like Calev
Because it's almost normal
But... not
Just
Like
TEDWARD

Why are you so mean to me

Why are you so mean to me
Is it because I called you out on your cuteness before
LevI need to project a gruff outer shell
Because I never emotionally matured
That’s where I come in
With endless affection
And no shame
LevPlease put your pants back on, this is a kindergarten
What are you doing in a kindergarten
Let’s both just leave
LevThis is where I take classes
Yeah, potty training is a tricky business
Need to take APs on that
LevMy teacher said I have a college pooping level
Chemical toilet accidents are not college pooping level
LevTell that to the sulfur burns on my ass
Your ass and I are not on speaking terms

what was the thing about using a specific unit as a measure

what was the thing about using a specific unit as a measure of detachment from reality
ughhhh, it's gonna bug the hell outta me
Levhttp://cuiltheory.wikidot.com/what-is-cuil-theory
YES THANK YOU
I love that theory
LevI can tell
because you preferring the new reddit theme
is completely detached from reality
oh god let it go
can't we differ in opinion from time to time
we agree with each other too much
it's not healthy
Levyeah you're right
noOOOooOOoOOo

renn's bum.

Levyeah, I'm gonna need help getting my shit over to Europe, can you fly over to the states and smuggle some stuff?
how strong is your intestinal lining?
Not strong enough for this shit
And also I guarantee you that whatever you finna tryina import from the states
Ours is better
Levsour patch kids
school shootings
I can’t put that in my bum man
Levthe sour patch kids or the school shooting?
cause I think you can manage both
you just need to a squeeze an entire high school class in there
I'm sure you've managed before
I’m more worried about the sour patch kids to be honest
The kinds of chemicals that go into them
My body cannot handle
Not through that end of the digestive system anyways
Levyou know it goes out that end eventually?
Yeah but my amazing body processes it
In through Renn’s mouth, out through Renn’s bum
Like God intended

queer eye.

I’m watching queer eye
So they spend a week with a straight man
One gives him a cute haircut
One gets him new skinny jeans
One teaches him to make guacamole
AND ONE RENOVATES AND DECORATES HIS ENTIRE TWO STORY HOUSE WHAT THE FUCK
LevThe gays are an industrious peoples
The devil works fast
But Bobby from queer eye works faster

camels.

I took a test that said I’m worth 66 camels
LevWhere can I take this test
I want to be more camels than you
You won't be
https://kamelrechner.eu/en
Lev59 camels
as a boy
I figure that's pretty good
Pshhhh
You just some common 59-camel bitch
You gotta raise your value a bit
What can you do to be worth more?
LevI don't even know
I figured the 193cm would be all I needed
Did they ask for penis size
For the girl version, they asked for boob size
LevYeah, that's what the 193cm was
OOOOOOOOH
FUCK IT UPPPPPP

belgian fest.

LevDid mirror bra pull through?
not that kind of festival
no mirror bra yet
Levwhat kind of festival is it?
Belgian folk
Like their version of Octoberfest
Levwhere everyone drinks hot chocolate and big breasted women wheel around cylinders of fudge?
Well I missed the fudge part
And it July man
What hot chocolate
Levcold chocolate then I guess
nesquik
Ew
We had beer
How do you think nesquik before you think beer for Octoberfest
Levcause it's belgian oktoberfest
so it's going to be either chocolate or war crimes
N E S Q U I K

pope.

LevWhy are you doing a lotr marathon
Is there a special occasion
I don’t know, saw it on Netflix
Maybe I should have waited for a special occasion tbh
But whatever, yolo
LevLike what
The pope visiting
Hahaha
The pope and I
Discussing which hobbit is the hottest
LevI bet the pope knows frodos goddamn name
:c
It just slipped my mind for a bit
Sorry I’m not a nerd like you
Or the pope

not sure that's gonna make my jokes funnier, best I can hope

Levnot sure that's gonna make my jokes funnier, best I can hope for is pity fondness from how empathetic it makes you
Just try to use one syllable words
Levyou have good time, me make bad joke, you smile because ecstasy make bad joke endearing
I didn't know a one syllable version of endearing
cute?
Levwhat now you think you know english better than me?
just cause you know words?
Yes, I know the word cute
Truly a genius linguist
Levthat and the fact that you know like 5 languages
7 biiiiiiiiitch

visit.

When are we gonna play don’t staaarve
Levwhen you come visit
Don’t hold that over my head like a carrot
It doesn’t require my physical presence
That’s the whole point
Levhow else am I going to condescendingly chide your in game decisions
Wow
This visit sounds lovely
Levhey, all my yelp reviews are raving
"Lev provided a mildly offensive but bearable time"
"Lev is a human being"
"Lev is literally not Hitler"
Who has been providing them
Levmostly my mom :c
:c

gen z.

What is San Jose syndrome
Levit's just depression
oof
Levbig oofie yikes from me dawg
is that gen z enough for you?
oofs be like *oof noises*

feet fingers.

Levhave we ever played 21?
by far my favourite drinking game
you try to count to 21 as a group
but every time you get to 21 you have to make a new rule
Man I can’t even play that game sober
Levyeah I guess it assumes you can count to 21
but you run out of fingers after 10
play with flip flops
gives you another 10
Even if I use my feet fingers it’s not enough
Levdon't call them that
What, feet fingers?
But that’s what they are
Levshut your face butthole

quiche.

it’s still 11
I’m leaving in an hour
Gotta make a quiche for the pre-party
LevI'm so fucking confused by your life
you go to a party every night
but you pregame a music festival with a quiche
What’s confusing about that
I party with people who love quiche

I can't get wild doing fun stuff

LevI can't get wild doing fun stuff
I can at least get wild being slightly negligent at work
so what does getting wild look like then
facebook chatting with your best friend during work hours?
LevI know this is a trick to get me to call you my best friend
But I'll allow it
Yeah
it was!
and you did
no take backs
LevNah, I think I've accepted it as an unfortunate fact of life
aww
get you a best friend who has given up on finding a better best friend

hobbits.

LevI've been having a recurring dream where I ask you what's up and you tell me you casually hooked up with one of the hobbits in lord of the rings
if only
wait, which hobbit did I sleep with?
Levmeriadoc
man, I don't even get to sleep with the important ones
ahhhh ok
I think meriadoc is the hottest
it goes
1. meriandoc
2. the super main one
3. sam
4. the woman that sam ended up with
5. the main one's uncle
6. pippin
Levhow the fuck you gonna remember meriadoc but not frodo?

What’s your favorite type of cake

What’s your favorite type of cake
Levdon't start this shit with me renn
cheesecake tho
My favorite type of cake is birthday cake
Levrenn you're an idiot

sexual liberation.

You were meant for the European lifestyle
Levand the european sexual liberation
all that leather and metal
I just want to fuck a punk cow
America doesn’t have punk cows?
Levnah
they're regular cows
because we don't sexualize bovines in this here country
You’re missing outttt
This is what fomo feels like, Lev
We’re having fun here
Levtell them about the cow fucking
they'll enjoy it
"that piece of meat you eating?"
"I fucked it"
I think you have a skewed perception of people’s conversation preferences
We discussed types of cake
Levmaybe europe isn't the liberal mecca I was imagining
Well
The cake discussion was immediately after the huge international and interracial orgy we had
Alls I’m saying is that you gotta have some cake facts ready before you move here
Levfucking traditions

levon

levon
Levthat is me
ok, just checking
bye
LevBut is it you?
I do not have time for this lev
I have to go now
goodbye

I do lovingly refer to you as my toilet friend

I do lovingly refer to you as my toilet friend
LevOh
Lev is fine
Bit easier to say
nah
too many things are called Lev
too confusing
LevIt's mostly just me and trotsky
And one of us is dead
and the other is just dead inside
LevI have a full rich inner life
full of what
LevDead stuff

show off.

Levyou know anyone in montreal?
um
Maybe
I’ll have to ask around
You visiting there soon?
Levon friday
last minute
Funnn
I’ll ask
Though it would probably be friends of friends
LevI actually don't care about your friends
I just wanted to show off
I knew that
I wasn’t gonna ask around

montreal.

is the canadian utopia everything you dreamt it would be
Levit's kinda like if you squinted really hard at philly and read it in french
except there's less black people and more asians
that sounds like an amazing place
truly the best of all worlds
except i’d miss black peoples i guess
why is montreal so racist
Levwhy are you so racist
black people are not your plaything to miss
montreal recognized that
and as a sign of wokeness
banned black people from the city
they’re so deep into not-racism that they brought back segregation

biodome.

Send photos from Montreal
And the night club you will go to
LevGonna go to the biodome
Get down with some plants
Is that a place where Americans fight to the death for a Canadian citizenship
LevNo
That's the freedome

meme predictions.

bepises
haven't we had an amazing year of memes
we had
moths
they did surgery on a grape
yobama
you now have to make predictions about what idiotic thing the internet will become obsessed with
here are my picks
1. the sound of a vacuum starting up
2. pronouncing the word tenis like penis but with a t
3. using the shrimp emoji to replace racial slurs

bikes.

lev why are you adding so many bike-related songs to the playlist
are u ok
KabirHe's subtly trying to come out the closet
he's
bike curious

Ok, I gotta go get ready

Ok, I gotta go get ready
I didn’t pack last night
So I gotta hurry
LevBruh
You said you were packing last night
You would lie to me like that?
I’m a piece of shit okay
I say things
And then I do other things instead
LevLike when you said you were going to get cigarettes
And instead you abandoned your children

lonesome night.

So I’m assuming there will be no centipeding tonight
LevI will definitely be in a plane
I am having a lonesome evening in my studio
LevYou should learn a new skill
Like empathy
I was experiencing a lot of empathy for those fuckers sucking on each others butts
why won't you let me feel that again
LevJesus Christ
I can recommend a few videos I guess
And subreddits
r/ultimatebuttsuck
what's the name of the consensual hentai one
LevConsentacles
Truly a lonely night at the studio, eh?
don't judge me

Lev

Lev
stop
why are you okay with who you are
LevThis friendship is only 7 years old, but this neckbeard is the child of many millennia

human centipede.

bruh
my flight is delayed by two hours
that’s like one Human Centipede movie
Levand you are like one human centipede person
I have always said that I am essentially three kids in a trench coat
I just never specified how they are connected

couples costume.

lev I'm looking for stuff to be a moth today
I'm counting on you to be a lamp
so I don't look ridiculous
LevBut I'm not going to any parties until Friday
I will be lamp on Friday
damnit
I can only be moth tonight
I just need my leather pants
LevThose fucking leather pants
ah yes
my trusty leather pants
trustee?
Levugly
oh shut up you love them

yelp reviews.

but I like to think I literally fucked their brains away
I’m very good
Levhave you been reading your yelp reviews again?
you always get big headed after you do that
but you pay an ad agency to write good reviews for you
ain’t no yelp for my services friendo
only word of mouth
LevThis aint the 80s
You can't run a business off of word out mouth and cocaine anymore
Gotta do that digital advertising
All I’m saying is
Did you need advertising to know that Led Zeppelin or sushi was good
LevThe only thing you and sushi have in common is the taste of tuna

traction part deux.

this is the right way up
...because of the traction
but i was wrong the first time
the traction should be between the mattress and the sheet
so you don't slip away
LevThat makes a lot more sense
I have a lot of dreams where im a tuna
And have to escape my loveless marriage and unwanted children
and you want to... slip away from that life?
Levyes
how is it relevant that you're a tuna

salmon.

I wish I was a salmon
They mate for life
LevThey fuck and then they die, renn
Its not the same connotation
Don’t we all
LevSome of us die without fucking

lesbian camp.

LevYour friend is cute tho
Yeah she’s the best
LevMaybe date her instead of the cats?
We’re both tragically very straight
what can you do
LevLike the reverse of those camps that give you electroshock to make you gay
Lesbian camp
I think it’s enough to just live in Europe

Leeeev

Leeeev
Levooon
This is a drunk text
LevHello drunk text
This is soon to be drunk text
Oh my god are we synching
High five
LevWell not yet
But I am on my period

jokes.

Writing jokes is actually so difficult
Fuck
I’m trying to stay away from jokes about me being a woman
Turns out there’s nothing else interesting about me
LevHey now
you being a woman is also not interesting

conference.

Leeeev
get me out of this conference
I don’t want to network with people
I just want to enjoy my continental breakfast and read my book
LevI was going to pretend to be one of the people networking with you
please don't
Levi don't know what that sounds like
You ask me who I work for before you ask me what my name is
Levwho is your overlord, nameless one?
I shall be nameless no longer
Behold, my nametag

WHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS WORLD

LevWHAT ARE THE RULES OF THIS WORLD
ok
human-looking aquapeople can't breather air
lizard aquapeople can do whatever
peaceful looking but still creepy aquapeople are useless and thus irrelevant
Levlooks like a vagina made out of squids
me when I'm on my period
Levgross
yeah it's not pretty

they need to make it wet

Levthey need to make it wet
is she going to dehydrate him
that seems like a not good relationship
dehydration is the number one cause of headaches
I'm surprised that she had to use his sweat
when there's clearly more liquid in her panties

thatsabingo.

whoa, here come the biker gang
why are they always so fat and so hostile and confident
OH MAN EXPECTATIONS SUBVERTED
THATSA BINGO
LevTROPE REVERSAL
THARTSERBINGER

stick

uh oh
now he got two stick instead of one
LevI feel like that's a good thing
twice as many stick
stick win everytim

lazar.

I always thought I'd like to name my kid Lazar
which is a cool bulgarian name
Leveveryone will think you were edgy and also didn't know how to spell laser
hahah oh nooo
ok, well at least I don't have a kid yet
that I know of
LevI would hope you'd notice
but it's such a high traffic area I'm not sure you'd even realize something was outbound on the inbound lane

aquaman.

LevI like that everyone except the one guy has a tight ponytail
to save on animation costs
hahahaha
also no women
atlantis has more issues than war to work through
Levincredible sexual frustration leading to endemic dolphin rape

boring dystopia.

bro I hate reddit sometimes
I uploaded something to a subreddit like 2 months ago
I was so proud that I found it
got downvoted and ridiculed in the comments
and today I see literally the same thing
1.1k upvotes
what the hell
Levwhat was the thing
https://www.reddit.com/r/ABoringDystopia/comments/aq50hb/oops/
I pass by that building on the way to work
and I posted it
and people just said "it is literally just a joke"
I felt so stupid
LevI want to see the post where they shit on you
I deleted it out of shame
LevOh nooo
That's a pretty solid boring dystopia tho
right??
those idiots
couldn't see a good post if it sat on their butts

Come onnn

Come onnn
move to Belgiummmmm
I’ll have a friend group ready for you
It’ll be so good
LevThat is enticing
Prepackaged friends
Forgot to mention
The friend group
Is me

swoon.

LevIm very down for Aquaman
Looks ass
And also that main actor is a snack
So we make fun of it but I will also swoon
LevAnd I like dolphins
So I'll also swoon
For those smooth sexy water sausages

welcome to the toilet.

[toilet emoji]
Levrating?
3/5 would not poop
no lock and the door is like 2 meters away from the toilet
no way to block unwelcome visitors
LevBe more welcoming
Hello, welcome to the toilet
LevHow may I help you tonight
Ae need this poop out me butt

oh no.

let me know when you're home safe
KabirRenn oh no
My plane
has no wings!
oh no
that's like
the thing that makes it go whoosh

cool friends.

KabirAlso how do you not have cool friends over there? Who're we partying with
They better all be cool, Renn
hey're all very cool
but my standards are incredibly high
and they just never manage to rise to your levels
but they are a fun crowd
KabirI am flattered
And reassured
you react to my bursts of affection much better than lev
he usually responds by informing me that he is on a toilet

sock friend.

Levyeah they just delayed my flight for a fourth time
I’m sorry
That sucks
Also because I’m going to sleep now
So I can’t keep you company
LevIt's cool
I glued some buttons to my socks
When I wiggle my toes its a pretty good simulation of talking to you
awww
buttons on socks to replace me
sounds like an adorable concept
LevI have been traveling 2 days on 4 planes
My socks are anything but cute right now

normal people.

fuck you
like it or not, I'm seeing you on new years
even if you don't see me
I will be there
in the bushes
Levthis is why they didn't give you the visa
ah fuck
I won't be in the bushes
I will be in a place where normal people hang out
like a sidewalk
or an ikea

jamon.

LevThese savages
Stamped my passport
In between pages
It’s like they are asking you to leave the country
Leave now
While you’re still at the airport
LevThey also said
Show me your ham sir
And then took my jamon
Did they literally say that
LevYes
Literally
Show me your ham sir
“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”

haircut.

LevI got a haircut
I now look like a Ukrainian club proprietor
You don’t look ukranian
LevBelorussian?
Face says Israeli
Jacket says Bulgarian
Girls say no

day 29:

day 29:
the winds have changed
the leaves in the trees have darkened
the cold has hardened
and
i
am
still
using
your
toothbrush

can you get me something from armenia

can you get me something from armenia
and throw it out your airplane window when you're flying over Belgium?
LevNo
Because Belgium is not even a little on the way
if it's meant to be
the winds shall blow it over to me
LevIf its meant to be they can blow over from before the plane

if you ever feel like you don't have your shit together

if you ever feel like you don't have your shit together
just remember that it's been 2 weeks and I am still using the hotel toothbrush you gave me as my regular toothbrush
LevWhy
old one fell in the toilet

diggity.

what do you say when you like something
Levme or italians?
cause I say "diggety"
if it's warm outside I'll say "hot diggety"
if it displeases me I say "no diggity"
there's two things I know in life
there's diggity
and there's no diggity
Levand I'm all out of diggity

moth memes.

can you please
explain fukken moth memes to me
my brother has been sending them to me
I don't get them
LevBruh
I think we missed it
We were in Spain
And we missed them
genuinely
aren't we living in a wonderful world
LevI think so
for a full week
the internet was obsessed with moths
for no reason
LevNot even a week
Like three days
what a time to be alive
LevGenuinely yes
I love people

have you played this drinking game

have you played this drinking game
It’s the best for getting completely fucked in half an hour
LevI thought most people just needed 5 bucks and your home address
Yes if the 5 bucks are for the Uber over
Cause what follows will be priceless

burn.

LevSome of these comebacks have been pretty ace
Admit it
They are
I can’t handle the burn
So I’m drinking away the pain
LevI think that's the stds again
Hahaha stop itttttt
LevBOOM
ALL THE WAY
UP TOP
IN THE SKY
MICHELIN STAR FLAVOR
MICHELIN TIRE TRACTION

iceberg.

first movie I ever saw in the cinema was titanic
so
LevExplains a lot about your romantic life
In that it's a catastrophic failure
And you're an iceberg in bed
I'm an iceberg in that I will DEMOLISH you and people will still talk about me in 100 years
LevYou're an iceberg in that your tinder photo hides 90% of your weight

sex chart.

I'll get you a better sex chart
oops that was a typo I swear
I meant birth chart
freudian slip
LevMy sex chart section wasn't particularly exciting either
For the man that discovered the consensual tentacle sex subreddit
well there were 16 more pages
we'll have to get into more detail next time
LevOf sex chart?
well, all chart
LevOh
Jesus
I imagine there's more sex stuff also
LevI don't think I have sixteen pages worth of personality
I don't know
there's a million ways to say consenticles

buttsun.

Kabircoffee? no thanks.
I receive all the energy I need by charging my butthole in the sunlight
Asadhahahahahahahahahahha
Don't want my butt to get tanned though
KabirDo not abandon your Anus in the Dark, Asad
what the fuck is this chat anymore
KabirYou sound cranky
Didn't get enough buttsun this morning?
AsadRenn refers to her butt as Capri
So she can go around asking everyone for a CapriSun without judgement
But we're judging you
no I say ButtSun
asking for a CapriSun somehow sounds more embarrassing

birth chart.

"Librans are known for comparing and thinking in relative terms, instead of in absolutes. This weekend is not just a good weekend, it's better than last weekend"
I always thought you said that because you were a whiny bitch
and nothing ever satisfies you
LevThat's cause you've never offered a satisfactory time
I offer what you pay me for
not much I could do for you for 75 cents and a half eaten tuna sandwich
LevActually can I keep the sandwich
hhahaha
no

traditional values.

LevI have started becoming more of a traditionalist in my old age to be honest
in what way
LevLike I want to bring back the Roman sex festivals
and the puke rooms
LevThose werent real
yeah i know :/
but a girl can dream
LevVomitoriums were essentially just lobbies
Fun fact tho
The one true vomitorium
Is your face

instagram.

Levlook
More things you missed out on
It’s okay
I will save these and post them on my Instagram
It’s literally as if I was there
LevFor all of your no followers
Bitch I just broke 200
You’re irrelevant
#BuenosDias
Lev#SandyPlace
#SandyDreams
#200FollowersButABitchAintOne

I am free only tonight and wednesday

I am free only tonight and wednesday
LevMore pool parties?
not during the week at least
I got French class, drinks, I'm having some people for aperitivo
LevYe bougie bitch

youtube channel.

Love exploring new cultures
We should have a YouTube channel
Where we road trip around the world
And review public bathrooms in the way
LevThis one's got a massive fucking moth
And also low water pressure
Entry one done
Nooo it doesn’t count
We need to do it together
To have a big enough sample of reviews
So that the verdict is more accurate
LevHow many samples of big ass moth do you need before it is in fact a big ass moth

traction.

Levhow do you know which side of an airbed is the top?
um
are they different?
like is one slippery and the other not?
Levyes
one side is lumpy
and the other one smooth
probably the lumpy part goes on the floor
for traction
Levthe fuck you talking about, traction
it rests on the floor
it's not a mountain goat
hahaha
I don't know
Levit's not doing the monte carlo f1
it's not sowing seeds on a 20 hectare farm

harvest.

why are you still awake
Levgoing to the airport
omg same
well
not the airport part
but I'm also going places
right now
and in life
Levwhere
festival
Levmusic?
harvest
Levwhat are you harvesting
I'm harvesting the willpower to tolerate you
there was no yield

Creepy

Creepy, panel 1
LevCreepy
Why is your friendship always creepy
Can’t it for once be supportive
Or, at least, jovial
It’s like when your cat brings you dead mice
Like, yeah, it’s a sign of affection
But a poem would have been more than enough
You want me to write you a poem about our friendship?
Levyeah
ok

waitress.

Levyou were a waitress?
You seem Ill-suited to it
I spoke fluent German and English and Russian
And I was a cute innocent 16 yr old girl
They loved that
LevThey didn't know about the whoring
Are you kidding
They put that on my name tag
"Renn"
"Waitress, will also whore"
I also did it again when I was 23
LevThe waitressing or whoring?
I am never not whoring

ramen.

but I'm a sucker for burgers
Levwe make a good team
cause I hate burgers
How is that possible
What do you eat
What else is there
Levramen
mostly
but like the fancy kind
with a little bit of effort they can be really good
you buy the 50 cent packets
put them in the microwave
and here's the fancy part
just pour in a shitton more salt
tasty and nutritious!

nipple clamps.

LevI'd rather spend that time getting stuff for NYE and ganfing
KabirWhat stuff
Levbooze, food
cards
nipple clamps
bandaids
KabirI already have nipple clamps
LevI don't want your cheap ass nipple clamps we're not in college anymore
I want a decent bronze set
KabirI have income now b, I upgraded
copper
Levcopper's too conductive
more pain than pleasure
Kabircopper's just conductive enough
; )
If I have to wake up to your nipple clamp talk one more goddamn time

neo outfit.

Is anyone bringing a nice camera
Cause I got some fire outfits that I need to be remembered in
KabirHahaha
Aw man we're going to be ~recording things? All of my clothes make me look like Neo when he just wakes up from the matrix
That sounds quite on point
And anyways mostly you’ll be feeling like he did then
With no idea where you are and how to use your muscles again

my character is named Dongman of Bonetown

Levmy character is named Dongman of Bonetown
Dongman of Bonetown is a great name
Is he a very well endowed orc
Levno
it's all ironic
he's an elf with premature ejaculation issues
based on someone I know
who is me
Even in a fantasy land you cannot escape your inadequacies
LevI choose to own them
both in fantasy and reality
Maybe ejaculating on a thing prematurely
Will come in handy in this game
Also, an actual handy
LevI should have called him handyman of bonetown

lumineers.

LevHave you heard of the unreleased song by the lumineers
I don't really like them but that song is really good
Hahah it’s literally called unreleased new song
LevYes
I think they decided to not release it cause it's actually good
And would ruin their reputation

dnd.

LevWe're about to play dnd
I want to play too :(
Levwe rolled a character for you
it's an inanimate dildo
Does it have extra dexerity
I need dem points for my strategy
Levit has 2x the dexterity of a regular dildo
so still 0
Hahaha
I’ll take it
LevHas there ever been a dildo you didn't say that to

something fun.

Levyou want to know something fun
always
Levthe entire time we've been having this conversation
no
LevI have been
no
stop
Levnot on the toilet
for once
phew
Levbut really it's just the exception that proves the rule

ratio.

LevI don't really know any women in San Jose
the gender ratio is 1
in that there is only one woman
that's not how ratio works
Levhey
who
has the got the math degree here
and who doesn't
exactly
you're better than this lev
LevI'm not
I also don't have a math degree

busy schedules.

Levthat
actually looks like a fun movie
pick when
LevNovember
can't
Levoof
April?
only the 31st
LevI can only do the first
I'm making prank calls all day, but I'll try to squeeze you in
Levthat's what all the women say
to the man who's travelling half the world to get laid

where are you guys?

where are you guys?
LevPismo beach
don't piss on my beach

unsubscribe.

LevGross
You just legit put me off sex holes
Mission accomplished
Do you not understand why I am friends with you
Levyes
but I wish I didn't
You can unsubscribe from this friendship at any time
LevYeah but you hid a unsubscribe clause
Where unsubscribing early costs more than just continuing the service
Also, unsubscribing includes writing an email to our unsubscribe address and listing at least 3 viable reasons as to why you deserve to be unsubscribed
We will then review and decide if you are a good candidate

storytime.

When my mother was 17, she wanted to go to a school dance but her mom wouldn't let her
So she lied to her and told her she was going to her sister's house for the evening instead
But then her mom made her bring some potatoes to her sister's house
And my mom had a big red leather bag for the dance
And her mother started filling it with potatoes
In the end there was like 7 pounds of potatoes there
And my mom went to the dance with it
And she danced with those potatoes in her bag all night
Then, a boy walked her home
And, being a gentleman, he carried her bag and politely but frequently asked what she was carrying inside
She brought the potatoes back to her house and put them right back in the basement
And that's how I learned that both my parents were rebels
More so than my brother and me
LevThat is the most stereotypically eastern European story ever

sick.

I lied
I am not sick
look how lively I am
Levyou look very ill
bitch I am glowing
Levmuch like a jaundiced patient
sickness must agree with me
I got two guys giving me their numbers today
Levthey were doctors

prostitutey.

I just got a refill on the crackers
It’s full of middle aged men in suits in here
I’m the only lady
And I’m sitting alone at the bar
How prostitutey do I look
Lev8
8 prostitutey
Good enough
That should get me a free hot meal
And I don’t mean jizz
LevYou mean jizz
I do :(

porn quotes.

some select quotes from the porn I watched today:
"no erection, don't happen"
"I can't do this, I was in the Jesuits"
"You ruined my life" *sobbing*

poop chat.

Better not poop too much
Cause there will be no more of you left
LevThe whole world will be awash in me
I feel gross just knowing I’m in the same house as you right now
LevFeel gross that instead of flushing them I hide them in your bed
Why are you like this
LevGod made me perfect
God should give you healthier bowels
How are you not done yet
LevI had to run tests
You can just ask me
I can tell you all the ways in which you are wrong
LevDid you already analyze my poop?
I’ll do it tonight when I go to bed

nice.

We can coordinate
Levprobably not
but you can pick me up on the way from nice
from where?
Lev...nice
oh

mindblown.

I do have the same scarf still
Is also a blanket
Levwhat will they think of next
non-leather pants?
Hahahah
I said the same thing yesterday
But about a sink that also dries your hands
My mind was blown
Levsometimes I feel sadder after talking to you

millenials.

LevI don't care about your life enough to call
that’s not true and we both know it
LevDoes this mean you want me to call you to give you toilet updates?
no, photos is enough
LevI've started commissioning paintings
finally you’re getting paid for giving people shit
Levyeah
used to just be paid for giving them crabs
Good old levs crab shack
simple times
you gotta diversify your income channels
these kids today are hard to please
used to be that crabs would be enough to keep em happy
but now they also want your wee toilet babies
LevThese millennials
Wanting jobs
And affordable housing
used to be we could make a living just with the crabs in our crotch

leather pants.

Incidentally
I am wearing leather pants
LevI don't understand leather pants
just categorically
they sounds incredibly uncomfortable
Oh dear god they are
They’re too hot and too cold at the same time
Levwhy own them then?
I need to rebel in a safe way somehow
Levwhat are you rebelling against?
unchafed thighs?
...Not wearing leather pants?

I had a dream that I met you in Switzerland

I had a dream that I met you in Switzerland
Are you there already?
Levplease don't come stalk me in Switzerland
I’m too Eastern European to go to that country
They won’t let me touch all their nice things

flippies.

LevI meant like next weekend
oh
Yeah you’re in Armenia
Levthey don't have movies here
just photos that they play in a really fast slideshow
Levit's what we can afford
we call them the flippies
cause someone has to be the guy to flip through them really fast

fertility.

you’re a source of infinite spicy memes lev
Armenia is lucky to have you
LevI've come to bolster the economy
yeah but you’re also gonna drastically reduce the fertility rate
babies find out you’re in the same country and they just refuse to enter it
Levhow do you think fertility works?

dreams.

don't cry yourself to sleep too much
LevI had my tear ducts removed
because my dad said I was too weak to be a man
but too ugly to be a girl
your father is a wise man
at least you can be manly in your dreams
or pretty
Leveven in my dreams
I am neither

dat shit gay.

Ok, go enjoy Armenia
Dont forget your good ol fren ren
LevFinds giant babies attractive renn
Just that one
I don’t call you gay just cause you sucked one dick
LevYah you do
Yeah cause dat shit gay af
Levit barely counts
And your mom had a good time so what can I say

callback.

google pods
LevIs that what you were born from
no, I hatched from a platypus egg
that's why none of my features go together
Levis that also why you always duck face in pictures?
how dare you make fun of my facial twitches
Levfacial penises more like
man I wish

active life.

LevI have a pretty active life
I was gonna get a blueberry yoghurt for breakfast
but I decided fuck it
carpe diem
so I got peach instead
the gods themselves do tremble

yessssss

yessssss
days off next month on lock? CHECK
ticket bought for 50 bucks? CHECK
runnin straight outta fucks? CHECK

sour patch.

Levoh bro
you know what's gonna happen when you come visit?
every shop
will have sourpatch kids
Oh Jesus lord
I will call it my American diet
Literally no other sustenance
Levyou are going to die here
What are saying
Sour patch kids are at the foundation of the food pyramid
Sour patch kids and Taco Bell quesadillas

liver farm.

you'll be my little liver farm
Levworst pet name
do you actually know your blood type?
just asking out of curiosity
Levno
stay away from my blood
ok, what else you got
Lev...hair?
you can have some of my hair, if you want
I guess
I don't know, maybe
from where
Levyou name the place and I'll name the price
I don't like this bit

jazzercise.

LevNo running tho
We're going to travel by mobility scooter exclusively
No running
But we are definitely doing aerobics together
Your mom can lend us her instruction video
LevHard pass on that one
You’re right
we can find our own instructional video
I think jazzercise is pretty popular nowadays
LevPls no

imports.

Levit's a plan then
I will try to clean my room sometime between now and then
pssht, what am I even saying
what's the point of importing a bulgarian house cleaner
if you just have to clean beforehand anyways
friend, I am not cleaning your mess for anything less than a green card
Leva dollar bill is green
and card shaped
I'm even willing to offer two green cards

housecleaner.

think about what you want me to bring you from europe
Lev...housecleaners?
but not dour bulgarian ones
the sexy ones
with french maid outfits
there's more porn stars in california than here dude
Levbut I don't want a porn star
I want something classy
that still dabbles in blowjobs
I can bring you the french maid outfit
and you can put it on a microwaved watermelon

sitcom idea.

I’d say I got a year or two
So I can still party hardy for a bit before settling with some sad guy
Levthe sad guy special they call it
Hopefully it won’t come to that
And I can rely on the kindness of a person I already know
Asad or Kabir maybe
LevI would watch a sad but enchanting sitcom about you and asad getting married for a visa until you learn that neither of you has an american passport

genuine conversation.

How did plant life survive without bees before
Did it just not need polenation?
LevPlants didn't start having flowers until the cretaceous
Before that they would spore or clone themselves likes ferns do today
Cause there’s all this talk about how plant life on earth would die out within 10 years after bees are gone
So I was wandering how things worked before
LevA lot of the plants we care about need pollination
Like strawberries and shit
This is perhaps the longest genuine conversation we've ever had
I know :/
I missed you
LevThe best part tho
The entire time
I was shitting
You weren’t
LevI legit was
Levvvvv

meme.

KabirI don't even know what hipster means anymore, renn
it's lost its meaning from overuse
just like the word meme will in a few years
Kabirmeme has already lost its definite meaning for me
it went from 'gene analogue but for culture' to 'image macro' to
'thing that makes me laugh'
seriously
KabirSomeone told a joke the other day in person
and I had the urge to just say
dank

tit slip.

Levdo you have a licence ?
try to have a licence
I have my bulgarian one
Levfuck it close enough
you'll slip the guy a twenty
or you'll slip him a tit
Levhoney, I'm as flat as you at choir practice
you gotta do your own slipping

san fran.

ok, I'll have a look for tickets to san fran
and practice lying to the embassy
I want to see the brussels of america
Levjust wait until you see san jose
it's the bratislava of san francisco

old.

you need to step up your game
Lev:c
I'm getting old renn
I don't have the energy to step up
I'm getting old too
too old for your shit

rock solid.

LevI told her you think she's gotten fat
she will remember this
why do you want us to be enemies
LevI want more drama in my life
fat chance fella, she and I are rock solid
unlike you
and I do mean yo diiiiiiick

how goes.

levonnn
you think you can get away from me, but I am the herpes of your life
I will never go away
LevBut I took so many antibiotics
How goes
I got a lava lamp
LevYour life is sad

wawa.

LevIn less derp related news, holy shit they're expanding the Wawa? Why the fuck did no one tell me this?
how have I not read about this
I have to visit wawa.com more often
or at least, like, follow them on twitter or something
this lack of update is ridiculous

blubber.

LevYeah black sea it is
We have to find a boat
LevYour blubber is bouyant enough, no?
I understand like 30% of those words

sour patch.

KabirOh shit I totally forgot renn wanted sour patch kids
Levrenn
The sour patch kids are increasing in size at the same rate you are
they have to
to satiate my increasing appetite

nice save.

LevWhen she said have a good flight
I almost said have a good...staying here
But I stopped myself
So proud of myself
It was still awkward, don’t worry

fomo.

AsadWe're out now and will come back accordingly
LevOut doing lame things
I bet it's super awkward
And that renn cries all the time
Lame things you’re not a part of
KabirBruv
Time of my life
LevWhy is the steering wheel on the wrong side
KabirThis ain't limeland
LevAlso asad look at the fucking road
Yeah this isn't lime land
So why is it on the right side
Is shit mirrored?
Don't phones unmirror shit nowadays?
Off to have fun without you byeee

driving skills.

LevThat being said, renn I've been in a car with you
You have no leeway to cast judgement on anyone
You were the second worst driver I've ever seen
The first was you on the way back
you're one to talk
LevBruh
You stalled out twice
In the same intersection

Alright, see you guys on the coast of the aegean in 3 hours

LevAlright, see you guys on the coast of the aegean in 3 hours
Asady'all coming together then?
LevGuess so
I'm kinda disappointed none of you called me out on the aegean thing
Asaddidn't really care about reading what you wrote
same
Lev:c

gigli.

Levoh benny no
no don't do this
benny please
pause
oh god lev
there's so much left
this movie is still beyond unbearable
it's good that we're doing these pauses
so I can retain some semblance of sanity

gigli.

"it's turkey time"
"gobble gobble"
genius
Levplease
tell me
that you will use that line with the next person you are naked with
lev, I'm happy that you're literally across the world as we are watching this
because it's more sexual than the actual porn we saw

skipping.

Levthat would be dope
but also there is 100% more underwater than jobs there
who cares
the underwater level of mario was the best one
LevI was never 4
so I never enjoyed mario
did you.. skip being 4?
Levyes
I did 3 twice

menopause.

LevI don't eat youghurt
yoghut is for 50 year old women having existential crises
wow you have some strong opinions on yoghurt
someone's a little defensive
did that menopause hit extra hard
Levit's the hot flashes that get me
it's also the only symptom of menopause you know
Levand...dry vagina?
I actually don't know
those poor women, no wonder they stop having sex
the thrill is gone after the 40 minutes you spend soaking your vag in a bathtub
Levironically
that's where I get my thrill
makes sense
sometimes water creates optical illusions so the ladies are less disappointed
LevI use an intricate set of mirrors to make it look not crooked

hookr bookr.

that's the oldest trick in the hooker's book
believe me
Levoh man
I just had a great idea for an app
uhhhh
Levlike uber but for escorts
I would call it Hookr Bookr
hahahah
NOW I NEED TO GET LAID NOW RIGHT NOW

borthplace.

how is san jose
the borthplace of the Eggo waffles
Levit's also the borthplace of my despair

tinder.

LevI just want to fuck around on someone's tinder
doing it on a guy's is pointless
alright
but you have to promise me something
to never fall in love in one of my suitors
LevI can't make promises for my heart
no actual romantic intentions
that's like the first rule of tinder

group activities.

Before you say anything
If you see a Snapchat filter photo of me online, it wasn't my choice
I was forced
LevI don't believe it at all
I just wanted to have some sushi
And then suddenly I have to participate in group activities
LevI can't trust you after your two Tumblr accounts

chances are.

don't shit on my dreams
Levok
but
like
can I just shit
in general?
chances are
that you're currently on a toilet
Levfor once
no
you've changed

wedding toast.

Levhave you seen tedcruzforhumanpresident.com?
oh my god no
hahahah
he has over 42 years!
I have seen many people and ted cruz is one of them
I have found my speech for your wedding
Levhahahaha
I'm not even going to replace the name
I'll just say that and sit down

toilet friends.

ughhh, that was grim
I've started using grim a lo
everyone laughs
Levis it cause they don't know english?
they know just enough to be impressed by the word grim
this is how i pick friends
Levit's better than my method
stop making friends in the toilet and you'll start meeting much more interesting people
LevI make my own friends in the toilet

sync problems.

ITSATRAP
Levwait how far back are you?
no, I am synced with you
it just took me a while to come up with that joke

pants.

Even the instructor who was trying to be positive about it had to laugh
She said she admired how I strayed from the norm to make her "so creepy"
I'm like girl I just can't draw chins and necks
Levshe used the word admire only to stave off your inevitable murder and wearing of her skin
she failed
She is my new pants now
LevWe are all your new pants now
Yes, you are all lovingly embracing my crotch and ass area
enjoy it

old.

It's my high school bully's birthday today
"Yeah, you're getting fucking old, bitch!" I yell as I laugh and take another bite of my burrito that I am eating in bed
LevAren't you also the same amount of old?

night activities.

there was someone talking on a loudspeaker
for quite a while
then they creepily played the ice cream song for half a minute
and now they're half-speaking, half-giggling
this is how I die
Levdid you move to Barcelona or a carnival?

my day.

LevThe fuck is sharing your day
Is it like shitty snapchat?
Looks like a Snapchat ripoff
But not only am I using it, I am ~definitely using it
Levfuck
Hahah omg shit is public
It's not a Snapchat thing
It's an instagram thing
Which, coincidentally, I also don't get

incest porn.

LevI hear you have a nice backlog of incest porn
it's all pretty vanilla by porn standards
only difference is the first 2 minutes
"we can't, you're my step-brother!"
"yeah"
that's pretty much it
LevI have a great idea for an interracial incest foot fetish porn
"We can't, you're my step-brother"
"Well why don't you step on a brother?"

in your honour.

Having fries with mayo in your honour right now
So you better be having cake in the shower in mine
LevI'm crying in my own filth
Attaboy

food baby.

one of those KFC feeding bags
Levthey really are designing for your lifestyle
I am a busy woman
Levyeah, there's so many feedbags to get to and so little time
I'd tell you to fuck off but I am pregnant with a food baby so I'm gonna stay calm for its sake
Levhow far along is it?
7/9 could also have some Haribos

ferret friend.

LevI want a telepathic ferret friend
the closest thing I had was you
I'm doing quite well
I've bitten your mom's foot many times

dream boner.

I left a dream on a cliffhanger last night
Time to finish
LevI'll spoil it for you
he doesn't want to have sex with you
That's not what his boner said to me
Literally, we had a nice conversation
Levhis boner was working in the service industry
he had to be nice to you
or he would lose his tip
ey-yoooooooooo

dishwasher load.

Levjesus christ
denise richards is the kind of girl that comes to your workplace and shits on the floor because you didn't load the dishwasher right
what the hell
you've been hanging out with the wrong people
and also, learn to load a dishwasher for gods sake
I am tired of shitting on your floor

catching up.

How is life homes
How many robots have you built
LevA roboty amount

birthday gift.

LevI got you nothing for your birthday
I hope you like it
It's suitable
Cause you mean nothing to me

pizza rolls.

A pizza roll?
Cmon dude
They're gross
Levit's one for me
and one for the lady in the basement
I've told you to stop feeding her
She attracts foxes
And its a goddamn mess

heimlich.

Levman, every time I eat at home
I remember that episode of 30 rock where tina fey almost chokes to death
I don't have the kind of upper body strength to heimlich myself out of that
so I stop eating
it's how I keep thin
Stopping eating is never the right answer

tax.

you'll have to help me find a winter coat in the markets
so take me to the places cool people get rid of their old crap
LevThe dump it is
I've always wanted mittens out of dead rats
Hobo chic
LevThat's less hobo chic and more way too into taxidermy chic
there's no chic in taxidermy :(
there's no chic in anything that has tax in it
taxis, taxes, chuck norris taxas ranger

quiz.

I should create a quiz
"Which bathroom utility are you?"
Options
Toilet, bidet, sink, tub
LevI would be a jacuzzi
Because i forcefully expel fluid
From every hole

projections.

what can I put on a projector for a dinner party
last time I put the titanic sinking in real time
wasn't a winner

peace sign.

did you learn some korean phrases?
LevNope
Didn't even try
you're a true American
LevI just hold up my Samsung phone as like a peace sign
And hope that works

korea.

LevAlso im in Korea now
how awesome is it
try to grade it
from north korea to K-pop
LevRight now we're at like communist Vietnam levels
The landscape is great though
are you sure you're in SOUTH Korea?
LevWait there's more than one Korea?
you should have checked at the airport

job requirements.

damn, I can apply for a job at my old university in the netherlands
they even have something for you
LevI'm pretty sure i would need a phd
I'm pretty sure it's enough to just believe in yourself

fonzied.

LevI've already told you my after death wish, right?
you wanna be shot out into space?
LevNope
Taxidermied into the fonzie position
So that when someone tells a joke that falls flat they can do the finger guns at me
And say
That guy gets it
ughhh
imagine how many terrible jokes you'd be supporting tho
LevThat's the beauty
Joke welfare

bonetown.

LevI don't know her address
bonetown is hard to locate indeed
Levbonetown visits me
that was not the right message to pop up on my screen as I was showing a colleague an email

friendversary .

Happy friendversary Левон
LevHow can we have a friendaversary if we've never made our friendship known in the eyes of God?
I never did buy you that ring
LevIt would have been inappropriate anyways
Beyonce had not set out the rules yet
but she has told me to only put a ring on it if I like it
and I only tolerate it

preach.

but he hung himself for real
Levdear god
renn I'm about to go to sleep why are you shitting on my dreams?
it's what I do
I don't remember the original purpose of our friendship but something went wrong along the way

movie?

movie?
Levgoing kiting probably :c
You're really getting into it huh
Levit's really fun
Don't wreck yourself
Levdon't worry I checked myself

useless.

LevI am a software engineer now
not a mechanical one
What a useless thing to be
Levtell that to the people that pay me, yo
or better yet
don't

the dream.

LevI figureed at least 5 - 10 more years
what with regulations and testing and all
I thought so too
Especially with Americans constantly out-suing each other
Its a bold move
Levwe try
it's a "we", is it?
LevI want to make my millions slipping on a small avoidable puddle yo
it's the dream

terrible place.

LevI wish everyone could live in one place
except the people I don't like
Yes
I wish they lived in a different place
Levsomewhere terrible
like the parts of florida without cuban people
With low water pressure
Levwho needs a shower when you've got 100% humidity
What is this hell we've created
Levit is literally just regular florida

sparrow.

Today we hit a sparrow with the car :(
I saw it fall on the road like a little potato
Levlook on the bright side
it was probably too quick for it to feel anything
the only ones in pain will be its tiny sparrow family
calling out for daddy
but daddy don't answer

russian.

Did you win quiz night
Levnyet :c
Что за мужчина такой, блять
Levyop tvayu mats suka blyat chotr
v'pizde
Alright alright Tolstoy
Take it easy

parents.

Do your parents even remember me
Serious question
Levthey sometimes ask me what you're up to nowadays
and I shrug
Thanks
Levany time

office maid.

I kept thinking last week that I'd come back to 744 emails of my bosses complaining that I'm not there
Bit I'm a lot less important than I think I am
LevAre you sure they know you work there?
They may think I'm the maid
Because pretty much all day I'm either in the kitchen or the toilet
LevMaids don't leave rooms more dirty
I am marking my territory
LevEveryone says please stop
Anyone who has a problem with me can see me in my toilet-lair

kinks.

She reports to me
I know all your kinks
Even THAT one
LevI don't know man
I think if you knew that one you would have reevaluated your view on knees
and refugees
You don't influence my life in any way

irish guys.

Levmaybe irish guys aren't the best idea
cause I mean...best case scenario they're the other guy in a devil's three way
and I can't compete with an irish accent
Meh, my loins are at room temperature
Levdear god
my loins are afire

I would have ugly children

LevI would have ugly children
so that they would grow up knowing they could have been beautiful
but I'm the goddamn boss of this house you little shits
hahah I was telling the same thing to my friends
also I remember one time when I was 6 I had the courage to ask my mom for ice cream with no occasion
and she said yes
I think that was the happiest moment of my childhood
if my children ask for ice cream I will ground them
so that they know they can't initiate their own happiness

?

yaaay, an old-fashioned sleepover
will we do face masks and talk about our crushes
LevWe're adults
We don't talk about crushes
Only crushing depression
same thing, am i rite
hahahaha?
LevI want to start ending ask my sentences with question marks?
Really emphasizes the existential confusion of day to day life?
but makes you sound like a colossal douche?

differ.

Leveven spies can be made into double agents
You're not as good in bed
As is needed
LevI beg to differ
literally, though
please differ

childhood flicks.

I have an idea
each of us will pick a movie from their childhood
mine is rover dangerfield
Levwhat now?
is it in black and white?
it's before your time
it's before anyone's time, really
Levliterally
it was released in 1991
HAHAHAHAH
oh jesus christ

brother.

LevAre you guys in a mall?
I need shoes
He needs therapy
LevDid having you as a sister become too much too deal with?
It was too much after the second year
That's why he started pooping in my shoes
Hopefully he'll grow out of it soon

both dicks.

It was autocorrect
I meant to say
"Just you girl, Lev can suck on both my dicks"
Levwhen'd you get a second?
When I took yours
Levyou must have taken my backup
the one I use with women who I think probably aren't safe to use my primary one with
enjoy the syphillis
You enjoy it, you just sucked it
Along with another one, I don't even know where that one came from

boobs.

Levalso RR Martin is pretty terrible at writing
he described someones eyes as "darker than milk"
considering milk is bright white
that means that the set of things which are darker than milk
that includes a lot of colors in the spectrum
Levcontains everything except maybe the sun
I read an article by david wong
and he included a passage my martin describing the thoughts of daenerys
and how she thinks of her boobs all the time
Levhehehe
"she walked her boobs across the street"
Levyeeeeaaaaah
pretty much
"I can hear them talking about my boobs", she thought, boobily
Levshe boobed her boobs to the boobing of the boobers, she boobed
what boobery!

bag contents.

for some reason
I have, at all times
embarrassing and unexplainable things in my purse
LevRestraining order and a bottle if breast milk?
last week it was a literal kilogram of gummy bears
the week before a small fishing rod
this week
a single onion
no bag, no anything
I'm carrying it around like a freaking apple
LevWhy?
I bought it for a salad that I never made
LevStory of your life

antisocial.

LevC'maaaaaaaaan
Cmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan
You'll meet new people and eat cheese, you have nothing better planned than that.
You know what's better than that? NOT meeting new people and eating pizza in my underwear.

33 km.

We still have 33 km to the hotel, its 1 in the fucking morning and we've been on the road for 18 hours
And I'm just talking bullshit toy dad to keep him from falling asleep
Levat least 33 km isn't so bad
that's like half an hour?
Yeah, I can run my mouth for that long
"What does this street sign mean, dad?
"How much electricity do you think it costs to light it, dad?"
Lev"how have I disappointed you, dad?"
although you might want to leave that one for when you guys have a longer stretch of road to cover

today's children.

just finished Over the Garden Wall
today's children are so lucky
if this is what forms their minds
LevRight?
So good
for me it was fucking caw and chicken
where they threw butts at each other
literally
LevGood times

raccoons.

I'll be finished by the end of the evening
and then back to watching raccoons on youtube
LevIts nice that your family put your childhood videos on YouTube
I know you're trying to insult me
but raccoons are amazing
they are smart and rambunctious
just like me
LevThey carry rabies
I carry STDs
the resemblances are uncanny

unrelated.

I put this song in my favorites after three seconds of listening
it's also on our playlist
Levlow blow would be a great name for a midget prostitute
it's unrelated to your song
It's a good one
I'd personally go with Little Death

face.

I don't know why I always do that face
the "even I didn't think my joke was funny" face
LevBecause it's usually appropriate.

taco.

Levbullshit, you've never had a taco?
like an actual taco?
I don't believe that
doesnt seem appealing
the taco breaks and everything falls on the floor
Levthat doesn't matter
it's not about appealing or not
everyone in their life at some point
comes face to face with a taco
and goddammit they eat that taco

brass balls.

brass balls sounds good enough
even if he doesnt have a truck
there's just so many options
Levhang it on your mantle, or on your cat!
Id use it as my wedding cake topper
Levhey, slip me a 20 and you can have the real deal on there
are you just gonna squat over my cake for the duration of the wedding
cause Id pay a 20 just to watch you struggle to not shit yourself
LevI wouldn't struggle

belgium/sweden.

Levso everyone in belgium has mom pants
Its the fashion
And bicycles keep our birthing hips healthy and strong
Levironically enough, for the other half of the population it gurantees they can't have any children
Thats the ones who dont know how to bike like a champ
LevI'm surprised you don't live in sweden
cause it seems like you got a bad case of stockholm syndrome

belgian influences.

Im steering clear of western influences
the commie lives in my heart
I wont let those belgians get to me
With their fries With mayo
Who's the communist now???
Levoh god they're so good tho
With mayo?
Is everyone insane?

approachable.

Levwas told I have a very trustworthy and approachable face yesterday
it's not related to anything, I just liked hearing it
It is approachable
I'd approach you to ask if youve been in an accident

villain logic.

NO DONT TRUST THAT BITCH SHE WAS EATING GRAPES EALIER

so late.

Levrenn
renn did you kill yourself cause the movie is so bad?
don't do it
find the will to live
renn
renn no
renn
LIVE damn you
LIVE
This is abandonment
lev
I'm trying
it's so late
Levyou fuckin fell asleep didn't you?
ples

snackfood.

Levanything is bed snackfood if you eat it off the bed
you are a sociopath

segal.

LevI regret picking this movie
we gotta get one segal movie out of the way
it's in the bucket list
Levis it on the bucket list because we're gonna both off ourselves once it's done?
we should have probably left it till last

no context.

Levthat's a good lesson for the kids
"doesn't matter if you work hard, ain't no one give a shit if you ain't royal"
#dembitchesaintroyal

gay.

Last time was fun
With voice included
Banter was snappier
Also it was nice to hear your voice
LevDon't make this gay

gambling.

nah bruh my spirit animal is a racoon
LevIs a racoon your spirit animal cause they steal food and no one wants to have sex with one?
also they are free spirits I guess
and they steal the food by the handfulls
I connect to that
LevI don't
Not since i lost my hands
In a gambling accident
I told you to never bet on green
that's just the color of the roulette table

distraction fire.

Lev, I need your spiritual guidance as I try to steal this fancy coaster from this restaurant
Levjust take it
tell them you've got an important thing
start a distraction fire
That can't be your answer to everything man

lord.

Levis your boyfriend going to join?
he said he's tired
he's been bowling and eating burritos all day
Levwhat a bitch ass pussy
that's what I said
but he refuses to be a man
and prefers to be a little gaylord
Levsomeone has to be their lord
they have chosen wisely

will smith.

Levyou know it's really impressive
that Will Smith unlearned acting just for this movie
hahahah
what's the best will smith movie?
...
that's a trick question

today.

LevThis movie would never get made today
with racial discrimination like that
it's African American zone
yeah, 2013 truly was a different time

raft.

you know waht
building a raft is one of those things
that sounds easy until you have to do it
Levwhere did he get rope?
rope fairy

pilot.

Lev"hey this ship is gonna break apart any second so instead we're just gonna have a very violent descent into atmosphere that sounds like the right thing to do eh?"
okiedokie peeps I'm your pilot for the day
don't worry, I've read the Wikipedia article on what to do
so you're in good hands
Lev"Well, I read the summary paragraph at the top"
"But I went to all the blue links and everything"
blue links for blue skies I always say
hahahaah just a bit f pilot humor for ya there

germans.

would be nice to live in Berlin
LevI don't like Berlin, it has too many Germans
Kabirwhat's wrong with that man, Germans are cool
LevI look too Jewish

dad.

ugh
gotta do one of them human hugs now I guess
"you're a consistent disappointment, son"
Lev"daaaad"
"I'm not your father"
"daaaaaaaaaaaaaad"
"Leave me alone please"

after earth audience.

will smith is doing his interpretation of the audience's interest
I think it's fitting that the son is doing what most actors in this movie have done before starting shooting
surrendering all emotion
Levthe audience too
I mean fuck
will smith fell asleep midway through the shoot
they had to change the story around that
what do we say to the god of acting?
not today

after earth.

oh god
they're doing the things amateur film students do
they're shaking the camera instead of the ship
Levhahaha
that one wasn't even shaking
just going forward and backwards at jaden
come on people
couldn't you just get two guys to shake the chair a little?
just get people from catering to lend you a hand

this is our life now, I guess

this is our life now, I guess
a series of uncomfortable pizza adventures
and we don't even get pizza afterwards
Levyou don't
:c

chicken joke.

Levhey wanna hear a couple jokes?
I don't know, do I?
don't know if I have 4 hours
Levwhy did the chicken cross the road?
renn
renn why did the chicken
renn why did the chicken cross the road
I don't
Levrenn do you know?
ugh
why
Levto get to ugly's house
ok chill I got another one
knock knock
renn knock knock
knock knock
who's there
Levit's the chicken
chickens don't respect the privacy of other living beings, asshole
they don't use doors
Levthey only respect the privacy of ugly people
wow
slam dunk right there
I mean
I'm speechless
LevBOOM
ALL DAY
ALL NIGHT
WITH THE ANGELS
IN THE SKY

wood.

the pregnant wife
goddamn girl
Levoh, really?
she wasn't particularly attractive
whaaat
Levand all the wives acted like they took lessons from wood
that's right
they were good students
cause they're giving me wood right now

obscure.

Levthat girl from wet hot american summer that paul rudd was shagging
obscure?
I'm not looking that shit up
Levthe background actress who is killed by a collapsing roof in the background of the fourth scene in the 1969 classic "The attack of substandard construction techniques"
aaah yes
truly angels do walk among us
Levand Nicolas Cage

late night.

with the amount of sex I'm having
it's surprising it's all still there
Levwhat?
that's not how crabs work
no, but it's how an STD cocktail works
also my dick don't work
also
I think I need to stop
Levfor a while now
it's late and I'm watching he-man

robot.

I'm glad to be of assistance
but I do expect you to name a robot after me
LevI have one that doesn't work
I named it 'Bulgarian Migrant'
close enough?
I will need pics to verify
but on paper it sounds good
(unlike the average Bulgarian Migrant)

dock.

Levthere's a cat here that's even a bigger attention slut than you
I've named it chet faker
hahah that is the perfect name
Levfinally someone thinks so
everybody has been on my dick about it
but you want people to be on your dock
Levnot the good kind of on my dock
You just don't understand what I'm talking aboat
you make me want to keel over
goddamn you, I'm on my phone

boringified.

Levyou've changed man
I've grown
and matured
and so has my humour
Levis that code for boringified?
I would say no
but a surprising amount of my jokes are based on taxes

"zero complaints! zero! that's less than one"

"zero complaints! zero! that's less than one"
Levnobody else seemed very impressed
thanks for explaining the number zero
didn't know this dominos was on sesame street

pizza child.

Levthis man
missed his child
coming into this world
to bring more pizza into this world
pizza is his true child
pizza don't disappoint or go gay

no context needed.

Levher vagina looked like a pizza
so I fell in love
dominos is love
dominos is life

main competitor.

who IS dominos' main competitor?
papa john's?
Levno
not papa johns
their competitor is the manson family

dominos documentary.

Levif someone only had this to go by what earth is
what would they think?
that we know how to TURN THE FCK UP

dominoid.

what's his name?
grease?
oh
reese
I'm starting to get auditory hallucinations
Levno he legally changed his name
a true dominoid

GoT recap.

but what about the other guys
I couldn't tell if they were looking at her like that because they were amazed by the dragon or her shittiness
Lev"dude c'mon"
"REALLY?"
Levalthough
they seemed to have a more effective and organized command structure than the unsullied
"everyone is harpies"
"literally everyone"

don't fuck me on this mang

don't fuck me on this mang
LevI don't fuck you
life fucks you
also, that cab driver that one time
Levand half of Sofia
it doesn't count if I am in character
Levit does
it really does
that's not what they told me in whoring school

remember.

do you remember when you sent me a story that you wrote that was actually a 7-page setup for a fucking pun
I remember
you are a dick

holy shit

Levholy shit
I just realized
that your nickname shouldn't be renn
it should be radish
how the fuck did I never realize that?
I mean
it shares more letters with radostina
sounds like a diminutive form of it
and plus
you have that same unnerving off purple/red coloring
and also you are a root vegetable
fits so well
And also I'm good for you
BAM
Levactually, eating more than one serving of radishes every couple of days can introduce too much oxorhybose into your blood stream
leading to nerve damage and decreased liver function
I made that up
it just causes death
deadly death
oh yeah lev I shall devour you from within
DEADLY DEATH
Levfeckin radish

gaze.

I found the best website for movie watching
gaze
Levthey don't like that word
they prefer to be called homosexualz

pun.

I'm terrified that one day
when we're both 36 or something
we'd be talking about our marriages and kids or whatever
and you'd start telling me this elaborate story about some life lesson that you taught your son
for like an hour
and then you'll end it with a fucking pun
LevI have a confession
you're not gonna like it
Stefan is actually just a setup to a pun
I've been working on for 8 years
one day I will tell you the pun
and he will leave you
because his job will be done

shower.

Levare you the fish in this or am I?
it's me
the fish is me
mocking your sick burn
Lev:/
you....you should shower
Its not the first Monday of the month
oh wait, it literally is

walrus.

LevWe should do a movie
Its been a while
Remember its your choice
As a christmas present
oh wow
thank you lev
I pick the movie 'sleep' by andy warhol
such a classic
prepare for 7 hours of pure entertainment
LevSorry im doing my dogs hair that day
wow lev chill out man
LevWHY DONT YOU CHILL OUT
I AM CHILLED OUT
IM SO CHILLED OUT ICE CUBE CSLLED TO ASK ME TO TURN UP THE THERMOSTAT
lev that was excellently put
is there like a place where I can find all those gems from your mind
collected
and archived
LevSome fat walrus puts em up on her tumblr
I
AM
THE WALRUS

happy new year.

hey dude
hey yo
lev
hi
happy new years lev
and stuff
Levrenn
renn goddamnit
don't you understand?
it's not a new year
it's the last year repeating again
we gotta break out of the loop renn
what no there's like a whole new number and stuff
LevNO RENN THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK BECAUSE IT REPEATED
GODAMMIT RENN
:c

zombeavers.

Levman, mister's gonna get with zooey
I do feel some sexual tension there
would be a first for this type of movie
and she'll need to replace that hole in her heart after the boyfriend dies
also, possibly a literal hole in her heart
but we'll see
LevI bet mister eats pussy
damn good varmint eating
I don't know
he does seem to really hate beavers
Levthe beavers have infiltrated this house
and the government

surprises.

it's nice that this movie still surprises me
Levit's like when you've been in a long term relationship
and things have turned boring
and then one day you have sex in the bum
and that day you think
"maybe this isn't the end after all"
yeah that time this guy got his dick bit off is totally like anal sex

shorts.

holy ovaries, those shorts are short
Levthe best kind of short

hottest.

who's the hottest?
LevI am
the hottest human
Levmy dick

does that guy ever take that beanie off?

does that guy ever take that beanie off?
Levdoes he never take his hat off?
shut the fuck up renn
YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP
FOR ONCE, I BEAT YOU TO IT

robots.

stupid sentient robot!
you're a moron!
the 80s had some weird obsession with robots
and had no idea how robots actually work
Levlike our relationship with genetic engineering today
can we give men penises for hands?
yes
yes we can
"but why would we?"
"because we can"

on camera.

Lev"oh shit I'm on camera"
"how do I walk? Is this how people walk?"
hahah
Levmaybe people just walked like that in the 80s
or in texas

ok slutbutt

Levok slutbutt
don't call me slutbutt

man/woman.

Levis that a man?
that's a man
who is that woman/man
Levthat's a man voiced by a woman
look at that jaw line
those Neanderthal eyebrow bones
Levmaybe they couldn't afford an entire woman
for the role
so they just got two halves
and put them together
one is the face
one is the voice
I just don't understand
like I'm genuinely trying to figure out the reasoning behind this artistic decision

gesundheit.

Hahahahahah
One of the presenters
Sneezed into the microphone
And I think the audience collectively shat itself
Levhahaha
don't act like you didn't
I didn't!
I don't even think I know how
Levto shit yourself?
you were a pro 30 years ago
You don't know, you weren't there
You were just a tingling sensation in your feathers balls

detective mango.

LevDetective Mango
Get me Inspector Passion Fruit
and Captain Coconut
inspector passion fruit
he gets too passionate about his cases
goddamn it, inspector passion fruit!
Levand he's fabulously gay

cheek space.

Levher face is so rotund
like she has so much cheek space
you could make two more faces just on the area her cheeks take up
cheek space
that's the funniest shit

whimsical.

hopefully you can look out the skylight from the toilet
a starry night would make those poop times so much more whimsical
LevMagical
Who poops whimsically?
zooey deschanel
maybe to the music of regina spector
LevLike...in time with it?
Thats impressive sphincter control
we may have gone too far with this premise
LevNo, lets continue this fantastical voyage into zooey daschounds anus
hahahahah
that should be a miniseries on bbc

wardrobe.

Levmy shower has a skylight
and my closet has a light
I am the height of fancy
you truly have made it
pics or didn't happen
Levyeah, that's way too much effort
you lazy bastard
I demand to see a skylight while I am re-assembling my broken wardrobe
LevIs it broken mentally or physically?
I don't know man, I don't talk to it every day
like it starts telling me some story and I'm like "gawd, I just want you to hold my sweater and not bother me, I'm trying to watch that John Oliver show"
LevMaybe thats why its broken
Because you have a pit instead of a heart
Though you should be able to relate to the wardrobe
You both have gaping holes in your chests

soz.

LevSoz
soz?
Levsorry
asad's influence
does it mean sorry?
Levyeah
but why would you need an abbreviation of that
it's already short enough
sorry seems to be the hardest word
grammatically, apparently

sexy onion.

I'm like a sexy onion
you learn new things about me every day
Levhow did you fuck up that metaphor?
shut up
no I didn't
you're a metaphor
LevI'm a metaphor for your inability to form metaphors

classic yans.

LevSpeaking of IRL
Hows dutchland
Do you have friends?
yes
severals
LevThat arent clients
oh
...
um
the cashier at my supermarket is nice to me sometimes
sometimes
he tells me my total in english
and I'm like yaaaaaans
classic yans

junior chef.

I'm just starting the first episode of MasterChef Junior
it's a reality show about 8yearold cooks
and I'm watching it while eating nutella straight out of the jar
Levwhy
why do you keep doing this?
because this is what I deserve

colonel chicken.

awww, that chicken guy
what was the name o that character?
Levcolonel chicken?
the texas chicken
the texas rooster
the horn rooster
horn was somehow a part of the name
roosterhorn?
Levfoghorn leghorn
what
those are not real words
foghorn?
Levyes
the fuck is a leghorn

but maybe.

that's actually a bit terrifying
Levalso talent makes you into a giant godzilla thing
also retarded
and a little bit arounsing?
no?
no
of course not
of course
of course
but maybe?
Levrenn
what
what the fuck

snail.

I'm not hot enough to be a dutch whore, mang
have you seen dutch ladies?
they make me look like a snail left in the sun
Levhey
c'mon
snails left in the sun make you look like a snail left in the sun

poop.

like you know what a woman's orgasm sounds like
Levoh, yeah, you're right
she was just pooping
oh wow, she sounds like a furious pooper
Levone sec, I need to go clean my nose
talk with her
I'm handing the computer over
heeey
I hope you're not a furious pooper
but it's cool if you are
I don't judge
Levoh sorry
apparently she doesn't like to talk to people while pooping
;/
Leva difference we haven't reconciled
you fucking better not have talked to me while on the can
Levshe wanted me to tell you arrgghhuuuurmoppphpggaraaaaargh
wait, no
that was her pooping again
stop
pooping
Levof course I've talked to you while pooping
I mean through fb chat
not on the phone
as far as I can remember
I hate you
so much
I'd never do that to you
you pooped all over our friendship
you POOPED ALL OVER IT

jesus lord.

Levplus
it's my last day in england
so the extent of my commentary would be
urgh
mgrmph
argh
aka, phonetic transliterations of me thrusting during sex
ew
please
no thrusting
any kind of thrusting
go spend time in england
Levwell, I'll be spending time in something
jesus lord
Levin..
a vagina
lord jesus
Levhis name might be called out a few times

window.

Lev
levv
you really missed the window on coming to bulgaria
You know what didn't miss the window? The fist-sized pieces of fucking hail
Hahahahahaha
We don't have a window

snow.

Asadrenn, you are so cool!
no, asad
YOU are cool
Asadit is true
I'm the cause of all this snow.
FYI, there is no snow :(

peasant.

I have no Spotify, so I have to send you songs on Facebbok like a fucking animal
Levwhat am I, a fucking peasant? Get your shit together and get back on spotify.
buy me a computer and a subscription
Kabirhey. proxies do exist.
AsadProxies are for the weak.
And porn.
Lev, do you know what you are?
A fucking pheasant
AW GOD, THAT WAS SO PIMP

jorts.

lev
welcometojorts.com
your homeland
LevI regret nothing
I'm sorry, I don't speak jortish.
Levyou live it.

hip hop remix.

all they wanted was a villain, a villain
but all they had was me
Levfor shame. Posting song lyrics as your status? Shaaaaaaaaaaame.
#loldidntread #swag #yolo
KabirGoddamn, first song lyrics and then meme-y hashtags.
Our group used to be so cool it was unreal
but I guess reality is catchin' up with me
takin' my inner child, I'm fighting for it, custody
with these responsibilities that they entrusted me
as I look down at my diamond-encrusted piece.
21st CENTURY SCHIZOID MAN
LevIs this the real life, is this just fantasy?
caught in a landslide
LevNo escape from renn-ality
Open your eyes
Look up to the sites and seee
I'm just a poor song/ I need no quoting
because I'm underground, not well known
never played on radio
quoting songs is lame, yo,
doesn't really matter, you see
to meeeee
Levdid you just try to do a hip hop remix?
KabirYes, and holy shit, it was pretty good
um... yes?
I do okay when I have a little time to think

king's landing.

Levcome to croatia
you've got like four days left
is it amazing
;c
Levno, just fat slavs everywhere
just like bulgaria
but
king's landing
LevI did get to have a threesome with Cersei and Margaery Tyrell
that's how they usually welcome everyone there
I assume

wake.

that fork thing killed me
LevI'm sorry
when is the wake?
right now
it's really rude of you not to come
it's an open casket
Levthat's what I was afraid of
more casualties
you should be
it's your fault
you took the joke too far
and now I really am dead
Lev:c
:\
: D

thong.

levonn
I've been gone
for so long
but I sing you this song
so that we could get along
Levwhat the fuck are you talking about?
david wong

reminder.

tell your dad hey
and remind him who I am
use nice words, please
Levhe neither remembers nor cares to be reminded of you
he remembers
he just needs a reminder
just tell him the auburn-haired beauty from two years ago says hi
I had a polka dot dress
that should remind him
LevI don't know, I've tried to cry while eating two packs of donuts in front of him
if that didn't remind him, nothing will
did you sit under a running shower while doing it?
LevI wanted to make it authentic
so I pretended we had no running water
other than that which runs from our eyes

3 MB/s.

LevI forgot what kinda backwards internet Penn had
I came back home
and now I'm donwloading at 3 MB/s
coincidentally
I am also uploading 3 MB/s of jizz into my pants
how productive of you

have it.

Levbitch you can't hang up on me
I hang up on you
you hear me?
I do what I want
when you warble and garble
I hang up
cause will not have any of that shit
I will not have it
Levyou will have it
you will go to the store
and you will ask the store worker
and they will lead you to the correct aisle
and then you will go to the cashier
and she'll check you out
and you'll hand her the money
and she'll give it to you
and then you'll ~have it
that was beautiful
too bad I won't have it
Levlike a side order of fries
you will never not have it
fatass

size 12.

I'm an intimidating lady
I'm just so successful and acomplished
and also goddamn sexy
it puts them in a bad place
Levthat...and, you know
people are scared when something bigger than them is running after them
those people are pussies
I'm just voluptuous
the national women's average is 12
so I'm just a few dress sizes too big
Lev~13 isn't just a few
whaaat
just ONE baker's dozen sizes?
whatever, oppressor

dream big.

my life is pretty sweet
there's a whole block of parmesan cheese in the fridge
and I haven't seen a whole season of archer yet
who could ask for more
LevWhen we have the potential to be anything
we dream of being astronauts, or rock stars, or kings
when we have the potential to be nothing
we dream of parmesan
and to maybe meet a nice new husband at our jazzercize class

sock.

it's okay if you need a 15-minute break
Levall I need is 15 seconds and a sock
I don't get the sock thing
it seems so unsanitary and gross
do guys really do that?
LevI dunno
sometimes
It's like a pocket for your wiener
but
what do you do with the sock afterwards?
throw it in the washing machine with the rest of the laundry?
that way all your t-shirts and other socks will have a tiny bit of sperm on them
ewww leeev
did you ever put a sock like that with the sweater you gave me?
I hope I'm not pregnant
LevI gave you a sweater?
yes, a grey one
Levoh you mean my cum blankie?

fowl.

how dare you
pigeons are hot as fuck
Levyou have fowl perversions
oh my god
I'm so proud I got that
Levyou should be ashamed
pigeons aren't even fowl
you got a non-factually correct pun
stop playing with my emotions
fowl is just another word for a bird, right?
LevFowl is a word for birds in general but usually refers to birds belonging to one of two biological orders, namely the gamefowl or landfowl (Galliformes) and the waterfowl (Anseriformes).
-wikipedia
-or something
so you think you're better than me with all that bird knowledge?
what the fuck is a waterfowl?
is that like a flying fish or something?
Levlike...a duck
or a swan?
you know...
water birds
so... a pigeon is a duck?
Levno
how...
how did you even get there?

stoats.

so what else are you up to
whom have you been masturbating to lately?
Levrosie o'donnell
noice
Levthat slime monster from Ghostbusters
lubrication wouldn't be an issue
Levand the inevitable decimation of the natural habitat of the Eastern Red Tailed Stoat
ARE THE STOATS IN DANGER?
WHY HAVEN'T I BEEN INFORMED OF THIS
kabir gave me a stoat once
I miss him so
Levat the rate I've been masturbating
they are very much in danger

larping.

it's the funnest pastime
I've never done it
but I assume
LevYeah right youve never done it
at least not conciously
there isn't much larping in bulgaria
Levyou guys all LARP as depressed people
all the time
I guess pretending to be functioning citizens of the world is the farthest our imaginations can take us

greece.

leeev
here I am in the bulg again
I was in greeeeece
Levwhy were you in greece?
I really wanted some yoghurt and there was none in the fridge
Levdid you check the store?
oh

shitfaced.

I sound shitfaced
Levyou always sounded shitfaced
that was just your accent
:/
Lev"Where are you from?"
"A land where I can't handle this shit"

toilet paper.

apparently someone's been stealing toilet paper from the office
and we're going to have a new zero-telerance policy
towards toilet paper, I guess
or towards stealing?
probably stealing
now that I think about it
Lev"What do I wipe my ass with?"
"We now have a communal ass towel for the public restrooms"

porn parody.

it's strange that there is a game of thrones porn parody
like
wow, that's such a stretch
Game of thrones like it's never been seen before
Levapparently it's hard to find a stream of it, though
://
we'll just have to use our imaginations then
let those minds run wild
what's it called?
Game of Bones?
Game of Moans?
Game of Stone(-hard penii)s?
gotta be one of these

rick and morty.

Levprint out the word toolbars
and tape them to your monitor
I like the way your mind works
then I could take 'the economist' and staple it to the lower part of the monitor
people will be like 'wow, she's so well-read'
Lev"this rick character really has some insightful political commentary on farts"
are there farts in this show?
this truly is the golden age of television

broken shoe.

Levthat
is the saddest thing
that has ever touched my ears
do you wanna hear some good news then?
Levyeah, good news it up
I fixed by broken shoe
and I had some shrimp last night
so I got that going for me
Levare you just trying to reinforce stereotypes about eastern europe at this point?
"Is glorious day. Broken shoe is now fixed using pig iron from melted tank. Requires great celebration. Today we feast on one potato."
I lied
I didn't fix my shoe

papers, please.

we've been playing papers, please
Levoh yeah, that looks like such a good game
the description sounds like an onion article
"a fun document thriller"
but it's actually fun
LevI've watched some Let's Plays of it
it looked almost as stressful as actually immigrating into a country

lawers.

I did it
I'm officially
too cool for school
aw man, I just now realized I should have said that at graduation
I'll say it when I get my master's
Levlet's not lie to ourselves
you'll forget again
and then two years after your graduation you'll be taking a shower
and just yell "FUCK!"
I'll just say it there
to no one
Levare you calling me no one?
are you saying you'll be in the shower with me when I remember to say it?
LevI read there as here
sure you did
pervert
LevWhen I said my clones were keeping surveillance
I meant they were keeping really good surveillance
making sure my good jokes are heard by someone other than me
how sweet of you
LevSee? Why do none of the other women I do this to realize that it's a gesture of kindness?
It's all "sexual harassment this" and sexual harassment that" and "I swear judge, 'I use Pantene' sounded like 'I'm over seventeen' to me"
how is it sexual harassment if they're just sitting quietly in the corner?
sure, sometimes there's heavy breathing involved, but since when is breathing a crime?
someone should stand up for those clones' rights
Levand then they're all like "well heavy breathing into someone's vagina IS a crime"
and I'm all like "well okay then next time I'll hold my breath"
"alls I'm saying is, a little heads up would be nice"
Levman, fuck stefan
we should have been lawyers
seriously
I would look so good with a suitcase
I'd keep starbursts in it

hipster profile pic.

I attended this conference today at work
and there's the uk energy minister talking about the future of energy in europe
and I'm in the back of the room, taking selfies
Levhahahaha
if I make this my profile picture
I'll never hear the end of it
from you
Levyou really really wouldn't
renn
renn don't do this
there's
there's support groups
let me do this
Levrenn
if you do this
if you do this
we'll only be able to ironically be friends
our friendship seems fickle if it's dependent on my photo choices
Levit very much is
I've decided to unfriend you like 15 times over the course of two weeks
but then decided to refriend you
awwww
you just can't stay away for too long
I understand
and I forgive you for your times of doubt

graph.

http://priceonomics.com/the-hipster-music-index/
according to this
I am not a hipster
I've never heard of half of these bands
Levyou're too non mainstream for a graph to capture you
you can only be fully described by a badly presented infographic
you're totally right
I should make my own infographic to show how mainstream I am
it will have a line that goes one way!
and another - in the other way!
probably some dots here are there
and a squiggly thing for good measure
so it looks legit
oh man, I should have gone after engineering
Levyeah, then your social ineptitude would have been seen as a quirk of your career instead of a mental handicap
mistakes have been made

clones.

the weirdest thing keeps happening to me these days
I keep seeing people that look exactly like you
so much that I'll be talking to someone
and I see some curly-haired asshole
and I'll forget what I was saying
LevI've been cloning myself
and spreading my copies around bulgaria to disrupt your daily life
oh no
what a needlessly complicated plan to mildly confuse me
Levalso steal your social security number
but then I realized they don't have those in bulgaria
so...shit
quite the mastermind you are

style choice.

is my movie lagging?
or is this the way it was shot
no, I think it's lagging
LevI think
that is how it was shot
this doesn't seem like framerate lag
this seems like they just decided to cut the frame rate while recording
because fuck you, I guess?
IT' A STYLE CHOICE, LEV
GAWD
EDUCATE YOURSELF
LevTHE AAAAAAAAART
I think one of the cameras was broken
and they were like "welp, fuck me if we're reshooting this"
"I'm sure everyone will get it"
let's move along, people, I've got to film the mimes in nicolas cage's "vampire"

cubes.

Levwhy bother with it, though?
true to the cause
whatever it is
I'm so thoroughly confused
Levthe cause being to
uh...
murder people in cubes
because fuck people
or fuck cubes?
I'm not sure

wording.

I heard crying
I assumed it was you wackin it
Levno
somebody just called me fat
and I had to cry the calories away
ah, if it only worked that way
I would lose all the calories gained from lunch while sitting on the office toilet
Levdon't you?
kinda?
by...shitting?
isn't that how shitting works?
yeah, I kinda regret that wording
I did not mean shitting

cartoon network show.

hey
guess which show I'm watching
com on
guess
it's a cartoon network show
Lev"Cartoon that aid in depression"?
warmer
I'll give you a hint
I relate to the main character
Lev"Ugly hoes and their cats"?
"Approachably attractive girl struggles to tolerate her misanthropic asshole friend"

pootie tang.

see?
when you say I dress like a hooker
it's just being fancy
Levthat doesn't apply
when you're actually a hooker
what, just because I want to dress like a lady and fuck some guys and get some money afterwards
you call me a hooker?
if I had a bag I would have slapped you with it

pootie.

Lev"no pootie"
was that raoe?
that sounded like rape
sex with pootie cannot legally be considered rape
it is consentual by default

necklace.

REALLY?
THE NECKLACE HAS BEEN THERE FOR 90 YEARS?
Levhahahaha
and no punk teenagers ever swiped it?
Levwhat are you, 60?
punk teenagers?
:/
punk-ass kids

hyphens.

Levcoolio
coo-lee-oh
Levshut up
who allowed you to hyphenate?
I got a license

nic cage's vampire.

OH MY GOD
THIS
THIS IS WHERE THAT MEME COMES FORM
HAHAHAHAH
his eyebrows are trying to escape his face
but it's just not working
Levhow
how are there people in LA starving to be actors
and Nic Cage is fucking famous
as he hugs his goddamn baugette

childhood fear.

remember when being a vampire was a terrifying experience
instead of a life goal?
good times
LevI've been trying to be a vampire my whole life
have I told you
that vampires used to be my greatest fear as a child
I'd like to thank stephanie meyer for making me not take them seriously ever again

savant.

hahaha wat
I wanted to watch those mimes
Levwho comes up with this shit?
I bet that
the guy that wrote that mime scene
was like
"Damn, look at that symbolism""
that's some deep-ass shit I've got here
Lev"I'm a fucking savant"

nic cage rage.

HEY LADY
um
your hair is coming out of your hat
it's overflowing from your hat
like a fountain
Levwho am I supposed to sympathize with in this movie?
cause right now
it's with the 90s
for ending the 80s

that be awesome

that be awesome
but we're set back a bit by the fact that I'm utterly talentless
Levwell
practice and shit
don't tell me what to do
I do what I want
Levyou do what I tell you
are you telling me to eat 4 muffins
cause I just did

regional manager.

LevJesus is lord
But not very good at voip
Or network protocols
blasphemy!
I'm gonna tell on you when I go to heaven
LevHah
Like they would let you in
pshh
they'd make me regional manager of heaven
as soon as I get there
LevRegional manager of the sanitation department maybe
still, manager of heaven
is not too bad
I'd like to put that on a card
Lev"I know my shit"
but it's heavenly shit
so it probably feels and smells like roses
LevWould you say
It is holy shit?
way to reach for the lowest hanging fruit, lev
that joke was easy
and so are you
slut
Lev:c
I am just sexually liberated?
just wait until someone liberates an STD on your loins
LevNo renn
I am the one that liberates the stds
they call you the Liberator
ew, lev
and you act all high and mighty about my managererial position
LevHey now. At least I get laid. Nobody wants to sleep with a traffic cop for feces.
you don't KNOW

personal affront.

gooby pls was just hilarious
we still do it
I would do it with anyone
because it's just funny
Levthat is not a defense
how come
I can't enjoy a joke with my boyfriend just because he's my boyfriend and it might look lame?
that's not a world I want to live in
Levno
you can't enjoy a joke with your boyfriend
because I see it as a personal affront when you're not wallowing in your own misery
you know, if you wanna instantly feel better about where your life is going
just go watch a reality show
literally any reality show
that's not about anything
like the wives of the hills of beverly
or whatever it's called

ovaries.

I don't know
he had a good taste in ovies
we talked about wristcutters and david lynch
Levso, ovies could be movies, olives, and ovaries
I really hope it's ovaries
because I want to live in a world where there's ovary connosseurs
or however the fuck that word is spelled
I wouldn't make a good conversation partner
my knowledge of ovaries is alarmingly limited

operating systems.

Levmy computer shat itself
so I had to install windows 8 to fix it
and I hate it
I hate it so much, renn
it is pretty shitty
but it's pretty
it's like a hot girlfriend that's borderline retarded
you just have to decide what's more important to you
Levwin 8 isn't even pretty
so it's like the kid with down's
it's retarded and the way it looks is unnerving and make you uncomfortable
even if you don't want to admit it to yourself
or like that one time I did your makeup
a hopelessly ugly foundation with far too much cosmetic applied to hide it, and it all ends up looking like somebody tried to shit mascara on a plate
that's so vulgar of you
why can't we ever have a well thought out conversation about various operating systems without mentioning shitting?
LevStop pretending we are high society

nic cage is a vampire.

she needs to get silver bullets
LevI don't know mang
blanks can still kill someone at close range
I don't know if vampires can survive face melting
which is what blanks do
and maybe fake bullets will harm him
after all, he is a fake vampire
Levhahahaha
hhahaahh
Lev"I've become"..."a vampire"

movie credits.

Levhow fucking long are these intro credits?
and why are they clips of older, better horror films?
hey, they want to acknowledge everyone who's going to not put this movie on their resume
and to remind us of the better things we can be watching right now

magazines.

LevI want that little tube
they stick in your junk
no side effects
and no pregnancy
what side effects are there with vasectomy
Levdecreased sex drive
there's pills for that
come onnnn
let someone pick away at your penissss
Lev"But you can still get your partner pregnant until your sperm count is zero. You must use another method of birth control until you have a follow-up sperm count test 2 months after the vasectomy (or after 10 to 20 ejaculations over a shorter period of time). "
like it would take any adult male in the world 2 months to get to 20 ejaculations
more like 3 days
Lev7 ejaculations per day?
I'd need to line up a lot of women
so that no one of them gets sore too quickly
not women
pictures of women
on websites and magazines
Levmagazines?
what am I, a bum in the 50s?
some people like to read, lev
Levunless the magazine is in braille with the letters made up of the pimples on a model's tits
no, renn
no they don't

hobo movie.

mildly content
that's what I want to be, all the time
shootin' for the stars
Levyou know what they say
shoot for the stars
and you'll probably get arrested for the unlawful use of a firearm
well
maybe not arrested
but fined
and then you won't be able to afford rent for the month
and end up living on the streets
Levbut then you'll be with the stars always!
on account of no roof
and then you meet this cute hobo girl
who ran away from home two years ago
and you fall in love
and then she's kidnapped by the mob because she witnessed a murder
and you have to save her
I think I'm writing my next movie
LevI gotta admit
it's pretty shit
Cause your quirky manic pixie dream girl
will literally be a homeless person with mental instabilities
I take that back
I love this movie
you don't know who stars in it
listen:
hugh laurie is the protagonist
emma stone is the girl
jeremy ions is the mob boss
and jonah hill is the comic relief
and he turns out to be a genius
and helps hugh laurie with his financial troubles

dual monitor setup.

Levwhen did you get a second monitor?
I'm using stefan's
he got one and I just got my adapter
so I'm using it when he's not home or we agree upon it
Levyou make it sound like shared custody of a baby
we love it like a baby
it makes everything bigger and more convenient
I can type this and watch 30 rock at the same time
Levdo twice the amount of procrastinating in half the time!
I don't know what you're talking about
it still takes me all day to do all that nothing that's piled up
Levyou're very inefficient at doing nothing
or prolific?
Levalso yes

consistency.

it's nice to know that nic cage didn't jjust go awful during the last years of his career
his entire life is an awkward phase
Levyou got to give it to him
he has consistency

busy guy

busy guy
engineering all the engirees
Levare you proud of yourself?
like, ~really?
I think I did pretty okay
I've been off my game recently
wit-wise
but I'm slowly gaining speed
Levlets hold off on optimistic projections
Let's not
let's grossly overestimate my ability to craft a successful joke

balls.

trying to find a wordpress theme to pirate
and looking for a new web host
mine sucks balls
Levwhy?
that sounds like a nice ancillary feature
yeah, well
it's really bad at it
so it just, like
cradles them
and it's creepy and weird
and I have to buy them breakfast afterwards
and I was saving the bacon for someone special
Levit's like a scrotumthrone
no, it doesn't feel royal at all
Levdo you still have functioning regal receptors on your testicles?
...
duh
Levjust checking
they usually degrade with age
and you're...well
you know

wow.

omg dem visuals
much colorful such amazing
Levpaint bucket tool
hodor
HODOR

two tumblrs.

Levwhat the shit is this, you have two tumblrs now?
dangerous road, yo
dangerous road
my hipster levels are lethal
LevI'm suffocating under filtered photos of meaningless shit

romcom happy ending.

Levyou know how much those horse carriage rides are?
like 50 bucks
that is not a wise business decision
for how long a ride?
LevI don't know
1 horse carriage ride's worth of meters?

my laptop's battery is on 6%

my laptop's battery is on 6%
and I have to get up for work in 5 hours
hope you appreciated my sacrifice
Levtrust me
the sacrifice was mine
oh how I've missed you

inception?

it was an accident
like your inception
that's the correct word, right?
yes it is
it means whatever I want it to mean
Levconception
i.e. how your mother and I created you
you motherfucker
...

graphs.

Levit's a fucking graph
how do you fuck up the graph?
Bitch don't understand graph making
I'd get rid of the grid
but that's about it
minimal is best
Levno renn
that's dumb
you can't have a graph without a grid
that makes it less useful
in some cases you can
Levbad renn
BAD
NO
NEVER
NO GRAPHS WITHOUT GRIDS

dick-butt.

tonight
are you up for it?
Levyes
innn
like
several hours
LevI SAID YES YOU WHORE
I WAS JUST SPECIFYING A CONVENIENT TIME FOR OUR JOINT ENTERTAINMENT YOU IGNORANT SLUT
LevI UNDERSTAND YOUR INTENTIONS YOU CUM GUZZLING GUTTER WENCH
GREAT
I'M HAPPY THAT WE HAVE AN AGREEMENT
I WAS A BIT WORRIED ABOUT THAT
YOU
you
...
dick-butt
LevI forget where
butts
Levbut I think I've seen an animation of an endless matrix of dickbutts
probably the british museum
that's where it belongs

ancestry.

you have Bulgarian ancestry
it's time to admit it
that's the reason behind your manly brows
Levonly the parts of me that like to lick electrical sockets
now you have a choice
you can either claim that you don't have Bulgarian ancestry and therefore acknowledge that your brows are stupid-looking
or you can admit your brows are manly and accept your heritage
Levor I can say I have no bulgie ancestry and say thank you for calling my brows manly
no, that's…
that's not how you play the game

lego.

geez, lev, don't be a cockblock for my rhymes
Levdon't be a cockblock for blockcocks
are those cocks made out of blocks?
like legos?
ew, lev
don't ruin my childhood
Levlegoman gotta get his legodick wet
why
that is not something that needs to happen
stop it
LevIMMA GET THAT LEGOPUSSY ALL LEGODICKKED LEGOSHAWTY
OH YEAH
INSERT THAT BLOCK INTO THAT OTHER BLOCK
LevOH YEAH WORK THOSE PLASTIC HINGES
ADD MORE LEGO BLOCKS TO DAT LEGO COCK

goddammit

Levgoddammit
the only think I hate more than people tacking on hashtags at the ends of things
is people replacing words in sentences with their hashtag equivalents
weird
americans are weird
here we barely use hashtags
only one I ever saw become popular was the hashtag for the protests
Levwhich sorta makes sense
because that's actually a public thing
that can have a standardized hashtag
but not fucking "lol took a #massive #poop, it was #huge"
"seriously guys, I have a #digestive #tract #problem"

devil's brew

Levbut I have to leave at like 7ish
wow, look at you, party girl
Levto visit my folks
don't get sloppy drunk
LevI'm always a very classy drunk
it was the beer
it was the whiskey
it was the wine
it was the rum
it was the brewwwwww made by the devil
that made me embarass myself in front of my elders and prove to be a huge diappointment
LevI was drinking in my home one night and I had one too many
my mother said "get it together"as I threw back another bloody mary
I pissed meself and punched my dad
it made for a christmas very merry
One fateful night I got drunk with my friends
Reckless and young, we thought the fun would never end
But when we went to pee on someone's ride
We found that there were seven cops inside

Lev, just eat a goddamn vegetable

Lev, just eat a goddamn vegetable
Levwhat, like...something from the ground?
where animals shit?
sorry, I'm trying to be healthy
the food you eat can literally give 50 elephants cancer
Levwell
somebody has to suffer for my eating habits
it's like the Picture of Dorian Gray, but instead of a picture, it's 50 elephants, and instead of aging, it's cancers

i'm sorry lev.

good morninggg
hey lev
get up
it's time to rise
Levshut up your face
I'M SORRY LEV
SOMETIMES I FORGET I'M A WOMAN BEFORE I SPEAK

slave name.

Levare you forgetting things?‏
no‏
LevDO YOU EVEN REMEMBER MY NAME?‏
Levonnnn‏
but imagine I said that like your mother says it‏
Levthat's not my name‏
that's my slave name‏
you don't have another‏
Levmy real name is Lashanda-a‏
the dash is not silent‏

angles.

you haven't lived
until you've walked barefoot in the rain
Levyeah, I haven't died either
until I've gotten pneumonia
that's not a valid argument
Levyour face isn't a valid argument
it never is
cause you can't argue with it
it's too lovely
Levoh
are we doing the thing where we're lying to ourselves?
cause I've been meaning to tell me that I'm not too skinny at all
real men have angles

what's that movie.

arghhh
help me with something please
what's that movie
where a guy kills another guy
LevSpeed Racer
no
The Matrix
no
Breakfast at Tiffany's
wait shit no
Waiting for Godot
staaaahp

so fat.

wait till you see fat I've gotten
Levhow fat have you gotten?
like a mammoth that's pregnant
oh my god
so fat

7 seconds.

Levwatch it
WATCH IT
it's 7 seconds
and hilarious
wat
can't believe I wasted 7 seconds of my life for this
but
I'm no person to talk
I spend 15 minutes today singing a song to a block of cheese I bought

sloppy seconds.

FAAAAG
LevDICK HOLSTER
why don't you go suck a cock
Levyou got to 'em all already
yeah, but I know you don't mind sloppy seconds
they call you sloppy lev the second
Levyeah, but you already sloppily got to those seconds
nothing left for me even if I wanted to
I am sorry
now you're all unsatisfied
and sexually frustrated
just don't put your dick in an alien's forehead
Levdamn
too late

making it up.

she was neither of those things
she was reckless and insecure
and a party girl
but I don't know if she was amoral
Levclose enough
where did you get your info, lev
Levmakingshitup.paedia.org
oh yeah
I've got that on speed dial
very helpful for job interviews

attention span.

Stefan: hey, that's really cool, can you send me the link?
renn: yes
st: you'll actually send it, though?
renn: yes
st: just please don't forget, you'll send it, right?
renn: yes
st: so you'll really send it?
renn: send what?
Levgoddammit renn
you were supposed to send it like a week ago
huh?
wha.. which one?
the what?
I...
ngh
:c
LevI'm gonna have to set the schedule back by like a month now
I hope you're fucking happy
no :c
I'm sorry
I don't even know what I did wrong
I don't remember what I forgot to do
Levjust...all of it
I'm barely even paying attention right now

youtube.

oh, you know what I've come to appreciate?
the watch it later option on youtube
it helps me so much
Levyou know what I've come to not appreciate?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO USE YOUR REAL NAME?
AER U SURE U DONT WANT TO USE YUR REEL NAM?
Y? TELL ME Y YU DONT WANT
PLS
PLS TELL ME
I WNT UR NAM
GIV ME UR NAM
fucking youtube

topless.

I mean
does he even own a shirt?
all his clothes take up just one shelf in the wardrobe
not even a whole shelf
Levhe has no shirts
he just has the ability to grow colored body hair on command
every day is sweater day
LevD:

special boner.

next time: nicolas cage's vampire
or literally any movie with james woods
or maybe I should watch james alone
oh james
I hold a special boner for you
Levew
please
stop

rajin cajun redneck gators part threux.

okay, do you want me to summarize this movie for you?
here I go
*banjo banjo banjo*
"Spiiiit"
"Gaturr"
"GUMBO"
Levno, renn
it's "banjo banjo banjo"
"redneck wants a hanjo"
"got eated by a gator"
"we will not see him laturr"

rajin cajun redneck gators part foureux.

eww
this romantic subplot is so unnecessary
OH NOES
Levbut
the romeo and juliet subplot
it brings the strife and drama of bayou livin to mesh with the strife and drama of being eaten by gators
I don't give a phuuuk

rajin cajun redneck gators part deux.

that lady
is my favorite character
Levseriously
Kabirhelena bonham carter's retarded siamese twin
hahahaahahaha gator swim away
like it ain't nothin but a thang
and she is still smoking
what the hell
I love you

progressive.

Levwoah
black policeman
progressive
and that one woman has dyed hair
and wearing pants!
what is this, the 46th century?
Levit's cute
she thinks she's people

pick-up line.

what the hell is a crapshot?
that shouldn't be a word in a pickup line
Levshould there be any words in a pickup line?
it should just be hip gyrations

of the southern wild.

Levit's like that other bayou movie we watched
the princess and the frog?
Lev...
no
I watched that by myself :c
Levthe other other one
the one with the little girl
and the giant buffalo
it was a warthog
Levyeah
and I have no idea what you mean
Levwhat?
how did you know it was a warthog
shhhh lev
I'm trying to watch a movie

inspiration.

Levmaybe I could make this into an app
and sell it to people
I would like some credit
for helping you come up with the idea
Levh...how?
I was the inspiration
LevI...
I have something to tell you
it...it was kabir's girlfriend
that was the inspiration
I'm sorry
:/
oh come onnnn
let me have this
JUST LET ME HAVE THIS

I guess we'll have to do that other thing

LevI guess we'll have to do that other thing
where we talk
without the crutch of a movie
...
Levor something
I'll find something to watch
I promise
Lev:\
I'm watching dexter right now
let's talk about that
Lev...

"The Alright Wall of China"

Lev"The Alright Wall of China"
one of the seven landmarks of the world that evoke no strong feelings one way or the other

musical talent.

Lev"musical genius and sex symbol"
earl okin?
yes
Levno, I was talking about myself
msuical genius? what instrument do you play, the triangle?
Levthe...lady trumpet?
is there an equivalent of skin flutes for vaginas?
the triangle
is the closest thing
well
LevI...
in my case, at least
Lev:\
your vagina is weird
shut up
you sound just like my gynecologist

hurr.

WHERE IS MY HURRRR
LevYer hurr dun got cut
You look like what I imagine lesbian housewives from the 50s would look like
Like a background extra in maf men or something
Might be the wallpaper though
you haven't even seen me, brah
I look like audrey hepburn came back to life only to become more fabulous

not partying.

LevReeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeenn
hey heeey
LevI hate your face
what are you doing at this hour, man
Levjust got back home
partying?
LevI was having sex with someone
is that why you sound so happy even over skype
Leva certain someone called SCIENCE
oh jesus christ

villains.

Levall the ninjas look the same
I guess it's dark helmets against slightly darker helmets
Levwait, are those ninja robots?
those look like power rangers villains
Levno, they're not 30 meters tall
don't be silly renn

skype movie night (robo-geisha)

I
am
so
sorry
LevRenn
goddammit
we were supposed to have one nice movie night
just one
how was I supposed to anticipate butt-sword?
Levhow do the people in this movie feel about themselves, I wonder?
like the dinosaurs in the flinstones
'it's a living'

skype movie night (alien vs. ninja)

Levthat alien is a really good guy
so considerate
and those abs
keep your pants on, lev
it obviously does not go for the D
Levlook at all the holes
I could put my penis into

lock of hair.

and if that ginger guy fixes his hair one more time I am going to cut a bitch
Levthe dude is just like my roommate freshman year
with the same goddamn lock of ginger hair
that they love more than life
you lived with a ginger?
wow, dude
points to you
Levno
he had black hair
just one lock of hair that was dyed ginger
that he washed in my goddamn pasta bowl
HAHAHAH
Levhe cared for it like a tiny gay baby

japanese.

sometimes this gets so cheesy
I think I can't handle it
LevWhat about the time where she had sex with the aliens?
could you handle that?
meh, this is japan
so I think they were actually holding back a little
Levyeah
the self restraint in this movie is amazing
if there's one thing the japanese know how to do
it's subtelty

bad driving.

hey
I was great, I didn't crash or anything
I don't know what you're laughing at
LevRenn
you are a wonderful person
...you're a good person
...you do alright
but you have to admit
that you drive like someone with cerebral palsy having a fit
I take all your generous compliments
and I reject all your criticism
Levapparently you said the same thing to your driving instructor

french.

hahahah
I'm refreshing my facebook personal info
and under 'languages'
it says "Bulgarian, English, Russian, German, Français, Romanian, French and French"
HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT I SPEAK FRENCH
LevExcuse moi, je ne comprende pas
I totally speak it, dude
not only french
but also Français and french
LevBut can you speak fraaanch

fag.

we went to this swanky bar
and I hadn't eaten all day
so I guess I was model drunk
had cherry beer like a little gay bitch
Levoh god
that's the castrated testicles of alcohol
;/
LevI kid, I've drunk strawberry cider before
so I guess I am in no position to talk
HAHAHHAAHAH
WHAT ARE YOU, A FAAAAAG
YOU NEED SOME SWEETNESS IN YOUR BOOZE, YOU FAIRY?
why don't you just give up and order a cosmopolitan next time, you're not fooling anyone
Levhey
I won't let you use my choice in drinks to make me feel effeminate
I already have plenty of other things making me effeminate
much better things
like enjoying cuddling
or the presence of a dick
Levor quiche
I fucking love quiche
in fact, I'm going to go have some quiche for lunch
because I'm a lady
and I can
Levenjoy fagging it up at the faggatorium

skype movie night (birdemic) - part threux.

I imagine this is how a real date goes
like, for people on blind dates or something
Levthis...actually, yeah
pretty much
goddamn, this is like an interview
where nobody cares
....
um... talk?
to each other?
maybe?
Levnope
I don't know
what do I know about dates and normal human interaction
Levthis has got to be a self parody
but what are they parodying?
what is this bad?
"umm, so... ummm... IS THIS A FUCK DATE??"
LevNO! I AM NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL. BUT TOMORROW YES!

skype movie night (birdemic) - part foureux

I completely forgot what kind of movie this is
what was this about?
what are we doing?
who am I?
Levwhen does the birdcopalypse start?
it's like the most mundane rom-com ever
although I have yet to see a hint of comedy
besides this ridiculous dance
Levshe dances kinda like you
I was about to say
that she dances the way a hot person should never dance

skype movie night (birdemic) - part fifteu

the only intelligent person in this movie
is the guy charging a hundred bucks for a gallon of gas
he's making the best of the situation by changing his business model
good for you, sir
Levthat's the capitalistic spirit that brought you to america probably yesterday

skype movie night (birdemic).

Levjesus christ I'm so glad that movies don't do these shitty intro scenes anymore
when is this even from?
the 80s?
isn't this movie from like 2003?
dude
no
dude
Levno
c'mon
guess which year it's from
guess
Lev2007?
try again
Lev200..9?
2010 mothafucka
Levwhat?
I swear I am not making it up
it's from two years ago
when Inception came out
LevThe japanese have fucking toilets with better quality cameras

not racist.

once every three or four months I see a black guy in the subway
and he sits next to me
and I ask myself
"I wonder how I can show this guy how super not-racist I am"
Lev"Oh god, black people gathered on the sidewalk. How do I walk by non racistly?"
"Eye contact? Yes. Wait. No. Too much. TOO MUCH. ABORT"
more like
"I am not going to look at him to show him that, unlike everyone in this subway, I'm used to seeing black people. I lived in PHILADELPHIA."
"But oh no, that looks like I'm avoiding him. Like I don't want to look at his black face"
"Look at him in a disinterested manner"
"Oh no, he's going to think that I'm not interested because I don't see him as a sexual object"
"Look at him sexily"
Lev"What if he thinks this is my constipated face"
"Do NOT shit yourself"
"What if he thinks I have the jungle fever?"
"DO I have the jungle fever?"
"What is reality?"
"Stop it, black man!"
and then he gets out at his stop

I feel a strange sexual attraction to the villains in shitty

I feel a strange sexual attraction to the villains in shitty kids movies
Levwow
that is
the most fucked up thing
I have heard in a while
OH MY GOD, STEVE BUSCHEMI IS IN THIS?
MY GENITALS ARE SO CONFUSED
Levset labia to buschemi
I feel bad for actors sometimes
he had done Fargo and reservoir dogs before this
LevYouTube pulcino pio
and watch it
all the way through
no
LevDO IT YOU WHORE
I'm watching buschemi get licked by lizards right now
I have my own priorities
LevTHIS MORE IMPORTANT
NOW HE'S RIDING THE LIZARD
oh, Steve

reminder.

Levalso, I wanted to remind you
that your face looks like someone came at a squid with a cheese grater
why would someone do that
LevI don't know
I also do not know
why they would give birth to you
I'm a gift to the human race, dude
Levlike Polio
or load times on streaming videos

boobs.

you guys are drowning in my awesomeness
Levthat's not awesomeness
it's just oily discharge
from your fat rolls
those are boobs, lev
Levoh, honey... no.

tuesdays.

AsadThis is the most pussy thing uve ever done lev
LevI don't know, there was that one time I sodomized you
I think that's probably the most pussy thing anyone has done
;/
I don't want to hear about your saturday nights, guys
Levhey
no
saturdays are for going out with people I like
I sodomize Asad on tuesdays
because what the fuck ever happens on a tuesday?
Asad sodomy
that's what

jorts.

well, that's the main purpose of the exercises
you'd love them
LevI go to the bathroom too easily
I've had to throw away too many jorts this spring
ew.
why do you have jorts.
I said why do you have jorts.
what the actual hell.

so deep part deux.

how's your girlfriend
I couldn't find her on Facebook to stalk her
does she not have one?
LevI think she does
but I'm not friends with her on it
you guys are so fucking deep

devil's threesome

Levthe chances of being asked to participate in a devil's threesome are too goddamn high
I read this story about this guy
who was in a threesome with his man-friend
and while the girl was blowing the two of them, they'd try to make each other laugh
so
what I'm saying is
Levno.

schedule.

LevTell Stefan to shut up
and that when I'm done with exams we're doing some BA
and then tell him to shut up again
wow
he has a lot of shutting up to do
Levbetter pencil it into his schedule
10.00 shut up
11.00 shut up
12.00 lunch
13.00-17.00 shut up
18.00 fuck yourself
19.00 pass out with dick in hand
23.00 shower of shame

own joke.

Levfuck the world, I'm gonna make my own one
where instead of handshakes there's fellatio
and...
no, I'm done
that's pretty much it
I'm game
I can come, right?
Levhehe
cause...fellatio
and
yeah
and I do mean that both ways
you ruined my joke
Levhey now, you're an independent, empowered woman
you ruined your own joke

nibbling cats.

it's okay, I'll die wise and dignified, surrounded by friends and family
Levhah
wise and dignified
"surrounded by family"
that's an odd euphamism for "mourned by my cats"
and "mourned by" is a euphemism for "face eaten by"
nibbled, more like
my cats will be nibblers
Levthe saddest part
is that you have planned out what kind of mastication style your future cats have
it was a slow weekend

Italian.

Levitalian internet is kinda slow
like most italian things
LevI didn't know you had italian ancestry!

I looked it up in the dictionary

I looked it up in the dictionary
sex is when a penis goes into a vagina
everything else is a-okay
Kabirsweeet
Levoh, good news then, Kabir
I didn't actually fuck your mother after all
hahahahahah
stupid autocorrect
I only write three ha-s
and it corrects it to more
it totally exaggerates how funny I find something
just for the record, lev
that was an okay joke
Kabirwhatever renn
you laugh uproariously
at everything we say
I smile occasionaly
and reluctantly

geologists.

I need your help with a pun
so, when I was making my travel video
we were filming in the village
and it's a small village, so people started talking
and in literally a few hours there was a rumor that Stefan and I were geologists that were filming for some reason
so I want a nickname that has geologists in it
LevYou should hit on someone
and say "Dayum, you lookin' stalag-tight"

date.

also, we should go speed dating
...seriously, I need to go on a date
my last date went horribly
we went to this pretentious play
I don't think I'm gonna call him again
LevI bet you fucked him anyways
... my bed was just so cold and empty
LevThe guy from the previous night hadn't even packed his shit up yet!
not my fault, man
I don't wait on them, I just mate on them
Levyou need jesus

grower.

but then what will you wear to all your other laser tag parties?
Lev~nothing
yes
good distraction
you will startle your opponents with your nakedness
and laughable penis size
LevI'm a grower :c
I guess the answer is to run around with an erecion

gay.

LevI'm confused
who is gay? (not me)
I'm confused
Lev is gay?
KabirLev is gayest
the gay-master
KabirHe's not just gay
gayest
gay maestro
gaestro
lev
lev
I know what you are
LevI am a leader of men
KabirYes
you lead men
into your bum

bail money.

Levbut seriously
I might need bail money
can I just paypal it to them?
Levuhm
...
yeah, why not?
just send it to this account:
totallyscotlandyard@levsinbox.com

tearing up.

Levare you... tearing up?
yeah, that was the nicest thing you've said to me
Levugh, you're such a little gay bitch

silence.

LevI can't listen to silence Renn
you know that
silence is the only way to communicate with you
at least that's what your girlfriend told me
AYOOOOOO
high-fiving a million angels

fitting.

Levroboman represents who I am on the inside
Asada cardboard robot?
Levyes
how fitting
AsadHAHHAHA OH RENN
fitting
cause things fit in boxes
that was brilliant! :D
LevI...oh jesus
figured you'd appreciate it
Levit's like you hit rock bottom
but then
you didn't stop
you just kept going

snowflake.

Levexcept I'm flying out from DC
god knows why
Kabirwhat in the hell
what sense does that make
LevI'm a snowflake
and so are my flight routes
KabirGay?

plane crash.

Levalright
time to fly
perce bitches
have a good trip
wait
I forgot to tell you a hilarious airplane crash story
damnit
KabirThat is horrible, Renn
I hope you die in a plane crash
that's statistically improbable
Kabirbut
no
my metajoke
noo
MUHAHAHA
Kabir:c

mouth.

middle-aged?
pshhhyea
LevI was just trying to be nice
the only middle I'm in is the middle of my youth
LevI kept reading mouth
instead of youth
trying to figure out if you were making a blowjob joke
that'd be one fucking weird blowjob joke

boozecore.

LevI also got that song from an alcohol commercial
like the Elkcloner one
I should just start watching booze ads for song discovery
there should be a whole genre of music like that
it's going to be called
boozecore
LevI'm pretty sure that's a genre where drunk people stutter into microphones
and then get belligerent

soccer mom.

Is that what's in store for me?
Levin store for you?
you were already there
6 years ago
I was a soccer mom before I even knew what that was
Levmaybe that means you'll get funner as you age
since you started off at the pinnacle of sadness

rebellion.

Levit's just something you would have done, though
it completely fits into my image of your younger self
What image is that
Levwell, you were stuck in a place that you saw as largely bland and the same. You wanted to lash out in some kind of individualistic rebellion, and you did it in the most amazingly embarassing way.

sexing.

Levmaybe she just wants me for my bod
and doesn't really give a shit so long as I'm sexing her good
Don't flatter yourself
Levsexing her at a mediocre level

t-shirt.

please wear the t-shirt I bought for you tomorrow
I have this feeling you don't like it
and it's making me so sad
have you worn it?
be honest
Levyes
in fact I can't wear it tomorrow because it's dirty because I wore it two days ago
at what occasion did you wear it?
to the gym?
yeah, okay, THANKS
Lev...
you pick the weirdest neuroses

perplexo.

Levyou're not an octopus
you can't just spray confusion in my face and run away
really, cause it's been doing wonders for me when I'm talking to you
Lev...I'm confused
ha-haa!
awkward situation evaded
once again
to the perplex-mobile!
Levyou are the worst superhero
:/
I'm perplexo
that sounds like a brand of tampons
LevWhen you don't know whether you're on your period or not, perplexo!

hats.

Levhow about this for the "what would your friends say about you"
"She owns far too many hats"
it's not too lolrandom
it's not narcissistic
it's not true
Levrenn
you had so many hats that I somehow started gaining hats

yiffing.

:/
you're missing out on some serious yiffing, man
Kabirwhat is yiffing
...
nothing
it means nothing
is what it means
Kabir: /
WHAT THE FUCK
sorry

rontypool.

okay, and when you're done with the pontypool story
send it over
...
hope you don't name it pontypool though
KabirIt's a different story!
It'll be called
Rontydool

pugs.

what is up with you and ugly puppies today?
stop sending me pictures of ugly animals
Levtwo pictures of ugly puppies
that's two more than I ever needed
Levc'maaan
the pugvengers one made your day better
and you know it
I hate pugs
Levoh yeah
they are dumb as shit looking
but that's what makes them so hilarious
I'm going to help a friend with some homework
you just sit here and think about the fact that I possibly compared you to a pug
enjoy
:/
I hate pugs.

lynch.

this movie...
jesus christ
I can only imagine what it's like working for Lynch
he calls you on the phone at 4 am
"Okay, for tomorrow, I need a one-legged woman, a monkey, and a lumberjack"
Lev"We told you to stop using the movie budget to fulfill your sexual fantasies, Mr. Lynch"

bad joke.

oh my god
I'm reading a book with jokes that jay leno used to make as a child
and every single one is just decreasing my sense of humor
they are that bad
there was one
and I swear I'm serious
that was funnier when I didn't get it
try to wrap your head around that

(w)hole.

Levthere we go
at least you remember ~some English words
shut up, I'm talking
shut your word-whole
Levword-hole*
word-making hole
asswhole
LevRenn
go to bed with what dignity you have left
I have dignity
I have a hole lotta dignity

sodomizing kit

Levoh damn
I thought you were doing the rhyming thing on purpose
I.. was?
Levwere... you?
no :(
I am not smarty smart
smarty pants
I don't have them pants
Levwon't that get you arrested in Turkey?
I'm in my room, foo
I can sodomize my teapot if I want to
LevI.. w.. please don't
Also h.. How?
with my sodomizing kit
never leave home without it ;)
Levoh god
that's awful
not the sodomy thing
the winky face

google searches.

I think my google searches say it all
'henna tattoo designs'
'how to make a henna tattoo'
'how to wash off henna from skin'

ego-boost.

Levat least
ego-boost
right?
big one
people come up to me and say
wow, you are so intelligent
they don't know I almost electrocuted myself the previous night

saddest thing.

Levso now I will have to get drunk and play amnesia all on my lonesome
;c
that's the saddest thing I've heard all week
Levgoddammit
you and Alba just both said that to me
for two completely different things

ngh.

quit your class-attending
or IT-supporting
and attend this conversation
and support this...
support...
ngh
:/

worst.

Levyou son of a bitch
:D
Levremember how I said you were the worst?
you are the worster
the worstest
the worstliest
Levyou're so much the worst that you should change your home town to worscestershire

reverse cow.

I was just too much for him
sexually
Levyeah, you damn near crushed the life out of him every time you got on top
;/
our favorite position
was reverse cow
LevI thought it was called reverse cowgir- oooooooooooooh

movie review.

by train
which is the best way to get anywhere
Levexcept for when they derail
or burn down
or explode
like in source code
man, that was one swanky train though
Levis that movie worth watching?
only if you're stuck 10,000 feet in the sky
I watched it on my way to america
it's barely memorable
it was on a train
that guy from donnie darko was there
and a bomb also
so... yeah
MOVIE REVIEWS, GET THEM ON WWW.RENNREVIEWSMOVIESINFIVELINES.COM
LevI hoped that was an actual website : (
excuse me while I go and make it real
I'm onto something here
Levyes, you can entertain literally several people
maybe even severals

hip.

LevI miss the 90s
KabirWhen you used to be a dance-superstar
you shouldn't dance in your 60s, lev
you'll break your hip or something
LevI already got them both replaced
I'm ready for anyhting
except a spelling bee

inner dialogue.

I feel so fat and ugly
why did I do it
Levbecause the cake sat there
beckoning you
your mind thought "no, my cankles shan't surpass the size of my face"
but your stomach disagreed
"no" it said
"get in mah belly" it said
"all of god's creation shall be mine" it said

jaws of life.

LevRenn
Renn, you are not Persephone
I never said I was
LevPersephone could go to the toilet without needing the Jaws of Life
I just googled 'jaws of life'
and I do not like what you're implying there

bacon.

bacon, please
Levcool
it'll just be...delayed
what.
I already got a plate ready
what do you mean it'll be delayed
WHERE IS MY BACON
Levlisten
it takes a considerable mobilization of people and equipment
to raise and produce the amount of bacon that would be an actual noticeable quantity for you
I want to do this right
so
you will have to wait
until we can at least double the amount of pigs in the world
WELL THEN BREED ME SOME PIGS TO SACRIFICE!
LevI'M TRYING PLEASE DON'T KILL MY CROPS I NEED THEM TO FEED MY FAMILY
ARGHHHHHH BY THE POWERS OF THE SEA I WILL HAVE BACOOOOOOOOON
Levoh goddammit
your tsunami drowned all the pigs
you are the shittiest goddess

new page.

LevI ate a whole bag of cheesy balls
ew.
LevI am awful
awful and fat
Levy...es
don't you think it's time to turn a new page
one where you don't slowly kill your body?
LevI tried
but my fingers are too fat
I don't have the dexterity to manipulate just one page

sour patch.

besides, I had a salad or something
Levhow could you, a salad? you'll get so fat
I know, right?
I'll have some sour patch kids to balance things out
Levscience is amazing
feeding children slimfast and then eating them was a brilliant idea
and they also have the power to make me hate myself
Levsuch a great product

hilarirocks.

LevI just like making lewd jokes, okay?
But I do that to literally everyone
Including men
like
like a sexual joke?
LevYes...
the things you do to get a laugh
LevIt's like crack
I snort hilarirocks
would love to get my hands on some
LevThey are hard to get in bulgaria
The market is satuated with depprextasy

lurve.

I've got 33 new notifications
he liked every single one of my profile pictures
even the ones I'm not in
Asad:O
omg
somebody lurrvess you!
somebody wants to have my head in his freezer

kazaa.

LevI know, Renn
I ~know
do you?
Levyes
that was easy
oh, I guess you do
Levyup
you would make a shitty journalist
"9 billion people have died from music piracy"
"is that true?"
"yes"
Breaking News: Billions dead from Kazaa
on page 2: "What is Kazaa?"
Lev"a 90's kid speaks out"

pillow.

Kabirno
shh
yes
Kabirno, this pillow is just to make your face comfortable
feel how fluffy it is
ghhgygfghhhhh
Kabiragainst all of your breathing-holes
shhh
shhhhhh
hchxjnjnjj
Kabirso fluffy
the fluffliest
ggghheett oojff mmeewee kkasdbibfirrrr
KabirShhHHhhHHhHHhHHhhh

nary.

LevMy whole social circle will crumble to dust
and I will be left with nary a friend to console me
do you see what you've done?
DO YOU SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?
no
I'm still trying to figure out if 'nary' is a real word

emoticon torture.

it's like you don't want me to talk to you
KabirDon't be like that
C'mon
don't wink at me
KabirYou know I'm a cool dude ; )
Oh
You should have given me that warning earlier
I don't like how I was so starkly predictable there
I will revise my wink tactics
and make them winktastic
oh god
so much pain
Kabirall I have to do is move an s
you're causing me
arghhh
...argg
KabirI'm so sorry
no
KabirRun
Leave
no
Kabirbefore it takes you too
Before...
don't use another
KabirAurgh
AUrGH
oh god, here it comes
KabirSave yourself!
( ;

sad.

Any day when I make you feel terrible is a good day for me
Lev: |
: (
Kabir: C
: O
That's when you are so sad that our mouth actually turns into a circle
LevOr as Kabir likes to call it
"Meet me at the back"

prague news.

In other Prague news, I followed a man and his 50-pound luggage from the airport to the centre of the city just to see him get off the bus and walk straight into a KFC
KabirHAHAHAHAHA
Levwhy were you following him specifically?
Coincidence
We were both going to center city
Except I was headed towards something less sad
LevI don't believe you, Renn
KabirThe only coincidence was that you were looking for a fat man to follow,
and he happened to be a fat man
LevShe never said he was fat
KabirDude
His prime objective upon reachin a city was to find and penetrate a KFC with his gluttonous flab
He was fat
LevDude
we've done that
we went on a 2 hour epic quest
to find a KFC
Oh... Why.
Why are You guys so sad
KabirIt was my idea
I make the mundane into the fantastic
KFC run?
No.
It is a bard's tale
...A lard's tale

moisturizer.

it's okay
you can use my moisturizer if you need to express an emergency emotion
oh wait, I forgot you have like a gallon of your own
KabirI do
Moisturizer is a great, great invention
I still don't know what you're using it for
no
I mean I am politely pretending not to know
KabirTo moisturize
I legitimately use it!
Like
sure you do
Kabirfor my hands and body
(especially the entire penis area
.
.
.
.
what with all the masturbating)

ita things.

LevAnyways, I have to go do ITA things, so if you come up with a retort send it on What's App
oooooh, look at you and your important ITA things
"ring me on my whatsapp, I have a com-pu-ter to support"
Levnot for a computer, a fancy ITA dinner
oh, it's a dinner
so fancy
what are you going to eat
chips?
they'll be comically small
so you'll call them microchips
oh wow, guys, aren't you hilarious

hipster nerds.

Levno
You're a nerd
and I'm a nerd
and we're both hipsters
just look at the percentage of indie songs on our playlist
Bitch, please
You can only dream of being as pretentious as I am
LevPlease
I am so far up my own ass it's like I'm wearing myself as a skin

high-brow.

Kabiryes
and also not-yes
it's a double meaning
It's a schrodinger's comment
ooh, look at you and your high-brow jokes
should I mention Kafka in one of my penis commens now?
KabirMaybe you didn't laugh because you weren't reading through a monocle
The monocle is essential
And also, yes you should
let me get it
...
HAHAHAHAHAHAH
I haven't been so delighted by an anecdote since I played cricket with my fellow gentlemen from the country club
KabirOne morning, when Mohammad Kabir woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into an enormous penis

front page

KabirShit, Lev got on the front page of reddit!
AsadHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA
LEV
you are so fucking weird!
And it's about shitting
Why am I not surprised

dip.

I pity the next person you sleep with
or next thing
that vacuum cleaner
Lev: /
or a bag of meat
knowing you, it would probably just be a can of lobster dip
LevI guess the swelling ~would make it look more impressive
should be your pre-coitus ritual
you'll call it your penis dip
and all the whores will come to you
all the fat whores

terrible cake.

I found the best recipe for cake ever
no milk, no eggs, no flour
and it's not disgusting
Levis it just a bowl of water?
almost
it's just oat bran and walnuts with oil and a spoonful of milk
and you eat it with a spoon
and while you do that to yourself
you're saying
'mmmmm, cake'
... that makes it a cake, right?
Levno
:/
Levthat makes it the hitler of baked goods
I'm going to make it for you EVERY DAY
until all your tastebuds die
LevI will shank your face

nice.

what are you talking about, I'm always nice to everyone
even you, fatass
Levyou're only nice when you're paid to be
whore
don't make me wink at you
I'll do it

career plans.

I could be an awesome truck driver
dispatcher... I don't know
I tend to not make sense when I talk
Leva quality often sought after in dispatchers
I should be reaching for the stars with my career
not just strive to be a truck dispatcher
I can be whatever kind of dispatcher I want to be
Leva penis dispatcher is your calling

robot sex.

KabirWall-E couldve been the girl
Who knows
They're robots
They dont have sex : /
they kind of looked asexual
which makes sense
but I think it was a he
he was dirty
and a lady would never let herself go that way

emoticon philosophy.

Levhe's going to be very sad, then
because no one will give a shit
here here
Lev; )
that's a tear of happiness
not a winky face
oh thank GOD
Levcause winky faces are for awful people
I was already deleting you from my contacts list
LevI wouldn't have it any other way
I'm glad we're on the same page about this
LevI don't think we could be friends if we weren't
it's just one of those things
like your views on murder, or racism, or genocide
defines who you ~are

trapped.

:/
you're killing my buzz, man
LevYOU CAN'T TOUCH ME RENN
if me and MC Hammer joined hands in a circle around you
you would be trapped
forever

exotic.

guys
I just realized
that all the men in my life in bulgaria
have the same names as vampires on american TV shows
my life is so sexy and exotic

to renn, v. [ren]

I will not be known as the ruiner of things
KabirIt...
it happened
You renn'd it
noooooooooooo
LevNo, Renn britta'd it
to renn something is to engage in sexual congress, for money, with several (more than two) clowns
KabirI didnt know your hobby had a name, lev
Levit ain't my hobby
it my job
I make money off dem hoes
"What do your prostitutes do?"
"Oh, anything from a handjob to renn'ing"

slightly.

Levwe are bad people
the worst kind of people
well, not bad people
just ever so slightly retarded
Levslightly?
well, we didn't go full retard, I think
that's like
wet ant territory

salmon.

LevSo apparently
On the penn crest
That's a dolphin
I always thought it was a salmon
hahahhah
why
what exactly does a salmon represent
like... your school is rich in omega-3 fatty acids?
Levthat would be a fucking awesome slogan
University of Pennsylvania: Rich in Omega-3 Fatty Acids
come at us
we swim upstream yo

renn, what are we doing.

I'm not even acknowledge that with a response
LevYou not even?
You even
You best even
don't make me even
LevOh I do even make
it's making you even
LevI'm glad we even
we didn't even
you even
LevI all even
you can't even

lonesome.

Levyes, I mean, I understand that you felt as though she did not like you
but I assume even women have underlying reasons for their feelings
like, I don't know, you pissed in her cheerios or something
oh, you mean why I think she wouldn't like me?
I don't know
I'm just such an awesome, wholesome, handsome person
LevI would have gone for 'lonesome'

lion.

kabir does really hate lions
wasn't your life dream to punch one in its fat face?
KabirYes
Then I want it to get really angry and try and attack
So I can punch it again
It'll be all like
"Rowr, that hurt"
and I'll say
"Fuck you lion. Take it like a lion."

creep.

wait, when kabir was in lev's bathroom, were you there?
Asadno, but I wished I was
Kabir...
Asadwell, not in the bathroom
but somewhere
nearby
Levthat's the creepiest thing you've ever said
Kabir"yeah, I heard you guys had fun and I wish I could be there, looking through the window"

panties.

and buy some panties
Levwait, what?
to later throw at him
LevI'll try to get Emily to throw hers
but I want him to have a pair from me
buy a pair and write my name and my number on them
LevWhy would I do that?
I'd just write ~my name and number
because I shall seduce him from a distance
why would he have you
he's been with an amrenian
LevRenn, it would take you six months to seduce your way out of a paper bag

friends.

Levis she Bulgarian?
no
australian
Levthat makes sense
she's smiling
and ostensibly has friends
what are you trying to say there, lev
I HAVE FRIENDS
I HAVE DOZENS OF FRIENDS
BAKER'S DOZENS!
... they come in thirteens
Kabirdonuts arent friends
;(
Kabirthey are donuts

electricity.

LevI am rubbish at electrical engineering and I need to learn how to deal with circuits and whatnot
and you think british guys are going to teach you how to do that?
Levwhy not?
they're electric in their wit
if you can feel that
then it's not circuiting too well
I...
I don't know enough about electricity to make a better joke than that

train wreck part threux.

Levoh shit
well, you took one sentiment from her, Kabir
and I will take that pun
KabirIt took a renn to help you come up with that pun?
Come on now
:(

train wreck part deux.

KabirThen a man dressed as a train bursts from the curtains
CHOO CHOO MOTHERFUCKERS
punches each child in the face
and runs off
LevOprah is the conductor
KabirLarry King is the train
LevThat guy with cerebral palsy that was supposed to get a show from Oprah is the man dressed as a train
mind you, I'm not saying instead of Larry King
Larry King is the actual train
should I be stopping ~this?
Kabirjoin us renn
jooooin
uuuuus
Levjooooin
uuuuus
I really lost the train of thought
... get it?

train wreck.

Levsomeone should have stopped me 15 lines ago
that never works
you just never listen
when we beg
Levyeah
I ~like the begging though
KabirPersonally, I like to watch a train wreck
Levoh ho ho

salad.

did I ever show you that video of that guy making a salad?
KabirHoly shit
LevIs he smiling at it?
Because you can't not smile at salad
KabirThat's such an awesome sentiment. Usin' it
Levwhat sentiment
the ant in the water?
Kabirnevermind
You will see
Lev"Did I ever show you that video of a guy making a salad?"
KabirYOU WILL SEE

booty.

Levyou ain't got no booty
wait, is that a compliment to a white girl?
you ain't got no booty/Yeah, it's cause you got a booty to do it
pick whichever one is more hurtful
ummm I honestly don't know anymore
like I know you're supposed to have one
like there's at least something going on in the rear
but not like an out of control situation
Lev"you ain't got no appropriately sized booty dat be considered attractive by socionormative standards, yo"
I hope that covers all the bases

drivers.

I'm really scared of driving long distances
I shouldn't be, since I'm so awesome at it
but I guess I'm just too damn cautious
Levyes
because we all know the best drivers are overly defensive
you have no right to judge me, pedestrian
Levhey
I am in the process of working towards getting the motivation to get a driver's permit

knock.

knock knock joke with walter white from Breaking Bad:
knock kno...
I AM THE ONE WHO KNOCKS

finding memo.

we should video chat on g+
and watch finding memo on youtube
nemo*
LevI like finding memo
a heartwarming tale of a man who seeks only to discover when casual day at work is

multitasking.

I'm going to need you to fabricate a chat log
for an alibi
Levof course, because chatting on your phone means you were not at the crime scene
I just imagined hacking up a bitch with one hand and trying to text you with the other
so rude of me
the last thing this woman is going to see is another bitch that isn't even fucking paying attention
Levyou were never one for social conventions

steam troubles.

you still haven't played braid, have you?
Levno
I downloaded it today
turns out I had bought it at some point in the past
fucking Steam
you get blackout drunk once during a christmas sale
and spend the next 6 months finding games you bought
it's like you made little presents for yourself in the future
awww, that's nice of past you

waterbed.

a waterbed?
do you think I live in 1987?
LevI think you live in Bulgaria
which is stuck in '87
hey man, fuck you
we're building a second subway line
so suck on both my dicks
Levone per subway line?

vicious gamer.

Levwe also have to play a video game
any video game
that's fine with me
rollecoaster tycoon?
or any tycoon will do, really
there's a pizza one
mmm
Levthat's
you're awful
there's a prison one, too
but I think that's more a simulation program
or we can always play fruit ninja
but I'll warn you
I can get pretty vicious

pity points.

Levit is impressive how my boner is so large and virile that I can debauch Asad across the Atlantic
KabirIt isnt
You just fly out every night to feel, for a moment
That someone wants to touch your boner
like a boner santa
KabirThe airlines usually let you just stowaway in cargo, claiming that you've paid in full in 'pity points',
as they've come to call them

hashtags.

good night levv#
i gotta start using hashtags
#idontgettheappealofthis
Levplease do not
or you will just be a dick
#zzzzzzz
LevWe can't be friends anymore

edit.

LevI just assumed you were going back into the convo archives
whilst softly weeping and eating a cinnabun
did you just purposefully edit your text
so it could say whilst instead of while
Kabirmeanwhile, a montage of Lev's conversations.
"We can do it togayther"
"Whatabup?"
"why are your so perverderder"
"Uh, ah, uhm, erm"
*warble*

premium (part deux).

Levso how's that spotify premium working out for you?
it's great
at least it would have been if I had it
Levprecisely
suckah
I hate you
with such a passion
LevWhat's that? I can't hear you over the deafening sound of no ads playing while I listen to my spotify playlist on a mobile device.

'murrica.

KabirHEY YOU
THIS IS AMERICA
HOME OF THE BRAVE
'murrica
LevLAND OF THE HOME AND BRAVE OF THE FREE
GIT THE FUCK OUTTA HER FURR'NER

clown obssession.

agh, I'm so stupid
all this time I've been thinking that you have a fat obssession
when it's actually been a clown fetish
Levhey, clown whore, pot, kettle, black
I'm not a clown whore in the sense that I whore myself out to clowns
it's that I whore myself out to everybody else
and they become clown afterwards
because some of my makeup transfers onto them
Levit's why we make such a great team
you make 'em, I rake 'em

financial aid.

LevI just got my finanical aid paper
and it says "Expected contribution from parents: big number"
"Expected contribution from student: 10"
10 dollars
I feel a bit insulted
or patronized
it is quite condescending of them
LevI wonder what the 10 dollars is for?
Yeah, his parents can cover everything else, but this motherfucker is going to pay for his doorknob

remember.

Kabirgood night
remember, lev is fat
I never do
Kabirso fat in the face
it's why nobody loves him
just the face, though
but it's enough

stroke.

it's time to stop giving it out so easily
Levor is it time to stop not giving it out too easily enough
are you.. having a stroke?
Levalways

several dumpsters.

LevYou mean I can't buy a hotel with a nickel?
you... don't wanna do that
unless you want to end up in several dumpsters

selling tricks.

Levdamn, I want to jetpack to work
how would that even work without torching your ass
Levheat resistant leather chaps?
sure, that can work
and it's cost-effective
it would only cost your dignity
Levand you know I sold that away long ago
so I'm pretty much getting it for free
unlike my clients
ba dum tsss
bitch, I ~know you haven't been selling tricks while I'm gone

premium.

ugh, there goes spotify asking me to get premium again
I wanted to pay the money, they don't accept my stupid bulgarian card
and every time I hear one of those adds
for the premium
it just sounds like they're judging me
"so, you've been enjoying spotify for free"
"don't you wanna upgrade to premium?"
get off my back, spotify, I'm trying!

pregnant.

can't you get some kids of your own?
oh, wait, you can't
you need to have sex for that
Levthat does not work so well when I have had sex
and the person I had sex with is.pregnant

i know things.

Levback to philly
i was just in virginia
how was virginia
I KNEW THAT
you think I don't know things
I know them
I know them all

forum.

I've only ever been a member of one forum in my life
the CSI discussion forum
LevOh
My
God
yup
for 2 years I think
with what I assume were soccer moms
LevThat is...
I ju....
Toomgood, just too good

adjust resolution.

Levcaught a fish this big |----------------------------------------|
adjust your resolution until that is an impressive size
whoa, that's like... the size of a pencil sharpener
you should ration it for the next four weeks
LevI said adjust your resolution woman!

unpullable.

KabirWomen can be bros, fool
your face is a fool
Kabiryour mom is a fool
for having birthed your face
which is itself also a fool
because foolishness is hereditary
... wow.
that's... way out of line, kabir
don't offend my mother like that
KabirNo it's not.
My leg is unpullable, Renn
goddamnit

schnitzel.

Actually german sounds like a very friendly language
ISS DEIN SCHNITZEL, SONST KRIEGST DU KEINEN NACHTISCH
Levyou will do no such thing to my schnitzel

reality show.

by the way, did you see that mars one project?
sounds so interesting
they're making it like a big brother type thing
but IN SPACE
that's my kind of reality show
also, cupcake wars

pmsing.

what's wrong with me, I'm such a crybaby tonight
I'm probably PMSing or something, this is bullshit

playlist awesomeness.

LevRenn, your roadtrip playlist better be awesome
because mine is bitchin'
and we can't mix them if they're not the same level of snazzy
how dare you even think of doubting me
my playlist will blow your mind
your playlist is nothing
it's just a figment of my playlist's imagination
LevPshh, my playlist is all that is and ever will be
it is concentrated freedom
during the revolutionary war, the founding fathers would shoot up using my playlist instead of heroin
my playlist is what made that guy eat that other guy's face
LevHitler's mother did my playlist while pregnant with Hitler
hahahah :D
damn. lev
that was almost as awesome as my playlist

phatass.

LevJust Fatass
Phatass
LevWe named him after your mother, kabir
don't listen to him, kabir
that's the fat talking

penis (part deux).

god, every morning you guys
every morning I wake up and look at your banter to see what I've missed
it's like 95% penis
I think you might have some unresolved issues or something
Kabirpenis
I mean, uh
I mean
penis
Shit

origin story.

Asadstop ruining this
Pun Times is a spoiler free zone.
LevWhat, Asad's gonna watch Breaking Bad?
should be called Phun Times

not vampyre (part deux).

KabirMotherfuckers keep asking when I'll be done with all this blood I have
It's not even funny anymore
it's still polite of them to ask
for permission
Kabirfuck that, one tried to go for it while I was asleep
FUCK YOU VAMPIRE I DONT EVEN LIKE YOU

martian magellan.

Kabirthey'll call me the martian magellan
It sucks though since all the jobs will be like
farmer
Man Internet is going to be so laggy out there
yes
and farming will be your only joy
so farm away, martian magellan

improbable things.

I even made an OKCupid profile to make the transition to single life easier
KabirThat's weird, I also did something highly improbable earlier
I was leaving the taco bell but instead of taking a cab home I farted wings and swam to the moon on a hedgehog
LevConsidering the hell that Taco Bell makes your lower intestine, that's not ~that improbable
especially not when you consider how many things go in and out of your anus

home is awesome.

AsadRennnnnnnn
Are you back homeeeeee?
yess
and it's oh so awesome
I had cheesecake for dinner and haven't gotten up from bed since I came here

hilarious.

I was in a TV studio cause it's a part of my curriculum, apparently
Levwere you not in the car during the crash?
oh god, they're not putting you on TV are they? Did they not see the ring?
nope, we were waiting for the guy to bring the car around
and you're hilarious

harmonica.

Levso tell Stefan to practice his harmonica
because I'm going to need him to blow for me
He's going to have to get really good at blowing
for when I come
jesus, lev
contain your boner

happy again.

KabirAnd Renn--I assume you've already gotten someone to sign you into spotify?
yes, lev did it and I'm happy again
Leva phrase uttered by many a woman
Asadin your dreams
KabirYep, every time you leave

fuck you, Renn.

Levgood thing I never met them, then
or that'd be pretty sad news
Asadfor them
over such a disappointing failure that you are
KabirYeah
and also how fat
you guyss
can't we just get along?
Levfuck you, Renn

flogged.

And he shall be flogged for this treachery
Asadcan i get in on that flogging? ;)
Ew. No.
Asadi dont know what flogging means exactly
let me google it
OH MY GOD

first name basis.

I don't know, but david seems to like it
Kabirfirst name basis, huh, renn?
seemed appropriate
since I rock his world every night
Kabir: /
His name is Jason

fb stalking.

Levalso, damn, Vlad is a player
pictures of him intertwined with some saucy ladies keep popping up on my news feed
are you... facebook stalking my brother?
you have an unhealthy obssession, lev
stop it
stop it right now
LevHE'S JUST SO BEAUTIFUL IN THE SOUL

fake.

AsadIs that why you look so fake all the time?
if by fake you mean fabulous
then yes
Asadnope
just fake
;(
why must we always do this, asad

excuses.

Levthese poor people flee from real life to seek love in the virtual world
and you want to trap them and break their hearts there, too?
it's raining outside
what was I supposed to do??

euroSPN.

what's a famous european channel
for sports
LevEuroSPN

earthquake.

AsadReeinnnnnnnnn
There was an earthquake up in Bulgaria?
yup, it was in Sofia though, and I'm on the other end of the country
what's happening to europe, first italy, then western bulgaria...
OH MY GOD, IT'S COMING FOR ME

cleaning keyboard.

Kabir-ikl.yui7uuyi,.,.,m,njmnmnmnn c
'/.÷..÷.≥./?'[';/'['[;/refrreeeeeerffrrrreerrreeeeeeereftttryrgryryhgtrytytyyytytgrrtfrrerffffffffffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrfeedrweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiii8uoiippo000
Sorry
Cleaning keyboard
AsadUmm, i didn't need to know that
kabir, ewwww

broligarchs.

KabirHahahah
Guys
Guys I just had a dream
But this is what we should do
Guys
You listening?
Okay
So, we'll start a frat, right?
We'll start a fraternity, with a bunch of guys
Still paying attention?
Okay
So, once we start this frat
We'll call ourselves
Wait for it
We'll call ourselves:
"The Broligarchs"
jesus christ, kabir
KabirGUYS THE DREAM SAID
THE DREAM

broken up.

kabir
the ending of the second to last episode of breaking bad was so awesome
I literally couldn't concentrate on anything else for the rest of the day
cause everything seemed less intense by comparison
AsadYou could say you were broken up about it, badly!
JAJAJAJAJJAJAAJJAJAJAJA
I could say that, asad
but I won't

bg currency.

LevI don't kknow what the currency in bulgaria is
But i assume it is gypsy heads
I've told you this
it's levs :)
LevOh right
how can you possibly forget that